give thanks

http://youtu.be/Y1WmzRxBGFY

Something I've just learned recently is that when I think of, and focus on money(or lack of it!), it makes me unhappy. I worry, and then I start feeling down. Thats so NOT the way God intended for me to live.

But when I put my focus on Him, and all the things Iam learning about who He is, you know, that He will never leave me, He will not stop loving me, and that He will always provide for ALL of my needs, I feel happy, deep down inside. Being able to have faith in something greater than my myself is wonderful. Even on days like today where I got my monthly check, and was just able to cover my monthly expenses, Iam feeling happy. I know that God is the one who made sure my bills got paid this month, and made sure my daycare got paid, and my rent, and my buss pass. Its all ok.

I'd just like to list some things that Iam thabnkful for right now.

Iam thankful that Iam able to go to school for another term, and get one step closer to the life I want for me and my children. Iam thankful that I got funding for daycare, and that my baby loves going to daycare. Iam thankful that I have enough money to buy a bus pass thisa month, and will be able to attend school everyday without worries. Iam thankful that Iam losing weight. Walking my baby to and from daycare everyday has been kind of a pain in the arse, but look at my arse!!! Its getting smaller! And firmer!! Iam thankful that I have internet acess at my house, and that I have a nice pc, and Iam able to look on youtube for workout video's, and make-up tutorials, and hair tutorials!! Youtube is the BEST! I also enjoy going on youtube and watching creepy video's about the Illuminati, and Reptilians,etc. hahaha, I know, I can be such a sci-fi nerd when I want to be. I spent the entire day yesterday watching creepy videos! Anyhooo, back to thankfulness....

Iam thankful that my kids love me, even after I dissappeared for years. I am grateful that they didn't hate me when I came back into their lives, and that they are all allowing me to make up for lost time! SO GREATFUL!! Iam thankful that I have such a well-behaved little baby. She entertains herself well, and she hasn't been sickly, or fussy. She has seriously been the easiest baby I've ever had. And she has an amazing personality. Iam grateful that alcohol no longer controls my every thought, and action. Its actually quite amazing to me still that I have no desire for it anymore. I honestly thouight that if I quit drinking, I would be miserable, and be thinking about it all the time! SO NOT TRUE! I love that I never think about it, or long for it. Same with the meth. Iam thankful that those chains of bondage have been broken. There was a time, not that long ago, that I would not believed that I would ever WANT to quit meth. But it lost it's luster. It lost it's appeal. That HAD TO have been God, opening my eyes to what was real. I'm praying for all the other meth addicts out there, hoping that their eyes too, will open.

Iam thankful that I have unique gifts and talents. I LOVE making things pretty.I am artistic, and creative. I love writing, and sharing my experiences. Iam thankful that I have talents and skills.  Iam thankful that I have learned many lessons from the school of life. Iam thankful that I know how important it is to treat ALLothers, not just the rich ones, or the goodlooking ones, but ALL FELLOW human beings. I think thats something you either know or you don't, and I do. I am thankful that I've been on both sides of the tracks. Iam thankful that its finally summer. Iam thankful that someone gave me a almost brand new stroller for free, and he didn't even know me. Iam thankful that my morning bus driver always says good morning to me and smiles, and tells me to have a good day when I get off. It always makes me smile, and feel good. Iam thankful that I have friends now who like me for who I really am. Iam thankful that I have enough courage to be, and not care what others think of me. Iam thankful that I have 2 more days to watch star trek all day long! haha

I really could keep going, but theres a little baby girl who wants to play with mommy.

I'm thankful for that too!!

Last Day of School!!

So, I just finished my first term at school! It was awesome to go back to school and find that I'm a smarty pants! Seriously, I never suspected that I had it in me recieve honors! After living so much of my life with such low esteem, and low self worth, I never allowed myself to dream big. I never took it into consideration that I could do something useful with my life! Iam so incredibly happy that I have a wonderful future ahead of me.

The Lord has really opened up my eyes and allowed me to see myself as a valuable person, who has alot to offer this world. I have placed my life before the Almighty God and said,"Here Iam . Use me for what you created me for!"

As more time goes by, and I accomplish more and more things, I feel my confidence rising up inside of me. Gone are the feelings of not being good enough. Gone are my feelings of unworthyness. Gone are my feelings of insecurity. It feels wonderful and Iam so so grateful.

Nice and fat.

There is always the temptation to listen to that little voice inside that constantly critizes me, but I've found that I don't want to listen to that vioce. I mean, who WANTS to listen to a voice that puts you down all day? Especially when you figure out that you have a choice. You don't have to listen to that crap.
Thats what the Jesus voice tells me anyways. I have found that listening to that positive voice makes my life more enjoyable. After I had Raya, I was fat. I mean, I gained 80 pounds with her. To go from a size 7 to a size 18 has the potential to do alot of harm to a persons self esteem.

I found it a little hard to get used to last summer, right after I had her. I was seriously huge. hahaha  Before I had her, I remember ther feeling of walking down the street and seeing out of the corner of my eyes, peoples heads turning everywhere. It felt good, most of the time. To feel like I had the acceptance of those around me becasue of my good looks and nice body. Sometimes though, it got to be too much and I remember sometimes not wanting all that kind of attention, and so I'd waer incredibly baggy hoodies, and old, worn out flare legged jeans. Well, last summer I did not have to worry about that happening.


I was close to 200 pounds, and wearing big glasses again(something I havn't done for many years), and I felt so unattractive. The funny thing is, there were only some brief moments when I'd feel ugly, and fat, and that was usually when I was with my friend Bex, who had the most georgouse, right out of the magazine body I have ever seen in real life. Walking down the street beside her, I felt so insecure. I'll admit, it felt awful. Espsecially to see that she was getting the kind of looks I used to get.

But as the summer went on, it got easier. I started seeing qualities in myself that I really liked. Iam a very funny person, and enjoy making people laugh. Iam also very stylish, and get compliments on my make-up, and hair and  clothes all the time! Iam also a really caring person, and its really hard to be self -centered when your time is filled up loving other people. So as the summer went on, I became more comfortable with myself, and my hugeness. It also helped that I lived in a houseful of women who really loved me, and supported me, and accepted me for who I was. None of them had ever seen me skinny. They met me when I checked into rehab, when I was 6 months pregnant, so they all had only known me as a larger woman. Cool!

I love who Iam now. I have found a new self esteem, where Iam not judging myself on how I look. Sure, I hope that oneday I will be back into a size 7, but in the meantime, who cares? I  do not have to impress anyone. Iam a real woman, who has a million babies, and nobody really cares how much I weigh, do they? If you do, speak now, or forever hold your piece! haw!haw!haw!

Iam nice and fat. There. I said it.

Burning Poision Drink

It was beggining to be a hot summer's day. Me and my Papa were doing the rounds on his farm, walking around the farm yard, picking up random rocks here and there. Papa would bend down, and pick up the large rocks he found, and he would dust the dirt off of it with his big, thick thumb, and then toss it outside the fence-line. This particular day we were heading to the abandonded house.

Me and my sister loved this old abandoned house when we got older. It was strictly off limits because it was falling apart, but when we got older it became one of our most favorite places to play. Anyways, at the time of this walk, I remember I was only in kindergarten, so I was probably only 4 years old. I clearly remember the sun was begginning to get really hot, and we had been walking for quite awhile already. I felt so thirsty. Papa was inspecting around the house, looking unerneath it where it was jacked up onto big beams. He was moving so slowly and didn't seem to be ina hurry. I remember wanting to go home and get a drink. Thats when I saw a big, square jug of water.

Ohhh my....I could already feel the cool, refreshing liquid gushing down my parched throat, as I saw it there, glinting in the sunlight. It was almost hidden in the tall grass that was growing up beside the house. I looked around for Papa but he was busy, pulling random weeds, here and there, on the other side of the house. "Well, I'm a big girl." I thought to myself. "I can get my own drink." and I walked over to the big, square jug.

I unscrewed the cap,  carefully balanced the enormous jug between my small, 4-year old hands, and poured the clear liquid into my waiting mouth. And

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHGgggggggggggggg!!!!!!!" I screamed in pain!!!!!!!

The liquid BURNED everywhere! It burned my throat! It burned my tounge!!!! I could hardly scream because it burned soooo bad!

Papa wasn't too far away and he heard me scream, and I could harly catch my breath, because the chemicles were burning my throat! He ran over to me, and ripped the jug outta my hands, and slapped me on the back repeatedly. I spat out the poision, and started trying to cry, but the poison was still burning. I heard Papa saying "You'll be alright. You'll be alright." and I remember thinking, "No I won't! No I won't! It hurts Papa! Don't say I'll be alright!"

A few minutes later we were on our way back to the house, and Papa was being stern with me. He was sternly telling me not to drink out of jugs anymore because you never know what was in them. I promised my Papa I would not drink out of strange jugs anymore, and we walked hand in hand back home.

The jug of "water" had turned out to be a jug of  ant-poison.

innuendo

in·nu·en·do/ˌinyo͞oˈendō/

Noun: An allusive or oblique remark or hint, typically a suggestive or disparaging one: "innuendo, gossip, and half-truths".

 

 

Will my past ever leave me alone? Its so hurtful to know and be reminded of what a shmuck I used to be.

Many, many years ago, a camera went missing at my parents house. I remember the day I visited them, because back then I only saw them once a year, if that. I remember sitting in their livingroom, feeling uncomfortable, and trying to think of excuses so I could get outta there and go home, and my dad came into the living room. He was looking behind my chair, and on the shelves, and on their record player. He was searching and searching everywhere, and if you know my parents house, you know that they are OCD clean freaks, and there is not one thing EVER outta place in their house. I was like,"Dad. What are you looking for?" and he told me he couldn't find his camera. The last time he used it was somewhere and some time and he couldn't remember where he had put it. And then he left to go check his office. I thought nothing of it, and left shortly after, glad to be away from them, and their looks of concern, and all their nosy questions, like "Was I still drinking?", and "Was I still on drugs?" I was thinking, "Uh, ya actually, I have a big, cold 2 litre cooler waiting for me at home so can I go now?", but I only farced my best smile and said"No."

Anyhoo, I never even thought about the camera again until today. Then I found out that when they tell the story of their missing camera, it's always we lost our camera, oh ya, and Starla was over that day that it went missing.

 

Thats called innuendo. I'm taking English 10-1 right now and we are learning about all sorts of literary terms, and that is called innuendo. I never thought they would actually think I stole from them. I've never been a theif. Sure, I've been a alcoholic, and I've had a past with drugs, but steal? No. Not me. I'm not a theif.

I remember once when I was 19 years old, me and my boyfriend Mark went with our daughter to K-Mart. It was around christmas time, and we were flat broke. So Mark decided that he's gonna steal us christmas presents. I strolled little Summy in her stroller and watched as Mark slid merchandise into her stroller, and then we tried to casually walkl out of the store. Immediatly, two security officers arrested us and we got sent to Remands, here in edmonton. They put little Summer in the cells with us until my mom could come and pick her up. We were then processed, and had to be strip searched. And by the way, that IS THE MOST humiliating thing I've eever experienced...well...it reates up there anyways. Anyways, we went to court and I got my charges dropped, and Mark got slapped with theft. Have not stolen since then.

 

This really bothers me to think that all these years my parents have  been thinking I was a criminal. Stealing from them. Never once did they ever say a word to me about this. I am so upset. I have invited them over tomorrow to talk about this among other things. Please Lord, give me the right words to say, and give me forgiveness and strength. Lord, you know Iam innocent. Please, be my protector. :(