As I was getting ready for work this morning, I found myself
in an empty bedroom. My fiancé must have gotten out of bed during the night and
gone to sleep on the couch. As I started applying my makeup, I realized that I
rarely have the morning hours all to myself, and so I prayed out loud.
Usually I do my praying silently so I don’t weird out my
teenagers or fiancé, or I pray when I’m alone in my car. But this morning, I
saw an opportunity and so I started praying out loud.
I was hit with the reality that my life was exactly what I
had wished for back in my days of homelessness. I remember wandering around residential
areas and walking by homes where I could see in their front windows and see
families sitting together for supper. Sitting together watching tv. I would
recall my own days when I lived in a small townhouse with all 3 of my boys, and
my living room was always full of toys. I would remember waking up and seeing
my smiling Nico standing up in his crib, waiting for me to come grab him and
hug him and bring him to my room to play. I cherished those days and oh, how I
WISH I had never let myself put that damn meth pipe to my lips again. It was
heartbreaking to lose everything that mattered. Heart breaking.
And so, this morning I prayed prayers of thankfulness, and
gratefulness, and I sat there, with my twins boys asleep in the room next to
mine. Thankful that they had come back into my life and gave me a second chance
to be the mommy they always wanted and needed. Grateful that these 2 sons of
mine have forgiven me for my terrible sins. Joyful that I had the privilege of
seeing them every day now, and get to take care of them and advise them and
love them. What a good God I serve.
And how blessed I am to have such a caring partner. A man
who loves me and supports me and would do practically anything for me. It’s
such a change for me to be adored and loved like this.
And then to have a daughter like my Ray. She is so loving
and trusting and lucky her, she has only known me as a great mom. She has never
lived through my selfish years. She adores me and she is my greatest
accomplishment.
I have so much to be thankful for that I didn’t even get to
praying for the things I want or needs today. Things have been going to great
in my life lately and I just want to document this moment.
Going to find out if the baby is a boy or girl in 2 more
weeks! Very very excited.
