A Brand New Day!

Wow. Was I ever depressed last night. It was awful. Just allowing my head to get filled up with doubts and fears. I was seriously almost in tears imagining the very worst that could have happened. All I know is that after I wrote my last post I saw my fears and insecurities right in front of me, in black and white, and was able to acknowledge them. It was so helpful. So helpful.


I know that I am well known for being the positive voice, and in times when I'm not feeling very positive, I almost feel lost. Anyhoo, I know for a fact that a friend of mine was praying for me last night/this morning, and when I got up, I felt really good. I felt positive again. I later checked my fb and found a message from my friend saying she had been thinking about me and praying for me, and more specifically, for my school. She's a student mom too, and understands how hard our life is juggling school and home and kids. Anyways, it was like a big nod from God Himself, saying "Hello my child. I know your struggling and I am here for you. I will help you. I will strengthen you." That's the kind of God I serve.


I have been so delighted today, as I have been catching up in my homework. I realized that I am not as far behind as I thought I was, and that I havn't even missed many assignments yet. I am still in good standing! Such a relief.


It's crazy how fear can INFECT the mind. Fear had me dreading my future. Fear had me scared of failing. Fear had me thinking the worst senerios ever. And in reality, things were not that awful. Praise the Lord, that He is with me, and that He see's when I am struggling. I can't imagine living  a life all alone with no contact with God. I cannot imagine how lonely one must feel, to be all alone in the world. I don't ever want to go back to having no faith in anything.


These days are only doable because I KNOW I have a higher power leading me in different path. When I am lonely I pray. When I am scared, I pray. When I need help studying, I pray. When I need money, I pray. When I need work, I pray. When I need patience, I pray. I guess you could say I pray about everything. And my life shows it. This is the life of a praying woman who believes in God with all her heart. Only good things have come from praying.


Lovin' it.

Failing University

O.k. Maybe this is the doubts I"M not supposed to have. I don't feel like I can share my doubts with many people, so I'll blog about it instead.

School is rough. Last term was a bit challenging, but this term is way worse. I am afraid of math. Like, deathly afraid. My career goal used to be to become a school teacher. I fit the profile perfectly. I aimed my post secondary schooling towards getting into an educational degree in University, that is until I had to upgrade my math. It was so hard. I had to drop to a lower level of math because I couldn't cut it in the higher levels. I ended up having to change my career goal, because I couldn't get the level of math I needed. So here I am, in Business school.

Now it's my second term, and I have to take the 2 classes I was hoping to avoid. Financial Math, and Accounting. It is SO hard. And University goes so so fast. I am having a hard time keeping up, and keeping track of my assignments and homework, and even though I always have homework to be done during the weekend, I simply cannot get any homework done with the baby around. I am starting to get really freaked out. I cannot fail. I can't. It would be too embarrassing, and it would total wreck any kind of self- worth and accomplishment that I have managed to build up in the past few years. I can feel myself sinking. I have high hopes for tomorrow, because it's my day off classes, so I am going to go to school anyways and try and get caught up.

Failing is NOT an option. I cannot go back to working for 13-15 dollars an hour. I cannot go back to doing something I don't enjoy. The whole reason for going to school is to be able to do something I will enjoy and get paid well for. I have so many dreams riding on the fact that I will be graduating with diploma's and certificates. I  love the way my life is going. For the first time ever I  have allowed myself to dream and hope for better things. I want to provide for my family, without depending on a man. I want to be able to apply for a mortgage, and buy a house. I want to be able to put my kids in music lessons. I want to be able to get lasik eye surgery so I don't have to wear ugly glasses for the rest of my life. I want so much out of life, and this is the first time I have actually done something to reach these kinds of goals.

I have come through so much so much in my life and I want to keep going. I have beat addiction, and homelessness and helplessness, and want to find out what life is like being NORMAL. I can't stand the thought of living my life out in poverty again. Living in poverty is AWFUL. It sucks not to have enough money to go for a nice haircut, or go on a trip. It sucks to not be able to buy the things you need for your house. I want so much but I am afraid I don't have what it takes to do good in school.

I guess this serves as my reality check. I really need to find a way to get through this term, and succeed. I need to remember why I am doing this, and most of all, I got to remember that I am a lot smarter than I give myself credit for. Tomorrow is the start of a brand new day, and I am going to go after this with all of my heart.

Success can be measured

Oh my gosh. How exciting. I was just reading through old posts and felt the need to update my status! I started driving lessons this month. It was really expensive but so worth the time and money. I will be taking my drivers test in a couple of weeks, and then be getting my car insured! I will finally be a GOOD driver. Driving lessons were kind of funny. My dad is a very agressive driver, and unfortuntaly I must have picked up on a couple of his bad habits, like gunning the gas when I see an orange light. My instructor chastised me for my agressive driving enough times now, that I am very aware of speeding. I can paraleel park like a pro, and have actually practiced driving in full-on rush hour too! I am so so excited to start driving next month, and just hope I can put a cap on my spending so I have enough money for my first insurance payment!


I already have my first road trip planned and I can't wait to start driving out to Athabasca and Barrhead to visit my family more often. Since I moved to the city I only see them 4 or 5 times a year, which is rediculous seeing as how they only live an hour and a half away. And driving to school is going to be HEAVEN. Right now I am having to be up by 5AM, so I can have me and Ray out the door by 6:30am, and at school by 8. With my lisence, it will only take 20 minutes to drive to school!! SO SO EXCITED!


This really has been a life long goal for me, driving. It feels like I am still a child in so many ways, not having a lisence. For my city family functions, they always have to make arrangements to come pick me up or drop me off and it makes me feel like such a loser. I am really really proud of myself for going after this dream with everything I got, and being almost there. It's an exciting time in my life.


As for school, this term is going a bit better than last term. I am taking much harder courses, but I have way more time to work on them. I spend all day at school, in the library, actually doing my home work. I have a really freat Financial Math teacher who gives free tutoring, so I am actually thinking, I just might be able to graduate with a high mark. As I approached this term, I knew that I wanted to do things better. Last term, near the end, I totally started slacking off, but thankfully, it didn't affect my marks.


During this last school break, I didn't work. I stayed home. Took Rayz to daycare, and enjoyed cleaning my house, and doing NOTHING! It was the best thing I had ever done, and by the time school started again, I felt refreshed.


Anyhoo, better go get my baby. I miss her chubby face.

Booze Be Gone

I am so sick of this sea-saw. I am so mad, and disappointed, and sad all at the same time. My parents need help.
Alcoholism has been part of the family since even before I was born. My mom and dad are self proclaimed alcoholics. I had just gotten used to it, not really expecting anything to ever change. That was the way they were and that was it. I loved them any ways. No matter what. To tell you truth, I had never spent too much time with either of them when they were sober. Back in 2006 my mom was doing quite well, with her own appartment and furnishings. Her and her "ol man" at the time had finally moved out of the dive hotel they were living in, and had gotten themselves a nice place on the west end. Both of them had kind of calmed down, and wern't drinking heavily. Probably because there wasn't alot of extra money left after rent was paid, and bills were paid, but it was nice. I remember going to mom's house and drinking coffee, and smoking cigarettes, as we would take turns playing her old school Nintendo. I was wild back then and would always be out drinking with my friends and come home to pass out on her couch.

When my mom was sober, she was quieter than her usual bellering self. She was kind of nice. She was constantly cleaning and cooking and teasing her boyfriend. It was the best I had ever seen her. But eventually, the drive to drink and party starting coming back and fucking up her life. And down she fell. Rock bottom.

That was a long time ago, and now that she's living out of the city, I never see her. But I do her, when she calls. Although the phone calls have become less and less, I still cringe when I pick up a call from "Gamma". She's always drunk. Sometimes only a little bit, and sometimes rip roaring drunk. Swearing and crying. Oh boy.

As for my dad, I never expected him to change at all. My dad's been an alcoholic for all his life, and seem's quite happy. He's homeless, more times than not, and is the most popular guy in the inner city. A kind of skid-row celebrity. He's forever making jokes about anything and everything, and when he was on the street, he always had a crowd of friends following him where ever he went. I love my daddy dearly. When I got to rehab a couple years ago, I started thinking about him, wondering where he was. I had heard that a homeless man was found dead in a bus stop down town, and had a total panic attack. I was crying, and weeping, and praying and pleading with God to please not let it be daddy. It turned out to be a close friend of my fathers. His best friend. That experience shook me to the core, and I started praying for my dad regularly. It must have shook him to the core too, because shortly after that, my dad checked into a rehab centre, and stayed out there for a time. I found out when I saw his girlfriend one day, walking by my rehab centre. I asked her how my dad was doing and if she knew where he was. She gave me the number to where he was and a few months later, my dad was living down the street from where I was living.

Because I am a believer, I don't believe in accidents. I fully believe that there was a higher power at work here, and that God answered my prayers. For the first time in my life I got to know my REAL dad. I found out he was gentle, and still funny, and very caring. My dad was still a great guy when he was drinking, but I love love love the sober side of him way more. I have had the awesome experience of having dinner with him, and having normal conversations with him. We have taken the kids to the park together and he comes over for coffee all the time. He has even become Raya's very favourite babysitter, and really, the only male father figure in her life. I adore my dad. He's been sober for 2 years now, but falls off the wagon every now and then.

Today was one of those days. It makes me so sad to see him drunk now. It's like my sober daddy is gone, and replaced with this sloppy mess of a man. He's a shell. I hate it. I know he'll be ok, but it's just frustrating that he goes back to that bottle every time. Last time he slipped off the wagon, he ended up breaking his ribs and falling asleep in my dumpster. I accidentally found him when I went to take my garbage out and threw it on him.

I am praying for both my parents tonight. I used to be a fall down drunk too. I really was. There was a time when I thought if I died, I had better at least be drunk and happy when I passed. And then it almost really happened, and my perspective started to change. I called out to God to save me from myself and He listened. This time I am making that same call, on behalf of my parents.