Ahhhhh crap. I'm broke. This really sucks.I usually feel that I'm really smart wirth the small amount of money that I get from the government. I just dont know what happened this month, but Iam already broke and the month isn't over yet. Iam so tired of living my life in poverty. I have started going to school and and am hoping to get my degree in buisness first of all, and then from there I dont know. I cant wait to feel what its like to go shopping and NOT have to look at price tags. One thing I've been learning is to write down goals so here's a short list to start. I can't wait to look back on this list and check things off. Ok, here it goes!
1. Get my drivers lisence.
2. Pay off my jay-walking ticket.
3. Write a book.
4. Join the Writers Guild.
5. Get down to a size 12.
6. Get honors in English.
7. Build up a savings account.
8. Finish my scrapbook.
9. Sing a solo in church.
10. Buy green contact lenses.
Ok, theres my list. I wrote a similar list when I moved into the Dream Centre and it was such a joy to see my list get smaller and smaller. Let me go find it and I'll share with you the actual listy I wrote over a year ago! Hold on.......
"Things I have prayed for"
a house
*Protection(physical) for the baby.*
*Physical healing for the baby.*
*Direction for a career*
*Help in my decision making*
*Assistance in naming the baby*
*A personal computer for writing*
*That my childrens sadness be taken away*
Mom Rindelle, Peter Cardinal, Jim Disterheft and Victor to know Jesus. To become saved.
That was my prayer list last year before Raya was born. I was so afraid that she would have medical problems or something.She really should have. But she didnt. All the list that has stars around it were answered. Amazing huh?
Well, cant wait to see this new list come true!
Make a list of your own!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
A Divine Appointment
As a christian believer, I believe in what we call, divine appointments. Basically what this is, is that we believe God has a reason for everything, and sometimes we are in a specific place at a specific time, for a very specific reason. I want to share with you what happened to me today.
As I have already shared with all of you, I have a dad who is a homeless man, here in edmonton. The scary thing about having a loved one who is homeless, is that you don't know when the next time your gonna see them will be.(If you even see them again). This is really hard on me because I know personally, just how dangerous living on the streets really is. There's alot of phyco's out there. Alot of crazy crack heads who don't care 'bout nuthin', and alot of skitzo's too.
Anyhoo, I havn't seen my dad for over a year now. A few weeks ago, my sister-in-law mentioned to me that she heard on the radio that a homeless man named Peter had died in a bus shelter downtown. My heart neraly jumped out of my throat, for I know that my dad often uses bus shelters to sleep in and warm up in. That day that I heard about that, I was very upset, and I went and locked myself in my room, and I started praying. Begging would be more like it. I started begging God that he would save my daddy from dying before he was ready to. Because as a believer in God, I also believe that you gotta be right with God before you die, or you will suffer in hell for an eternity. And hell is...well..scary. Its a place of extreme lonliness and pain, not just physically, like the cartoon depict it, but it's a place where God's presence does not exist. There is no protection there. There is no door out. And the thought of my daddy going there deeply distreesses me. So I was begging.
Well, today I had an essay due for english, so I didn't leave school until around 2:30. I usually leave at 1pm. Then as I walked up to my bus stop, the bus went right past me, so I decided to take a detour to city centre mall. Which is something I hardly EVER do. Then, while inthe mall, I decided to go to Winners and find myself a new hoodie or yoga pants, because Iam losing the baby weight now and my clothes are getting too big. I looked and looked and couldn't bring myself to buy anything in the end, and I was thinking to myself,"Geeze, what a waste of time." So I went to catch the bus.
Then I got off at Raya's daycare, and suddenly decided to go buy a couple Papa burgers for supper. Which is, again, something I never do. Then I went to go get Raya. And we started walking the 2 blocks home. And LO AND BEHOLD, there is my dad's ex-girlfriend. Standing there waiting for her grandson to get off the school bus. I couldn't believe it!! I went up to her and said hello and asked her if she'd seen my dad lately. And she told me YES!!!!! He had just called her the night before and had left his phone number with her and his address.
He was living in Gunn, Alberta, and was in a treatment program for his drinking!!! PRAISE THE LORD!! I was so happy, I almost started crying. She took me to her place where she gave me his address and phone number. Turns out she lives only a block away from me! And my dad visits her when he does come to the city.
I jus want to say, "Thank you God, that my daddy didn't die when he was on the street. Thank you for keeping him safe and thank you so much for making sure that I found out that he is doing better than just all right. I DO believe(becvause I choose to believe) that you love my dad just as much as I do and that you want better things for him than what he had going for himself here. Thank you for giving him a SAFE place to stay!"
As I have already shared with all of you, I have a dad who is a homeless man, here in edmonton. The scary thing about having a loved one who is homeless, is that you don't know when the next time your gonna see them will be.(If you even see them again). This is really hard on me because I know personally, just how dangerous living on the streets really is. There's alot of phyco's out there. Alot of crazy crack heads who don't care 'bout nuthin', and alot of skitzo's too.
Anyhoo, I havn't seen my dad for over a year now. A few weeks ago, my sister-in-law mentioned to me that she heard on the radio that a homeless man named Peter had died in a bus shelter downtown. My heart neraly jumped out of my throat, for I know that my dad often uses bus shelters to sleep in and warm up in. That day that I heard about that, I was very upset, and I went and locked myself in my room, and I started praying. Begging would be more like it. I started begging God that he would save my daddy from dying before he was ready to. Because as a believer in God, I also believe that you gotta be right with God before you die, or you will suffer in hell for an eternity. And hell is...well..scary. Its a place of extreme lonliness and pain, not just physically, like the cartoon depict it, but it's a place where God's presence does not exist. There is no protection there. There is no door out. And the thought of my daddy going there deeply distreesses me. So I was begging.
Well, today I had an essay due for english, so I didn't leave school until around 2:30. I usually leave at 1pm. Then as I walked up to my bus stop, the bus went right past me, so I decided to take a detour to city centre mall. Which is something I hardly EVER do. Then, while inthe mall, I decided to go to Winners and find myself a new hoodie or yoga pants, because Iam losing the baby weight now and my clothes are getting too big. I looked and looked and couldn't bring myself to buy anything in the end, and I was thinking to myself,"Geeze, what a waste of time." So I went to catch the bus.
Then I got off at Raya's daycare, and suddenly decided to go buy a couple Papa burgers for supper. Which is, again, something I never do. Then I went to go get Raya. And we started walking the 2 blocks home. And LO AND BEHOLD, there is my dad's ex-girlfriend. Standing there waiting for her grandson to get off the school bus. I couldn't believe it!! I went up to her and said hello and asked her if she'd seen my dad lately. And she told me YES!!!!! He had just called her the night before and had left his phone number with her and his address.
He was living in Gunn, Alberta, and was in a treatment program for his drinking!!! PRAISE THE LORD!! I was so happy, I almost started crying. She took me to her place where she gave me his address and phone number. Turns out she lives only a block away from me! And my dad visits her when he does come to the city.
I jus want to say, "Thank you God, that my daddy didn't die when he was on the street. Thank you for keeping him safe and thank you so much for making sure that I found out that he is doing better than just all right. I DO believe(becvause I choose to believe) that you love my dad just as much as I do and that you want better things for him than what he had going for himself here. Thank you for giving him a SAFE place to stay!"
Monday, February 7, 2011
My First Memory
I never grew up with my biological mom and dad. I was only with them for the first 3 years of my life. But during those 3 years, I grew to love them. Even though they drank and fought with each other, I still grew to love them. I still do. I always have. No matter what stories I heard about them growing up, I always loved them. The stories I heard were always bad and I have no doubt that they were all true, but they are my mommy and daddy. Nothing will ever change that.
One of my very first memories are of me living in a mobile home(trailer). I remember there was a bedroom at the end of the hallway and thats where me and my mom and dad all slept. They slept in a big bed, and I slept in a little bed under a window. I remember once I had gone to find them because I noticed that they weren't around, so I went to the bedroom to look for them, and there they were, on the big bed, naked. My dad was on top, and I remember him looking back at me, over his shoulder and he had an really annoyed look on his face, which was weird because he always had a smile on his face when he talked to me. I remember a little warning bell going off in my mind, because he wasm't smiling. Well, the he grabbed a rolled up sock or something and threw it right at me, almost hitting me and he hissed;"Get outta here Starla!".
For some reason this struck me as funny. Probably because I knew I was doing something he didn't want me to do, so I started laughing, and I slid the door shut and went back to the living room. Away from them.
Since I turned 16 I've been able to meet my mom and dad again. I found that I still had a deep love for both of them. That love is something that will never change. I don't care what they've done or havn't done. They are my mommy and daddy and I will always love them dearly. I can say that I am really thankful I didn't grow up with them only because I wouldn't be who Iam today if they had raised me. And I like me. But Iam glad they had me and I am proud to look like them and share certain personality traits as them. For instance, my dad is funny and he's very kind. He always has a positive attitude and he's loved by the people who know him. And my mom, well she's strong. Very strong. She's also very smart. I feel privilidged to be the product of their love.
One of my very first memories are of me living in a mobile home(trailer). I remember there was a bedroom at the end of the hallway and thats where me and my mom and dad all slept. They slept in a big bed, and I slept in a little bed under a window. I remember once I had gone to find them because I noticed that they weren't around, so I went to the bedroom to look for them, and there they were, on the big bed, naked. My dad was on top, and I remember him looking back at me, over his shoulder and he had an really annoyed look on his face, which was weird because he always had a smile on his face when he talked to me. I remember a little warning bell going off in my mind, because he wasm't smiling. Well, the he grabbed a rolled up sock or something and threw it right at me, almost hitting me and he hissed;"Get outta here Starla!".
For some reason this struck me as funny. Probably because I knew I was doing something he didn't want me to do, so I started laughing, and I slid the door shut and went back to the living room. Away from them.
Since I turned 16 I've been able to meet my mom and dad again. I found that I still had a deep love for both of them. That love is something that will never change. I don't care what they've done or havn't done. They are my mommy and daddy and I will always love them dearly. I can say that I am really thankful I didn't grow up with them only because I wouldn't be who Iam today if they had raised me. And I like me. But Iam glad they had me and I am proud to look like them and share certain personality traits as them. For instance, my dad is funny and he's very kind. He always has a positive attitude and he's loved by the people who know him. And my mom, well she's strong. Very strong. She's also very smart. I feel privilidged to be the product of their love.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Why'd she have to be so pretty?
I just found out that my exboyfriend's NEW girlfriend is pretty. Like, really pretty. She has perfect teeth and a really nice body, and is tall and slim.YUCK!
This is the girl that he broke up with me for. For a long time I couldn't figure it out. I had had alot of conversations with her over emails and facebook and stuff like that, and she was always so insecure over me, thinking I was gonna steal him away from her. So I always assumed she was ugly. LOL Well, now, 3 years later I can tell you, that is not the case.
We happen to have a couple mutal friends on our facebook list that I didn't know of and I came across her name by chance one day. Curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on her picture and wouldn't you know it, a whole bunch of her photo's popped up. I couldn't help myself from going through every single picture with my jaw dropped to the ground. This was the girl who was jelouse of ME? OMG She's downright beautiful. Maybe a little trashy looking....hehe...but she WAS beautiful.
I don't know why, even after all these years, that it really affected me. I guess it was easier to process getting dumped when I thought she was probably a dog. I'm so glad I didn't know at the time. Sheesh. Serves me right for creeping on her photo's. Lesson learned.
This is the girl that he broke up with me for. For a long time I couldn't figure it out. I had had alot of conversations with her over emails and facebook and stuff like that, and she was always so insecure over me, thinking I was gonna steal him away from her. So I always assumed she was ugly. LOL Well, now, 3 years later I can tell you, that is not the case.
We happen to have a couple mutal friends on our facebook list that I didn't know of and I came across her name by chance one day. Curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on her picture and wouldn't you know it, a whole bunch of her photo's popped up. I couldn't help myself from going through every single picture with my jaw dropped to the ground. This was the girl who was jelouse of ME? OMG She's downright beautiful. Maybe a little trashy looking....hehe...but she WAS beautiful.
I don't know why, even after all these years, that it really affected me. I guess it was easier to process getting dumped when I thought she was probably a dog. I'm so glad I didn't know at the time. Sheesh. Serves me right for creeping on her photo's. Lesson learned.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Out of Rahab
I just got out of rehab. I was living in a christian rehab centre for the past year. You see, I've had "issues" with drinking and drugs all my life. Ever since the first time I tasted vodka, when I was 15 years old. Its so scary to think that my oldest daughter is going to be 15 this year. I totally still remeber being that age. All the thoughts and feelings I had about my super strict parents. How sheltered I was from the realities of the world. SCARY.
Anyhoo, the past year has been hard. And interesting. It was ther first time ever that I spent enough time being sober to find out who I really was. What I found out I had alot of characteristics that I didn't like. Dammit. I had fooled myself into thinking I was such a good person my whole life, only to find out how self centered and mean I really was.
I also realized how hard it was to come under authority. While I lived in rehab I had to obey all sorts of rules that I thought were stupid. I felt almost daily a struggle deep inside me. I learned not to talk back(amazingly enough), and be obedient. Even if the person who was in authority over me was younger than me, and closer to my oldest daughter's age.
I am glad that the year is through. I feel that I have grown in some ways that I really needed to grow. I am now on my own and in my own appartment, but still connected with the rehab centre. Its been a week so far and I gotta say....I FEEL FREE!!!
Anyhoo, the past year has been hard. And interesting. It was ther first time ever that I spent enough time being sober to find out who I really was. What I found out I had alot of characteristics that I didn't like. Dammit. I had fooled myself into thinking I was such a good person my whole life, only to find out how self centered and mean I really was.
I also realized how hard it was to come under authority. While I lived in rehab I had to obey all sorts of rules that I thought were stupid. I felt almost daily a struggle deep inside me. I learned not to talk back(amazingly enough), and be obedient. Even if the person who was in authority over me was younger than me, and closer to my oldest daughter's age.
I am glad that the year is through. I feel that I have grown in some ways that I really needed to grow. I am now on my own and in my own appartment, but still connected with the rehab centre. Its been a week so far and I gotta say....I FEEL FREE!!!
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