I'm afraid to be Loved.

I was reading through my friends status updates today when something caught my eye. It was a post by my friend, that said this year she was going to tell herself a positive word for each day, in order to retrain her mind, and ultimately, her self image.

I too, have been thinking of that recently. Although I have made some huge strides in my own self-worth, there is still alot of work to be done. I know that in the past few years I have proven to myself that I am an over-comer, and achiever of a great many things, but there are places in me I have not tried to heal yet.

I am afraid. I am afraid that I am not worthy of being loved. Yikes. That sounds so bad to say out loud, but I am afraid it's true. In order to be loved you must first love yourself. And I am afraid I'm not there yet. Oh, I believe that God loves me. For me, that's easy to believe. But as far as another human being, or more specifically, a hu-MAN, I'm afraid that I will not find somebody for me. 

I've been very happy so far, being single, but lately I've been thinking it would be nice to have a special someone. Someone who knows the difference between a Klingon and a Cardissaian. Someone who's as into Sci-Fi as I am. Someone who truly believes in God. Someone who's idea of a good time is sitting at home, drinking slurpee's and watching T.V. And most of all, someone who thinks I'm the shiz-nit, and would never be tempted to leave me for someone else. *sigh*

This year I really need to work on myself. I need to work on loving myself, and looking in the mirror, and saying "Hey. Your beautiful, and smart and funny, and there is a man out there who would so so lucky to have you." So I am going to TRY. I am going to put effort back into loving me. I don't want someone to like me for what I look like, but for who I really am. 

Here's hoping!

New Years Resolutions 2013

So it's time again to go over last years resolutions and see what I have accomplished (or havn't)!

2012 Resolutions

1. Get Driver's Lisence ( yep! Bought and paid for Driver's Ed and passed my driver's test the 1st time! plus I bought a car and insurance! SCORE!)
2. Pay off tickets (yep! It took 2 installments of $120 each but they are paid off!)
3. Join Writer's Guild (no. :( I didn't put this one down as a priority, but there's always 2013!)
4. Get down to a size 9 (LOL! Umm, not even close. I'm still a chubby bunny but there's always 2013!)
5. Graduate with a 3.8. ( nope again. Business was very difficult for me and I dropped out. )
6. Furnish rest of appartment. (kind of. I still need bed frames.)
7. Start Volunteering. (yes. I volunteered at a soup kitchen I used to frequent when I was homeless.)
8. Memorize 12 scriptures. ( no, I'm dissappointed that this wasn't done.)
9. Go to Montreal.( Unfortunatly no, it was simply too darn expensive now that baby counts as whole person now.)
10. Make a new friend.(Yes! I have made a couple new friends actually! So yay!)
11. Get a new tattoo. (Yes, I now have "Life Eternal" scrawled across my right shoulder blade. Its very pretty and doesn't give that "BUTCH" effect, at all)

So now that 2012 is done and over with, I do feel accomplished, it's time for 2013!

2013 New Years Resolutions

1. Start writing my life story, in a book, for myself, and for those who love me.
2. Get in shape. I'm not going to give myself a peticular size to try and reach, but as long as don't get mistaken for a pregnant woman this year, I'll be happy!
3. Read my bible on a regular basis.
4. Pay off half of my student loan.
5. Get a newer vehicle.
6. Make a thoughtful decision on my dream career.
7. Learn to save instead of spend.

There. Now I shall put these goals on my wall, so I dont forget them. Here's hoping to another sucessful year of being me.