Letters to Raya

Some of my life's greatest joys are when I hear stories of what I was like when I was little. My Nanny is the greatest at theses stories. I love hearing about the things I have forgotten about, and the things I remember. I enjoy hearing her first memory of us when we first came into her life. About how I was so protective of my little sister, and always made sure she was served first, before me. These are the kind of memories that make me go, "Awww...really? I was so cute wasn't I?"

I have been thinking for the past few months some dreadfully morbid thought. I don't know why. Perhaps because in this past year, both my Grandparents have died, and my step-father, and maybe death is on the brain. Anyways, I've been thinking that I want Raya to have those same kind of stories about herself, so today I started a folder, in my red laptop, named "Letters to Raya". As often as I think about it, I will fill this folder up with little stories, describing to Raya what she was like when she was 2. When she gets older I will give her a flash drive full of these letters, that she can read, and know just how important she was and still is to be.

My dad likes to tell me stories about myself too, but my dad was a full fledged alcoholic when I was a baby, and although it's cute., he tells me the same stories over and over again. The time I beat the little white girl up. The time we went to radway for christmas and I helped him chop wood. The time he kidnapped me and took me to the rez, and his relatives did "Indian Medicine" on me, the time I ran away on my tricycle and I was found peddling my way to barrhead, on the highway. Even though I've heard these stories time and time again, I still love the sparkle my dad gets in his eye, when he tells me these stories. Its like he remembers them like they were yesterday. Praise the Lord my dad is sober now and we can make new memories.

This morning Raya taught me a good lesson in parenting. As I ran around my apartment like  chicken with my head cut off, she came up to be and demanded that I pick her up. Then, she snuggled into my chest and started slurping on her fingers and didn't move for 20 minutes. I'll admit that first few minutes I had my eye on the clock, but then it slowly started to dawn on me that she NEEDED to feel loved by me. So I sat, silently, and rocked her back and forth. She just laid there on my chest, so content. We did that close to half an hour, until she was ready to be put down. When she was ready, I called a cab and took her to daycare. It was worth it.

I wrote her a letter, thanking her for making me into a better person. She does this daily. She truly has been such a changing force in my life, and I hardly recognize myself, from who I used to be.

How can it be, that such an angry, hard, and insecure individual has changed into this shining, bright, motivated, successful human being? How is possible? Only through the grace of God Himself, can this happen. One of His greatest gifts to me has been our little Raya. He knew who she was before He sent her to me, and I am amazed at how such a tiny little person has changed who I thought I was. Amazing.

Life Direction

Something weird happened when I started going to school. Suddenly I started dreaming about possible future careers and actually started thinking that I could manage University. It's been a rewarding experience, but also so confusing. I have, many times, been stuck between doing things I feel like I SHOULD do, and between things I know I WANT to do.

Also, my reasons for doing certain courses have been...different. If I am allowing myself to be completly honest with myself, during this blog, my first admission will be that I am in the Management Program because *cringe* I wanna be the boss. I want to be the one in charge, one day. *cringe again* I want to be prepared to take charge of whereever I end up working, and want to be prepared for my upcoming promotions. Phew! Now that that's outta the way...

Management is very, very dry, but I do feel better prepared to take on managerial jobs should the position ever come up. Oh my gosh, I am just laughing in my head right now, as I think about myself sometime in the future, reading back on all my thoughts, and remembering how very sure I am that I will, in fact get promoted, whereever I go. Hmm..

As for my real passion in life, I just want to help people. I have had a very "interesting" life, and have had to depend on people in the Human Services feild, quite often, and have probably had more bad experiences with social workers, that good ones. When I think of a social worker, I think of those old, worn out ladies in the welfare office, who have a checklist in front of them, and sit there, with permanent frowns on their faces and go down the list. Why do you need help. Why can't you work. Where is your government issued picture I.D. Where is your signed rent report? They always make you feel like you shoudn't even be there, askihg for help. They secretly jidge and condemn you the moment you step into cubicle. I've never wanted to be one of them. I probably won't be one of them. Please God, don't make me one of them.

But as for helping people, I read the career description for Social Work, and knew that that's where I want to be. I want to be able to point people in the right direction when they are looking for help, and life changes. I want to be able to help them find food, and housing and other basic needs. I also want to help epople start realizing their true potential and open the doors to help people strt dreaming again.

I know whats it like to feel stuck. I know what it's like to feel like the whole world has given up on you. I know what it feels like to not have any control over your actions. I know what it feels like to be in an abusive relationship. I know what it's like to WANT to get help, but have no idea where to turn. I have so much life experience that I think social work is what I was meant to be.

As my confidence grows in my life direction, the pressure to perform slowly starts to fade away. I am doing this for ME. Not to impress others with a mighty title. I am doing this because I need to do something with my life, that matters. I need to get out there and share my experiences with people, so that they know that it is possible to change. It is possible to grow. It is possible to become one of those annoyingly happy, and successful people that you see on the news every now and then, sharing their incredible success story. It is possible.

I am still working on my success story. I do have quite alot in my story already. I have alot of people rooting for me, nd supporting me, and believeing in me, and I canb't tell you what a difference that makes in my life. A HIGE difference. I am excited to start doing some of those same things for others.

With God by my side, and faith that He will do the leading in my life, even the best scenerio I can think of won't even to compare to the life He has in store for me. Its a very exciting time to be me.

Baggy Pants?

My smallest pair of jeans are getting really baggy! So exciting! I have also started to make some healthier lifestyle changes, so I feel I am, in fact, coming closer and closer to reaching my goal! Fitness and eating right. Paying off? Yes. Yes, I think it is!