So, just to make it clear, University Studies is nothing like upgrading. There is alot self teaching in University. There is tons of homework. And there is alot riding on me passing. I have to pass all these courses befor I can begin next term. Oh why! Oh why! Did I get so behind?! And why?Oh why? Am I having a hard time staying interested in this?
I know I dont have many options. I HAVE to finish what I started. Not only is school my only source of income right now, but I know if I quit I will sent tumbling into a spiral of shame and self doubt, and I will have ahard time believeing in myself again. This is such a challenging time of my life.
I seriously need a good slap in the face.
I am not allowing myself to think the worst. It goes against my religion.
I had better just get to school everyday from now on, no matter how comfy and warm my bed is. It's not like I ever really get to sleep in anyways. Not with Ray waking up automatically by 8am everyday. And then it's not enough that she's up, she HAS to crawl into my bed and sit on my head, to make sure I get up with her so I can watch her color and throw balls around the livingroom, and unravel rolls of toliet paper around my used to be clean appartment. With all this snowfall we've had, I am tired even before I walk out the door, knowing I'll have to navigate her HUGE ASS stroller through the snow and ice just to get to daycare, and then have to tranfer to 3 different busses to get to school because I havn't been able to afford to take driving lessons yet, and I am already a 33 year old woman.
But then, when I finally DO arrive at school, I love it there. I sit in the front row of each class, and volunteer my answers to my teachers. And I chill in the library with my new red laptop, and catch up on homework, or look for interesting DVD's to check out, or update my facebook status to something real nerdy. I wave at all the people that I pass by, who are in my classes, and pretend I know their names(which I don't. I'm terrible with names) and I stop by the store to see if there is anything else I could possibly buy that has the name of my school on it.
One day, I will look back on these school days, as THEE DAYS. Just like when I finally moved out of Rehab. While I was there it seemed so boring. But now, looking back, I'm a thinking ..wow. That was awesome. Just had so much time to relax, and chill, and work on myself, and only myself. Had so much time to make scripture cards. Had so much time to read my bible, and take part in bible studies. I miss those days. Thoses were the days, man. Now I feel like I am being pulled in every direction, not sure exactly where I am going, or what I am doing. Not sure where my furture is gonna lead. Not sure if I chose the right carreer. In fact, really thinking I chose wrong. Hoping it's right. But thinking it's wrong. Hoping God can turn this mistake into another miracle, like He always seems to do. Hoping, hoping, hoping.
Real life sucks man. This is way harder than drinking my life away. Way harder. I know it's gonna be worth it in the end though. It has to be.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
My 5 minute presentation on Homelessness
Hi! My name is Chris Gail and Iam a 33 year old student here, in the Business Program. As some of you may know, one of my goals when I finish this program is to be able to run a homeless shelter. It's not because I am this great person, who can be compared to Mother Theresa. It's not because I have extremely high morals and that I want to save the world either. The truth of the matter is that I want to help the homeless because, I, myself, was once there.
Back in 2009, my life was quite different from what it is today. The summer of 2009, you would have found me in the downtown core, trying to survive. My life had lost meaning and purpose, and I found myself on the streets, here in this city. You would be surprised at the kind of people I met down there. People like me. Just normal human beings who had gone through different struggles in life, and had found themselves homeless. They wern't born homeless.
Among those that I met was a man in his 50's. His wife had divorced him due to his alcohol problem, and had kicked him out. He was a nice man. I always felt like he didn't belone out there. He was too nice, and was taken advantage of too many times. He had a nice house on the northside that was bought and paid for, and his wife lived there. He, however, slept on an old matress, in the back alley, covered up with an old piece of carpet.
Another man I met I met out there had been on the streets for years. It was like he was used to it. Same ol, same ol. He was terminally ill, and knew he was dying. He had a great sense of humor and was always willing to share what little he had, wherther that be smokes, food or beer. He visited his sick wife in the hospital everyday, and even though he tried to put up a brave front, I remember a few times when he would sit in that back alley, with a far away look in his eyes, and you could just tell that his heart was breaking a little bit more. Even if she did get better, they didn't have anywhere to go. The streets WAS home.
As the summer started to come to an end, and september approached, it started to get really really cold outside. The wind started blowing right through us, and staying outside all day was no longer an option. It was just too cold. Luckily there were a few organizations downtown that opened their doors to the homeless, so we could warm up. Anyways, that was a turning point in my life. I just couldn't do it anymore. I was worn out, and worn down, and tired of that life.
Fortunately for me, I had family to turn to. I hadn't talked to them for years because I didn't want to make them worry, but that day, I knew they would be my way out. And so I made that life changing call home.
Thats the day I left homeless life behind me. These last 3 years have been wonderful. I have been so fortunate to start experienceing a new quality of life!I am now a mother. I have an adorable 2 year old girl. I am a successful student. I have doing studeis for 2 years now! I now live in a 2 bedroom appartment complete with a memory foam pillow top matress! I have come a long ways. No matter how many good things I've experienced since that time in my life, living on the streets in an experience I can never forget. It changed my perspective and it's one of those thigs that some people never escape!
I am blessed that I got out. Now that my life is on the right track, I feel the need to try and help. My life used to mean nothing and I know how those people feel. I've felt the defeat, and hopelessness. I know what it feels like to believe your worthless. Its not a nice feeling. And it's not true. Nobody is worthless. Every human being has value. I would like to be involved in a place where hope can be introduced or even restored, to those who have lost it, or may have never experienced hope before. I am hoping that by the time I finish my diploma in Business I will have the skills and confidence to run a place that gives homeless people a new start in life. I was lucky to have my Nickel family. They supported me (financially, spiritually and emotionally) and encouraged me to try something new. I would like to have that opportunity to help others the way I was helped.
For now, I must remain focused on my studies, but I am taking all donations of blankets for the homeless. Like I said, it's cold out there. I am currently volunteering at a place that helps the less fortunate because it remains a cause that is close to my heart. I have seen old friends and family members down there and they need blankets. So please, if you have an extra blanket sitting around at home, bring it in and give it to me, so I can make sure that someone who needs it, gets it!
Homeless people are human beings. And the reson I shared my story with you is because I want you to remember , the next time you see someone less fortunate, is that they are someones sister, someones dad, they are someone's husband or wife. Who know's why they are there? Could be addiction, depression, or maybe it's just their way of life. Whatever the reson may be, bottom line is that thay are a human being. Just like me. Thank you for listening.
Back in 2009, my life was quite different from what it is today. The summer of 2009, you would have found me in the downtown core, trying to survive. My life had lost meaning and purpose, and I found myself on the streets, here in this city. You would be surprised at the kind of people I met down there. People like me. Just normal human beings who had gone through different struggles in life, and had found themselves homeless. They wern't born homeless.
Among those that I met was a man in his 50's. His wife had divorced him due to his alcohol problem, and had kicked him out. He was a nice man. I always felt like he didn't belone out there. He was too nice, and was taken advantage of too many times. He had a nice house on the northside that was bought and paid for, and his wife lived there. He, however, slept on an old matress, in the back alley, covered up with an old piece of carpet.
Another man I met I met out there had been on the streets for years. It was like he was used to it. Same ol, same ol. He was terminally ill, and knew he was dying. He had a great sense of humor and was always willing to share what little he had, wherther that be smokes, food or beer. He visited his sick wife in the hospital everyday, and even though he tried to put up a brave front, I remember a few times when he would sit in that back alley, with a far away look in his eyes, and you could just tell that his heart was breaking a little bit more. Even if she did get better, they didn't have anywhere to go. The streets WAS home.
As the summer started to come to an end, and september approached, it started to get really really cold outside. The wind started blowing right through us, and staying outside all day was no longer an option. It was just too cold. Luckily there were a few organizations downtown that opened their doors to the homeless, so we could warm up. Anyways, that was a turning point in my life. I just couldn't do it anymore. I was worn out, and worn down, and tired of that life.
Fortunately for me, I had family to turn to. I hadn't talked to them for years because I didn't want to make them worry, but that day, I knew they would be my way out. And so I made that life changing call home.
Thats the day I left homeless life behind me. These last 3 years have been wonderful. I have been so fortunate to start experienceing a new quality of life!I am now a mother. I have an adorable 2 year old girl. I am a successful student. I have doing studeis for 2 years now! I now live in a 2 bedroom appartment complete with a memory foam pillow top matress! I have come a long ways. No matter how many good things I've experienced since that time in my life, living on the streets in an experience I can never forget. It changed my perspective and it's one of those thigs that some people never escape!
I am blessed that I got out. Now that my life is on the right track, I feel the need to try and help. My life used to mean nothing and I know how those people feel. I've felt the defeat, and hopelessness. I know what it feels like to believe your worthless. Its not a nice feeling. And it's not true. Nobody is worthless. Every human being has value. I would like to be involved in a place where hope can be introduced or even restored, to those who have lost it, or may have never experienced hope before. I am hoping that by the time I finish my diploma in Business I will have the skills and confidence to run a place that gives homeless people a new start in life. I was lucky to have my Nickel family. They supported me (financially, spiritually and emotionally) and encouraged me to try something new. I would like to have that opportunity to help others the way I was helped.
For now, I must remain focused on my studies, but I am taking all donations of blankets for the homeless. Like I said, it's cold out there. I am currently volunteering at a place that helps the less fortunate because it remains a cause that is close to my heart. I have seen old friends and family members down there and they need blankets. So please, if you have an extra blanket sitting around at home, bring it in and give it to me, so I can make sure that someone who needs it, gets it!
Homeless people are human beings. And the reson I shared my story with you is because I want you to remember , the next time you see someone less fortunate, is that they are someones sister, someones dad, they are someone's husband or wife. Who know's why they are there? Could be addiction, depression, or maybe it's just their way of life. Whatever the reson may be, bottom line is that thay are a human being. Just like me. Thank you for listening.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Mommy Dearest
You know what? I'm kinda scared for my mom. You see, my dad just died, and now she's alone. I know she's feeling lonely, cuz she has called me and told me that she is lonely. I feel bad for her, because I don't know how she's going to find someone who loves her as much as my dad loved her. She is difficult to be around. She is sometimes mean. She is bossy. She is demanding. But dad didn't care. He loved her with all his heart, no matter what. I don't know if she'll find someone with an unconditional love for her again.
I love my mom. I really do. So I am praying for her, and hoping for the best. I know for a fact that God can do anything He chooses to do, and so I will continue to pray and never lose hope that her life will continually get better.
I love my mom. I really do. So I am praying for her, and hoping for the best. I know for a fact that God can do anything He chooses to do, and so I will continue to pray and never lose hope that her life will continually get better.
Day Two of Fitness
There is sweat pouring down my face right now. My body is emulating off enough heat to warm a small tent. I have just finished level 1 of the 30-Day Shred. There was a war going in my mind all day today. Around noon, when I put Raya down for her nap, was when the war began. "You should do a quick workout while Raya's sleeping!" an excited voice in my head said. "Well, let's just check how SIMS is doing. I need to make some more money real quick first." the other voice replied. An hour and a half later, I have made some clever remarks on facebook, and now Raya is crying to get out of bed. Hmmm, well, the workout will have to wait.
It wasn't until about half an hour ago, when I was bored of watching repeats on HGTV, that I decided that 20 minutes wouldn't be all that bad. Plus, I wouldn't be able to brag about working out again! hahaha
Anyways, I feel great. I feel like change is coming. I feel hopeful. Oh ya, and I feel sticky and sweaty.
I'd better go shower.
Night y'all!
It wasn't until about half an hour ago, when I was bored of watching repeats on HGTV, that I decided that 20 minutes wouldn't be all that bad. Plus, I wouldn't be able to brag about working out again! hahaha
Anyways, I feel great. I feel like change is coming. I feel hopeful. Oh ya, and I feel sticky and sweaty.
I'd better go shower.
Night y'all!
No Pain, No Gain.
So, I am very proud of myself for working out yesterday. I completed level 1 of Jillian Micheal's 30- Day Shred. I have made a promise to myself to make and effort to get back into shape this year. I know I deserve to be looking my best, because this is truly, the best I have ever felt, in my life. It has taken me a long time to get here. To get to the point where I accept myself, and accept who I am, and feel confident that I can improve my life. This next year is all about goal reaching and planning for the future.
This blog will serve as an inspiration to me in the future. I can look back and see my drive, and remember the thought I have having.
Right now, I feel really proud of myself. My body aches in weird places but it's a good hurt. I know that if I keep it up, my body will start changing drastically. I have good genes. My father is naturally slim and muscular, and in the past, I have been able to build muscle very quickly. Faster than most people, so I am bound and determined to take advantage of my genetics.
The Jillian Michael's workout is only a 20 minute workout, and when I was doing it yesterday, there came a time, in the middle of the workout, where I suddenly felt that I could not go on. So I took a quick breather and joined to workout again. Before I knew it, the workout was over, and I felt sooo good. I felt like I had gotten over the hump, and thought to myself, "Man, that went by quickly. I COULD do this once a day. I should do this once a day. Why not?"
This whole fitness thing IS important to me. I am young, and single, and love to be active. I also love clothes shopping, but for the past 2 years shopping has been an awful experience. I see clothes that I really love, but they don't look good on me. When your bigger, clothes don't fit the way you want them too. There are too many factors you have to consider. Clothes that are too snug show off the rolls. But clothes that are too loose look like tents. I have made a decision to stop buying clothes until I lose a few sizes. Buying size 14 clothes now, will only give me an excuse to stay the way I am. I have told myself that when my jeans start falling off my body, I will be allowed to go shopping for new clothes, which is pretty exciting! It gives me something to look forward to.
So welcome to my fitness blog. Come on this new journey with me!
This blog will serve as an inspiration to me in the future. I can look back and see my drive, and remember the thought I have having.
Right now, I feel really proud of myself. My body aches in weird places but it's a good hurt. I know that if I keep it up, my body will start changing drastically. I have good genes. My father is naturally slim and muscular, and in the past, I have been able to build muscle very quickly. Faster than most people, so I am bound and determined to take advantage of my genetics.
The Jillian Michael's workout is only a 20 minute workout, and when I was doing it yesterday, there came a time, in the middle of the workout, where I suddenly felt that I could not go on. So I took a quick breather and joined to workout again. Before I knew it, the workout was over, and I felt sooo good. I felt like I had gotten over the hump, and thought to myself, "Man, that went by quickly. I COULD do this once a day. I should do this once a day. Why not?"
This whole fitness thing IS important to me. I am young, and single, and love to be active. I also love clothes shopping, but for the past 2 years shopping has been an awful experience. I see clothes that I really love, but they don't look good on me. When your bigger, clothes don't fit the way you want them too. There are too many factors you have to consider. Clothes that are too snug show off the rolls. But clothes that are too loose look like tents. I have made a decision to stop buying clothes until I lose a few sizes. Buying size 14 clothes now, will only give me an excuse to stay the way I am. I have told myself that when my jeans start falling off my body, I will be allowed to go shopping for new clothes, which is pretty exciting! It gives me something to look forward to.
So welcome to my fitness blog. Come on this new journey with me!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)