Now I just dont care. I smoke all the time. In fact, I'm sucking one back right now. And the thing is, I feel super guilty, but I just can't stop.
I just needed to get that off my chest.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
I started smoking again... :(
I started smoking again. About 4 months ago. It feels like 4 years. I don't know why I even started again. I guess it was the stress of school, but one day, I found myself at the 7-11, buying a pack of John Players. It was like I had never quit. The taste and the feel of smoking appealed to me immediaetly. The only thing I really noticed that it made my clothes and hair stink. At first I only smoked at school, but then I started craving cigarettes at home. So I started smoking beside my open livingroom window, always making sure to blow outside, and then spray febreeze all over my living room, to remove any traces the smoke left in my once fresh smelling appartment.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Addiction from the Other Side
It's so weird. These past few months I have been experiencing addiction from the other side. When you are in that life-style, you are not thinking of those who love you. Your family, your REAL friends, your kids. I know this because I myself used to be an addict.
My life was totally self-centered, and I was completely self absorbed. All that mattered was me, me ,me. I never took a moment to think about my behavior affected those around me....or those I pushed away and out of my life.
Since recovering I have had to deal with issues like trust, and I have had to make a huge effort to mend relationships with those people I hurt. Especially the relationship I had with my children. They didn't understand why I had left. They still don't understand the power addiction had over me, and in their mind, I simply abandoned them, because I didn't love them. I struggle on a regular basis, trying to get their trust back, and it hurts. During a fight one time, one of my sons yelled at me, "Ya well, you abandoned us!" and I was stopped dead in my tracks. I HAD abandoned them. They were so little and innocent, and I left them. Never for one second thinking of how that made them feel. All they knew was that Mommy had left. And that breaks my heart.
I guess I have been having these revelations lately because my own dad is caught up in addiction. This past year I have really bonded with him, and have been delighted to see my little baby girl bonding with her Grandpa. Well, the middle of this summer my dad fell off the wagon and started drinking again. He returned to the streets, and returned to sleeping outside. My dad lives in my area of the city, so these past few months have been hard on me. I would see him, walking down the street with his shopping cart, and see that he was drunk. It broke my heart. I would run into him in the alley from time to time, and he'd be so wasted that I couldn't even talk to him. My baby would want to go see Grandpa, but he was too smashed to pick her up or remember her name.
He would buzz on my buzzer asking for "change". I had to turn him away and finally, I had to forbid to come to my place, because he was always drunk and begging for money.
It was really hard for me understand at first. Why would he want to return to the streets when he had a daughter and granddaughter that counted on him? Were we not good enough to stay sober for? Didn't he like the life we had together? And then it got me thinking to how self-centered I used to be. And it made me sad.
Addiction is a horrible disease, and it blinds a person. I know my dad isn't intentionally trying to hurt me. I known that he is looking for an escape from a life that holds no joy for him. I know there were issues at his home that he couldn't seem to resolve. And sometimes running away can seem like a pretty good idea. But the truth is, you have to come back to the real world sometime, and set things right.
Just like I am trying to do with my sons. I love them so much, and I am so sorry for what I have put them through, and I don't expect them to "forgive and forget". But I am willing to do whatever it takes to let them see the real me.
I love my dad, and I guess the silver lining in the cloud is the fact that I am seeing it from the other side now. It does hurt to see him hurting himself. It does worry me when I see him on the streets. But thank the Lord, I got a call from daddy a short time ago, and he has returned to his home and is safe and sound tonight.
I also know that I would never want to put anyone through that again. I am SO aware of how my actions affect others, and I feel confident that the life I left behind is behind me for good. I can't stand the thought of hurting and disappointing the important people in my life again. I am really happy that I got this chance at a normal life and that it's working out good for me.
My life was totally self-centered, and I was completely self absorbed. All that mattered was me, me ,me. I never took a moment to think about my behavior affected those around me....or those I pushed away and out of my life.
Since recovering I have had to deal with issues like trust, and I have had to make a huge effort to mend relationships with those people I hurt. Especially the relationship I had with my children. They didn't understand why I had left. They still don't understand the power addiction had over me, and in their mind, I simply abandoned them, because I didn't love them. I struggle on a regular basis, trying to get their trust back, and it hurts. During a fight one time, one of my sons yelled at me, "Ya well, you abandoned us!" and I was stopped dead in my tracks. I HAD abandoned them. They were so little and innocent, and I left them. Never for one second thinking of how that made them feel. All they knew was that Mommy had left. And that breaks my heart.
I guess I have been having these revelations lately because my own dad is caught up in addiction. This past year I have really bonded with him, and have been delighted to see my little baby girl bonding with her Grandpa. Well, the middle of this summer my dad fell off the wagon and started drinking again. He returned to the streets, and returned to sleeping outside. My dad lives in my area of the city, so these past few months have been hard on me. I would see him, walking down the street with his shopping cart, and see that he was drunk. It broke my heart. I would run into him in the alley from time to time, and he'd be so wasted that I couldn't even talk to him. My baby would want to go see Grandpa, but he was too smashed to pick her up or remember her name.
He would buzz on my buzzer asking for "change". I had to turn him away and finally, I had to forbid to come to my place, because he was always drunk and begging for money.
It was really hard for me understand at first. Why would he want to return to the streets when he had a daughter and granddaughter that counted on him? Were we not good enough to stay sober for? Didn't he like the life we had together? And then it got me thinking to how self-centered I used to be. And it made me sad.
Addiction is a horrible disease, and it blinds a person. I know my dad isn't intentionally trying to hurt me. I known that he is looking for an escape from a life that holds no joy for him. I know there were issues at his home that he couldn't seem to resolve. And sometimes running away can seem like a pretty good idea. But the truth is, you have to come back to the real world sometime, and set things right.
Just like I am trying to do with my sons. I love them so much, and I am so sorry for what I have put them through, and I don't expect them to "forgive and forget". But I am willing to do whatever it takes to let them see the real me.
I love my dad, and I guess the silver lining in the cloud is the fact that I am seeing it from the other side now. It does hurt to see him hurting himself. It does worry me when I see him on the streets. But thank the Lord, I got a call from daddy a short time ago, and he has returned to his home and is safe and sound tonight.
I also know that I would never want to put anyone through that again. I am SO aware of how my actions affect others, and I feel confident that the life I left behind is behind me for good. I can't stand the thought of hurting and disappointing the important people in my life again. I am really happy that I got this chance at a normal life and that it's working out good for me.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
My first "Grown Up" job.
Alas, another new chapter in my life has finally begun. I have recently been employed at, what I fondly refer to, as a "grown-up" job. It's actually a career opportunity. Which is exciting.
After a grueling term at University, in classes that I dreaded completely, I decided to take a nice long break from school, and work my butt off to pay back the rather large student loan I have acquired. I started applying for office jobs, which I have been trained for. Lo and behold, after putting my resume on-line, I started receiving the job offers.
I told myself that I was going to be picky, and set a price in my head that I wouldn't budge from. I headed off to interviews, telling my would-be employers that I would not work for anything less than $16/hour. On the third day of interviews, I headed to one that I had no idea even what the job entailed. My interview went smashing. At the end, they asked me straight out what my expected salary was, and in a very firm voice I said, "I will work for no less that $16 an hour." They looked at each other and told me what starting salary was, and I was shocked. Wow. When can I start?!
Needless to say, I accepted the position and have been there for a week so far! It's a great job. So much better than what I was expecting! For so much more than I have ever made before! I should have my loan paid off in no time, and then I can start saving for a down payment on a house! Life just keeps getting better and better!
I still drive to work in the morning with a huge and silly grin on my face! I am a grown up now! I have a grown up job, and grown up dreams! And I even dress like a grown up now for work! (because of the super strict dress code!) I just feel like life is really starting for me, and I couldn't be happier!
Years ago, I never would have thought that I could get the kind of life I have always dreamed about. Really. I have always had dreams of owning my own house and my own car, and vacationing in cool places. I never dared to allow myself to dream. It just seemed like there were too many obstacles in my life, and most of all, I never believed a girl like me deserved a good kind of life. Things have changed so much over the past few years. The way I see myself is different. My outlook on life has changed. And I can see myself reaching my goals very easily now. Its no longer a matter of "Can I?", but now it's a matter of "When am I...?"
No matter how bad my life used to be, I wouldn't change it for the world. I lived through alot of heartbreak, and abuse, and generally, the tough life, but now that I am finally experiencing good things, it just makes me all the more grateful for the good and simple things in my life. Like driving. Like working. Like having opportunities to give people hope and encouragement. Grateful. Grateful. Grateful. That's what I am. I thank the Lord above EVERY SINGLE DAY for my life. I really do.
I am looking forward to seeing where life is going to take me next. For now though, I'm gonna relax on my couch, and just enjoy this moment. I have a good life. AMEN!
After a grueling term at University, in classes that I dreaded completely, I decided to take a nice long break from school, and work my butt off to pay back the rather large student loan I have acquired. I started applying for office jobs, which I have been trained for. Lo and behold, after putting my resume on-line, I started receiving the job offers.
I told myself that I was going to be picky, and set a price in my head that I wouldn't budge from. I headed off to interviews, telling my would-be employers that I would not work for anything less than $16/hour. On the third day of interviews, I headed to one that I had no idea even what the job entailed. My interview went smashing. At the end, they asked me straight out what my expected salary was, and in a very firm voice I said, "I will work for no less that $16 an hour." They looked at each other and told me what starting salary was, and I was shocked. Wow. When can I start?!
Needless to say, I accepted the position and have been there for a week so far! It's a great job. So much better than what I was expecting! For so much more than I have ever made before! I should have my loan paid off in no time, and then I can start saving for a down payment on a house! Life just keeps getting better and better!
I still drive to work in the morning with a huge and silly grin on my face! I am a grown up now! I have a grown up job, and grown up dreams! And I even dress like a grown up now for work! (because of the super strict dress code!) I just feel like life is really starting for me, and I couldn't be happier!
Years ago, I never would have thought that I could get the kind of life I have always dreamed about. Really. I have always had dreams of owning my own house and my own car, and vacationing in cool places. I never dared to allow myself to dream. It just seemed like there were too many obstacles in my life, and most of all, I never believed a girl like me deserved a good kind of life. Things have changed so much over the past few years. The way I see myself is different. My outlook on life has changed. And I can see myself reaching my goals very easily now. Its no longer a matter of "Can I?", but now it's a matter of "When am I...?"
No matter how bad my life used to be, I wouldn't change it for the world. I lived through alot of heartbreak, and abuse, and generally, the tough life, but now that I am finally experiencing good things, it just makes me all the more grateful for the good and simple things in my life. Like driving. Like working. Like having opportunities to give people hope and encouragement. Grateful. Grateful. Grateful. That's what I am. I thank the Lord above EVERY SINGLE DAY for my life. I really do.
I am looking forward to seeing where life is going to take me next. For now though, I'm gonna relax on my couch, and just enjoy this moment. I have a good life. AMEN!
Saturday, July 28, 2012
I was homeless 3 years ago.
It's sometimes hard to believe that 3 years ago, I was suffering from alcoholism and extreme depression. I still remember it well. I am so grateful for the past 3 years. I have been given time to heal, and to get to know who I really am. I successfully completed a 2 year rehab program, and finished my high school upgrading. I joined the workforce for a short time and excelled in my position. I then went on to University studies. The first term I kicked ass in, and this last term, I was faced the reality of my own abilities. I found out the hard way that you should never follow dreams others may have for you. I know that I was trying to get my business diploma for all the wrong reasons, and it turned out that I failed.
I learned that failing is ok and that it's not the end of the world. It simply means that business is not what I was meant to do. It may have been an expensive mistake, but again, it's not the end of the world.
Now that school is almost over I have gone to back to work. For now I'm working at my old job, but as of August, I will be working a new, high paying job in an office environment. I will get to wear suits to work, and have full benefits. I really am so so happy that I am finally on the road I have dreamed about being on for most of my adult life.
I have come such a long ways, and I am so happy to see my life choices paying off for me finally. There was a time in my life when I believed I was worth nothing. I never used to dream for myself. I remember when even driving a car seemed like a far fetched dream. And look at me now.
I am happy, and hopeful for the future. I am going to start realizing what life is like being financially stable. I'm going to travel. I'm going to own my very own home with my very own money. I am going to be able to build up savings for me and my children's futures.
All in all, I strongly believe that my belief in my higher power has given me the strength to make changes in my life. I wanted to change for a really long time. I remember so badly wanting to have a normal life, back when I was dating a pretty normal guy. I just didn't fit into his normal world though, and it, of course, didn't work out. But I remember first getting a taste of the normal life, and it was then that the first seeds of hope for a future started to take root. I tried, on my own for a year after that, and got nowhere. I just couldn't stop myself from drinking and self destructing. It was like a more powerful force was in control of me.
The moment I cried out loud, to God, and asked HIM to take control of my life, that everything started changing. My outlook on life. My addictions. My ability to care for myself. EVERYTHING changed. It has been a wonderful 3 years. I am so happy right now, and super excited to see where God takes me next! Yay!
I learned that failing is ok and that it's not the end of the world. It simply means that business is not what I was meant to do. It may have been an expensive mistake, but again, it's not the end of the world.
Now that school is almost over I have gone to back to work. For now I'm working at my old job, but as of August, I will be working a new, high paying job in an office environment. I will get to wear suits to work, and have full benefits. I really am so so happy that I am finally on the road I have dreamed about being on for most of my adult life.
I have come such a long ways, and I am so happy to see my life choices paying off for me finally. There was a time in my life when I believed I was worth nothing. I never used to dream for myself. I remember when even driving a car seemed like a far fetched dream. And look at me now.
I am happy, and hopeful for the future. I am going to start realizing what life is like being financially stable. I'm going to travel. I'm going to own my very own home with my very own money. I am going to be able to build up savings for me and my children's futures.
All in all, I strongly believe that my belief in my higher power has given me the strength to make changes in my life. I wanted to change for a really long time. I remember so badly wanting to have a normal life, back when I was dating a pretty normal guy. I just didn't fit into his normal world though, and it, of course, didn't work out. But I remember first getting a taste of the normal life, and it was then that the first seeds of hope for a future started to take root. I tried, on my own for a year after that, and got nowhere. I just couldn't stop myself from drinking and self destructing. It was like a more powerful force was in control of me.
The moment I cried out loud, to God, and asked HIM to take control of my life, that everything started changing. My outlook on life. My addictions. My ability to care for myself. EVERYTHING changed. It has been a wonderful 3 years. I am so happy right now, and super excited to see where God takes me next! Yay!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
The Stress of .....life
Mid-terms sucked. I did pass math with a surprising 70%, but failed bitterly at accounting with only a 35%. I skipped school for 2 weeks after mid-terms, convinced that I was utter failure and hid in my appartment, watching daytime t.v, and stuffing my face.
Every night I went to bed, dissappointed and ashamed of myself. It was awful. Then last week I decided I couldn't handle myself anymore, and I went back to school. It kind of felt of good to get back, even though I had no idea what the teachers were teaching. But at least I am not giving up completely.
So what if I am not going to be an accountant? So what if I can't do math? So what if I fail these courses. At least I had the nerve to try something new.
I need a break from the books. I have started applying for office work. I am excited about finally making some money again. Student funding is not really enough to live on anymore, considering I have a new car and insurance payments. I just need a break, and need to get back to real life again.
On the bright side, I have been able to visit family and friends all over, since I got my car! I even went down to my dad's rez and meet my real family. A brother I didn't know about, and aunts and uncles.
This last month of school is going to tough. I have no desire to even go, but when I say I am going to do something, I do it.
So here I go, off to school.
BLEH.
Every night I went to bed, dissappointed and ashamed of myself. It was awful. Then last week I decided I couldn't handle myself anymore, and I went back to school. It kind of felt of good to get back, even though I had no idea what the teachers were teaching. But at least I am not giving up completely.
So what if I am not going to be an accountant? So what if I can't do math? So what if I fail these courses. At least I had the nerve to try something new.
I need a break from the books. I have started applying for office work. I am excited about finally making some money again. Student funding is not really enough to live on anymore, considering I have a new car and insurance payments. I just need a break, and need to get back to real life again.
On the bright side, I have been able to visit family and friends all over, since I got my car! I even went down to my dad's rez and meet my real family. A brother I didn't know about, and aunts and uncles.
This last month of school is going to tough. I have no desire to even go, but when I say I am going to do something, I do it.
So here I go, off to school.
BLEH.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Dear Me,
Dear Me,
I know your starting to give in to doubt. I know that your not sure if you are doing the right thing in school. I know it's hard. I know that you are wishing that you never started. But don't. Don't give up. Keep on going! Yes, it's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. Even if you just make it to the end if this term, you can be proud to know that you did it!
You need to remember that God is in control and He will never let you down. Even if you are going down the wrong path, He can turn it around for you. Good for you for at least going forward! There is a calling on your life. You are going to do some pretty cool things with your life. This is just the beginning. Don't quit and don't give up. I beg you not to give up and be all that God wants you to be.
Don't give in to fear or doubt. Don't sell yourself short.
You only have a month and a half left. You are already half ways through! You can do it. Spend more time in prayer. Ask for what you need. If you need strength, ask God for it! If you need dicipline, then yes, ask for that too. If you need more direction, THEN simply ask.
Take more moments to look back on your life and marvel in how far you have come in such a short time. You know that your God is responsible for that, and you know that He is not going to suddenly disown you. He will be your God forever. No matter what. You are His beloved child, and you have absolutely nothing to fear.
Keep going. You CAN do it.
Love you.
From Me
I know your starting to give in to doubt. I know that your not sure if you are doing the right thing in school. I know it's hard. I know that you are wishing that you never started. But don't. Don't give up. Keep on going! Yes, it's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. Even if you just make it to the end if this term, you can be proud to know that you did it!
You need to remember that God is in control and He will never let you down. Even if you are going down the wrong path, He can turn it around for you. Good for you for at least going forward! There is a calling on your life. You are going to do some pretty cool things with your life. This is just the beginning. Don't quit and don't give up. I beg you not to give up and be all that God wants you to be.
Don't give in to fear or doubt. Don't sell yourself short.
You only have a month and a half left. You are already half ways through! You can do it. Spend more time in prayer. Ask for what you need. If you need strength, ask God for it! If you need dicipline, then yes, ask for that too. If you need more direction, THEN simply ask.
Take more moments to look back on your life and marvel in how far you have come in such a short time. You know that your God is responsible for that, and you know that He is not going to suddenly disown you. He will be your God forever. No matter what. You are His beloved child, and you have absolutely nothing to fear.
Keep going. You CAN do it.
Love you.
From Me
Death Trip
So, I headed out to Athabasca this past weekend. It's mostly highway driving so I was going around 110 most of the way there. About halfways there, my steering became wobbly. So not cool. I am a new driver and it scared the heck out of me! When I finally got there I phoned up my mechanic friend to tell him about the steering, and he told me it was unsafe to drive like that!
I was already there, so then I got really scared about the drive back. That night I had a hard time falling asleep. I kept wondering if I was really going to die the next day. I found my camera, and took some pictures of me and my little daughter, just in case we DID die, and people would be able to see how much I adored her. I know I shouldn't have let my mind stay focused on such morbid thoughts, but I couldn't help myself.
I had nearly died 2or 3 times already during my life, when I was into a wilder lifestyle. One of those times I was stabbed. Those times were quite by surprise, and as I contemplated my life this time, I was a little surprised at how at peace I was with the thought. At least I know where I am going after I die, and that took the edge off. But I didn't want to die and leave a baby behind that might not remember how much I adored her.
Same with my other kids. I would want to live for a little while longer, just so they know how much I adore them too. They are pre teen boys though, and the love of their mother isn't high on the list of priorities.
I started to imagine my funeral. My little sister, of course, would give a tear-wrenching eulogy. She is such a talented writer, that I know she would have the whole funeral chapel in tears. I would expect that my closest friends would also want to get up there and tell people about the kind of person I am. I wonder if my funeral would be posted as an event on Facebook, so all my family and friends could attend?
I do have life insurance so I know it would be a lovely funeral, and my kids would be taken care of. Baby would have to go live in Montreal and become a french girl. I hope my friends and family will let her know how much I adored her.
My mind just kept going and going until finally I was tired of the wondering and waiting. I decided that whatever was going to happen would happen, and that God had everything under control.
Then I went to sleep.
I was already there, so then I got really scared about the drive back. That night I had a hard time falling asleep. I kept wondering if I was really going to die the next day. I found my camera, and took some pictures of me and my little daughter, just in case we DID die, and people would be able to see how much I adored her. I know I shouldn't have let my mind stay focused on such morbid thoughts, but I couldn't help myself.
I had nearly died 2or 3 times already during my life, when I was into a wilder lifestyle. One of those times I was stabbed. Those times were quite by surprise, and as I contemplated my life this time, I was a little surprised at how at peace I was with the thought. At least I know where I am going after I die, and that took the edge off. But I didn't want to die and leave a baby behind that might not remember how much I adored her.
Same with my other kids. I would want to live for a little while longer, just so they know how much I adore them too. They are pre teen boys though, and the love of their mother isn't high on the list of priorities.
I started to imagine my funeral. My little sister, of course, would give a tear-wrenching eulogy. She is such a talented writer, that I know she would have the whole funeral chapel in tears. I would expect that my closest friends would also want to get up there and tell people about the kind of person I am. I wonder if my funeral would be posted as an event on Facebook, so all my family and friends could attend?
I do have life insurance so I know it would be a lovely funeral, and my kids would be taken care of. Baby would have to go live in Montreal and become a french girl. I hope my friends and family will let her know how much I adored her.
My mind just kept going and going until finally I was tired of the wondering and waiting. I decided that whatever was going to happen would happen, and that God had everything under control.
Then I went to sleep.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
The Voice of God
Mid terms again. Oh boy. I am still struggling in Financial Math BUT I stayed up till midnight last night working on my assignments. Your allowed to do them over 3 times and the teacher will give you credit for the highest mark. So there I sat, calculating and sweating, only to find out that everytime I did the assignment I got exactly the same mark. Oh well. At least I tried, and at least I passed.
I did have a "EUREKA!" moment though. At midnight, as I sat in front of my text book and bawled, a thought suddenly entered my head. I tried. I tried really really hard. Now that I am living my life FOR God, my whole way of thinking has changed. I am going to school to be able get the skills I need to one day run a place that will help people get out of life situations that are not good. Homelessnesss, addiction, abuse. If God is the one who has placed this dream into my soul, the He will help me get there. I realized at midnight last night, that God is in control of my life. Because I have given Him permission to lead me in everything I do. My God has not failed me once yet. That same voice that I heard last night telling me it's ok because at least tried, is the same voice that told me to leave my old world behind 3 years ago. That voice has directed my life since then. It whispered to my soul that I should go to rehab. It encouraged me to go to school. It directed me to be wise with my money, and even opened doors for me to recieve grants and bursaries and scholorships, that I have been getting ever since I started my educational journey.
That same gentle loving voice was there when I had my baby. When I was going through labour in the hospital room alone, I knew I was NOT alone, because I could hear that voice telling me to breath, and to push. That voice was the same one that told me to go call my Nanny and Papa that day I was sitting in the alley, with nowhere to sleep. That little voice has been with me through thick and thin these past few years and has never let me down.
That voice encourages me throughout the day, in whatever I am doing. And that voice sometimes brings certain people to my mind so I can pray for them. It's amazing just how much God will come and be a part of your life, if you give Him permission to do so. In my case, I have given my heart, and my mind, and my life, and if you know me and follow my posts, you can see for yourself, that my life does nothing but improve for the better.
Anyways, enough chat for now. The voice is telling me I need to work on some school work!
I did have a "EUREKA!" moment though. At midnight, as I sat in front of my text book and bawled, a thought suddenly entered my head. I tried. I tried really really hard. Now that I am living my life FOR God, my whole way of thinking has changed. I am going to school to be able get the skills I need to one day run a place that will help people get out of life situations that are not good. Homelessnesss, addiction, abuse. If God is the one who has placed this dream into my soul, the He will help me get there. I realized at midnight last night, that God is in control of my life. Because I have given Him permission to lead me in everything I do. My God has not failed me once yet. That same voice that I heard last night telling me it's ok because at least tried, is the same voice that told me to leave my old world behind 3 years ago. That voice has directed my life since then. It whispered to my soul that I should go to rehab. It encouraged me to go to school. It directed me to be wise with my money, and even opened doors for me to recieve grants and bursaries and scholorships, that I have been getting ever since I started my educational journey.
That same gentle loving voice was there when I had my baby. When I was going through labour in the hospital room alone, I knew I was NOT alone, because I could hear that voice telling me to breath, and to push. That voice was the same one that told me to go call my Nanny and Papa that day I was sitting in the alley, with nowhere to sleep. That little voice has been with me through thick and thin these past few years and has never let me down.
That voice encourages me throughout the day, in whatever I am doing. And that voice sometimes brings certain people to my mind so I can pray for them. It's amazing just how much God will come and be a part of your life, if you give Him permission to do so. In my case, I have given my heart, and my mind, and my life, and if you know me and follow my posts, you can see for yourself, that my life does nothing but improve for the better.
Anyways, enough chat for now. The voice is telling me I need to work on some school work!
Monday, June 11, 2012
Good things Are Worth the Wait.
It still seems so surreal, being able to drive. I went and picked up my sons this weekend, for the first time, in my car. They, of course, being the little smart alec's they are, made fun of my poor beater, but as we started driving, they started complimenting me. "Wow, she's not as bad as I thought she'd be." said my one son. "Actually, she's pretty good." my other son replied. I felt a warm surge of pride in my heart, as my boys discussed my driving from the back seat.
We had a great weekend together, and I took them shopping and on sunday, to church. I drove them to go out for lunch, and then finally, I drove them home. Their dad came out to check out my new whells, and of course, did the guy thing, and looked under the hood. He instructed me on oil and brake fluid and sent me off to walmart to pick up supplies for the car, and then filled everything up for me. He even tried to fix my poor glove compartment, which hangs down, wide open, all the time. He stuck it back with duct tape, and offered to help me anytime I need maintenance with my beater. It was a great day.
Now that I have been driving for a few days, I'm starting to feel a little more comfortable. The car is a good car, except a few minor problems. The seat bealts don't work, and the seat doesn't adjust. Plus it's just all rickety in side. My real mechanic has offered to do a trade in for my car and give me one that's good to go. It's not as pretty as my current car, but it's all fixed up. So in 2 weeks I'll say goodbye to intrepid, and hello to a new Taurus. The taurus should last me a few years, and in the meanwhile I can save my money for any kind of car I really want.
This whole driving experience has really brought my life to a new level. I can't really explain how much more responsible and grown -up I feel. Up until now, it's like I've skipped a rite of passage that most young people do in their late teens and early 20's. Getting their own car. Now, at 33 years I am have finally reached that rite of passage and I feel so blessed and happy, and excited.
Good things are worth waiting for.
Next on the list : A Husband.
We had a great weekend together, and I took them shopping and on sunday, to church. I drove them to go out for lunch, and then finally, I drove them home. Their dad came out to check out my new whells, and of course, did the guy thing, and looked under the hood. He instructed me on oil and brake fluid and sent me off to walmart to pick up supplies for the car, and then filled everything up for me. He even tried to fix my poor glove compartment, which hangs down, wide open, all the time. He stuck it back with duct tape, and offered to help me anytime I need maintenance with my beater. It was a great day.
Now that I have been driving for a few days, I'm starting to feel a little more comfortable. The car is a good car, except a few minor problems. The seat bealts don't work, and the seat doesn't adjust. Plus it's just all rickety in side. My real mechanic has offered to do a trade in for my car and give me one that's good to go. It's not as pretty as my current car, but it's all fixed up. So in 2 weeks I'll say goodbye to intrepid, and hello to a new Taurus. The taurus should last me a few years, and in the meanwhile I can save my money for any kind of car I really want.
This whole driving experience has really brought my life to a new level. I can't really explain how much more responsible and grown -up I feel. Up until now, it's like I've skipped a rite of passage that most young people do in their late teens and early 20's. Getting their own car. Now, at 33 years I am have finally reached that rite of passage and I feel so blessed and happy, and excited.
Good things are worth waiting for.
Next on the list : A Husband.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
And then He smiled at me...
This morning, at school, I was so incredibly nervous and stressed out. I am behind in all my classes (yet again) and had my driving test this afternoon. Although I did take driving lessons I was still so nervous because ever since my last lesson, almost 3 weeks ago, I havn't even touched a car. So anyhoo...
I went in for my test today, and had to drive my instructors car, because mine isn't insured yet. It was an older, Mercedes Benz, and the gears and parking brakes and controls were vastly different from the car that I did my drivers training in. I was sweating bullets. Thank goodness that my instructor was easy going and made some nice small talk before we started the test, so I wasn't AS nervous when the test began. I pulled out and got a feeling for the car. The Benz has a really soft gas pedal so I had to find that sweet spot where your gassing and braking in a fluid like style. At first it was hard to find, and I lurched out onto the main road like a newbie, but quickly recovered at the next turn, and redeemed myself by making a totally smooth, right hand turn. Only 3 minutes into the test I was asked to do a parallel park, and my days of driving with my instructor came back to me like a warm flood. Step by step, I correctly and expertly eased his car perfectly behind a Gray minivan, and parked. My instructor praised me with a hearty, "Well Done!" and I tried not to let the compliment get to my head.
The rest of the driving test went really good and I was only warned once when I accidentally put on my right signal to pull out of a park, instead of my left. Oooopsie.
As we pulled back into the parking lot, my heart was racing. I parked his car, and watched him making marks on a clipboard. He finally looked over at me with a smile and simply said, "Yes."
"What?! Yes? You mean I passed?" I asked him excitedly.
"Yes. You passed!" he replied.
I lifted up my fists and shook them in the air in a victory arm shake, and whooped! "YES! $700 worth of driving lessons has paid off! YES!" And my instructor just laughed and then showed me my mistakes.
After I recieved my lisence, I started making my way towards the bus stop, and as I was walking, on this gray and rainy day, I remembered to thank my God for helping me reach this goal. I had spent the whole morning praying and asking Him to help me remember the rules of the road, and to guide me in my decisions, and I was amazed and happy that He came through for me. As I was walking I couldn't take the smile off of my face, and I looked up into the sky, where I always imagine God to be, and I whispered, "Thank you God. Thank you for helping do this." As I kept walking I could almost feel His presence with me, and I got a thought in the back of my mind.
I remembered the days when I first really started to believe in God, and would ask for things like rain for a farmer's field, or that I would catch a fish. Juvenile things I would ask for, just to see if God would answer. And the funny thing is, He would! I don't know why, but as you start growing in your Christian walk, asking for redicilous things doesn't occur to you anymore. For some reason you start thinking it's too childish to ask God to do silly things, just for you. But today, I caught myself wishing for God to make the sunshine peek out of from under all the gray clouds, just to let ME know that He's smiling at me. As soon as the childish thought entered my conscience, I quickly tried to push it out of my head, but right at that moment, guess what? The sun suddenly appeared, for a few brief moments, and shone down on me, like I was the only person here on earth. I immediately started crying tears of joy, as I knew in my own heart that THAT WAS GOD< smiling down on me PERSONALLY. I knew it was God. I knew He had me in His sights today. I know my God is real and alive.
I thank Him for moments like this when He makes you feel like you are the only person in the world and that He loves YOU. Amen and Praise the Lord.
What a fantastic day.
I went in for my test today, and had to drive my instructors car, because mine isn't insured yet. It was an older, Mercedes Benz, and the gears and parking brakes and controls were vastly different from the car that I did my drivers training in. I was sweating bullets. Thank goodness that my instructor was easy going and made some nice small talk before we started the test, so I wasn't AS nervous when the test began. I pulled out and got a feeling for the car. The Benz has a really soft gas pedal so I had to find that sweet spot where your gassing and braking in a fluid like style. At first it was hard to find, and I lurched out onto the main road like a newbie, but quickly recovered at the next turn, and redeemed myself by making a totally smooth, right hand turn. Only 3 minutes into the test I was asked to do a parallel park, and my days of driving with my instructor came back to me like a warm flood. Step by step, I correctly and expertly eased his car perfectly behind a Gray minivan, and parked. My instructor praised me with a hearty, "Well Done!" and I tried not to let the compliment get to my head.
The rest of the driving test went really good and I was only warned once when I accidentally put on my right signal to pull out of a park, instead of my left. Oooopsie.
As we pulled back into the parking lot, my heart was racing. I parked his car, and watched him making marks on a clipboard. He finally looked over at me with a smile and simply said, "Yes."
"What?! Yes? You mean I passed?" I asked him excitedly.
"Yes. You passed!" he replied.
I lifted up my fists and shook them in the air in a victory arm shake, and whooped! "YES! $700 worth of driving lessons has paid off! YES!" And my instructor just laughed and then showed me my mistakes.
After I recieved my lisence, I started making my way towards the bus stop, and as I was walking, on this gray and rainy day, I remembered to thank my God for helping me reach this goal. I had spent the whole morning praying and asking Him to help me remember the rules of the road, and to guide me in my decisions, and I was amazed and happy that He came through for me. As I was walking I couldn't take the smile off of my face, and I looked up into the sky, where I always imagine God to be, and I whispered, "Thank you God. Thank you for helping do this." As I kept walking I could almost feel His presence with me, and I got a thought in the back of my mind.
I remembered the days when I first really started to believe in God, and would ask for things like rain for a farmer's field, or that I would catch a fish. Juvenile things I would ask for, just to see if God would answer. And the funny thing is, He would! I don't know why, but as you start growing in your Christian walk, asking for redicilous things doesn't occur to you anymore. For some reason you start thinking it's too childish to ask God to do silly things, just for you. But today, I caught myself wishing for God to make the sunshine peek out of from under all the gray clouds, just to let ME know that He's smiling at me. As soon as the childish thought entered my conscience, I quickly tried to push it out of my head, but right at that moment, guess what? The sun suddenly appeared, for a few brief moments, and shone down on me, like I was the only person here on earth. I immediately started crying tears of joy, as I knew in my own heart that THAT WAS GOD< smiling down on me PERSONALLY. I knew it was God. I knew He had me in His sights today. I know my God is real and alive.
I thank Him for moments like this when He makes you feel like you are the only person in the world and that He loves YOU. Amen and Praise the Lord.
What a fantastic day.
Monday, May 28, 2012
A Brand New Day!
Wow. Was I ever depressed last night. It was awful. Just allowing my head to get filled up with doubts and fears. I was seriously almost in tears imagining the very worst that could have happened. All I know is that after I wrote my last post I saw my fears and insecurities right in front of me, in black and white, and was able to acknowledge them. It was so helpful. So helpful.
I know that I am well known for being the positive voice, and in times when I'm not feeling very positive, I almost feel lost. Anyhoo, I know for a fact that a friend of mine was praying for me last night/this morning, and when I got up, I felt really good. I felt positive again. I later checked my fb and found a message from my friend saying she had been thinking about me and praying for me, and more specifically, for my school. She's a student mom too, and understands how hard our life is juggling school and home and kids. Anyways, it was like a big nod from God Himself, saying "Hello my child. I know your struggling and I am here for you. I will help you. I will strengthen you." That's the kind of God I serve.
I have been so delighted today, as I have been catching up in my homework. I realized that I am not as far behind as I thought I was, and that I havn't even missed many assignments yet. I am still in good standing! Such a relief.
It's crazy how fear can INFECT the mind. Fear had me dreading my future. Fear had me scared of failing. Fear had me thinking the worst senerios ever. And in reality, things were not that awful. Praise the Lord, that He is with me, and that He see's when I am struggling. I can't imagine living a life all alone with no contact with God. I cannot imagine how lonely one must feel, to be all alone in the world. I don't ever want to go back to having no faith in anything.
These days are only doable because I KNOW I have a higher power leading me in different path. When I am lonely I pray. When I am scared, I pray. When I need help studying, I pray. When I need money, I pray. When I need work, I pray. When I need patience, I pray. I guess you could say I pray about everything. And my life shows it. This is the life of a praying woman who believes in God with all her heart. Only good things have come from praying.
Lovin' it.
I know that I am well known for being the positive voice, and in times when I'm not feeling very positive, I almost feel lost. Anyhoo, I know for a fact that a friend of mine was praying for me last night/this morning, and when I got up, I felt really good. I felt positive again. I later checked my fb and found a message from my friend saying she had been thinking about me and praying for me, and more specifically, for my school. She's a student mom too, and understands how hard our life is juggling school and home and kids. Anyways, it was like a big nod from God Himself, saying "Hello my child. I know your struggling and I am here for you. I will help you. I will strengthen you." That's the kind of God I serve.
I have been so delighted today, as I have been catching up in my homework. I realized that I am not as far behind as I thought I was, and that I havn't even missed many assignments yet. I am still in good standing! Such a relief.
It's crazy how fear can INFECT the mind. Fear had me dreading my future. Fear had me scared of failing. Fear had me thinking the worst senerios ever. And in reality, things were not that awful. Praise the Lord, that He is with me, and that He see's when I am struggling. I can't imagine living a life all alone with no contact with God. I cannot imagine how lonely one must feel, to be all alone in the world. I don't ever want to go back to having no faith in anything.
These days are only doable because I KNOW I have a higher power leading me in different path. When I am lonely I pray. When I am scared, I pray. When I need help studying, I pray. When I need money, I pray. When I need work, I pray. When I need patience, I pray. I guess you could say I pray about everything. And my life shows it. This is the life of a praying woman who believes in God with all her heart. Only good things have come from praying.
Lovin' it.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Failing University
O.k. Maybe this is the doubts I"M not supposed to have. I don't feel like I can share my doubts with many people, so I'll blog about it instead.
School is rough. Last term was a bit challenging, but this term is way worse. I am afraid of math. Like, deathly afraid. My career goal used to be to become a school teacher. I fit the profile perfectly. I aimed my post secondary schooling towards getting into an educational degree in University, that is until I had to upgrade my math. It was so hard. I had to drop to a lower level of math because I couldn't cut it in the higher levels. I ended up having to change my career goal, because I couldn't get the level of math I needed. So here I am, in Business school.
Now it's my second term, and I have to take the 2 classes I was hoping to avoid. Financial Math, and Accounting. It is SO hard. And University goes so so fast. I am having a hard time keeping up, and keeping track of my assignments and homework, and even though I always have homework to be done during the weekend, I simply cannot get any homework done with the baby around. I am starting to get really freaked out. I cannot fail. I can't. It would be too embarrassing, and it would total wreck any kind of self- worth and accomplishment that I have managed to build up in the past few years. I can feel myself sinking. I have high hopes for tomorrow, because it's my day off classes, so I am going to go to school anyways and try and get caught up.
Failing is NOT an option. I cannot go back to working for 13-15 dollars an hour. I cannot go back to doing something I don't enjoy. The whole reason for going to school is to be able to do something I will enjoy and get paid well for. I have so many dreams riding on the fact that I will be graduating with diploma's and certificates. I love the way my life is going. For the first time ever I have allowed myself to dream and hope for better things. I want to provide for my family, without depending on a man. I want to be able to apply for a mortgage, and buy a house. I want to be able to put my kids in music lessons. I want to be able to get lasik eye surgery so I don't have to wear ugly glasses for the rest of my life. I want so much out of life, and this is the first time I have actually done something to reach these kinds of goals.
I have come through so much so much in my life and I want to keep going. I have beat addiction, and homelessness and helplessness, and want to find out what life is like being NORMAL. I can't stand the thought of living my life out in poverty again. Living in poverty is AWFUL. It sucks not to have enough money to go for a nice haircut, or go on a trip. It sucks to not be able to buy the things you need for your house. I want so much but I am afraid I don't have what it takes to do good in school.
I guess this serves as my reality check. I really need to find a way to get through this term, and succeed. I need to remember why I am doing this, and most of all, I got to remember that I am a lot smarter than I give myself credit for. Tomorrow is the start of a brand new day, and I am going to go after this with all of my heart.
School is rough. Last term was a bit challenging, but this term is way worse. I am afraid of math. Like, deathly afraid. My career goal used to be to become a school teacher. I fit the profile perfectly. I aimed my post secondary schooling towards getting into an educational degree in University, that is until I had to upgrade my math. It was so hard. I had to drop to a lower level of math because I couldn't cut it in the higher levels. I ended up having to change my career goal, because I couldn't get the level of math I needed. So here I am, in Business school.
Now it's my second term, and I have to take the 2 classes I was hoping to avoid. Financial Math, and Accounting. It is SO hard. And University goes so so fast. I am having a hard time keeping up, and keeping track of my assignments and homework, and even though I always have homework to be done during the weekend, I simply cannot get any homework done with the baby around. I am starting to get really freaked out. I cannot fail. I can't. It would be too embarrassing, and it would total wreck any kind of self- worth and accomplishment that I have managed to build up in the past few years. I can feel myself sinking. I have high hopes for tomorrow, because it's my day off classes, so I am going to go to school anyways and try and get caught up.
Failing is NOT an option. I cannot go back to working for 13-15 dollars an hour. I cannot go back to doing something I don't enjoy. The whole reason for going to school is to be able to do something I will enjoy and get paid well for. I have so many dreams riding on the fact that I will be graduating with diploma's and certificates. I love the way my life is going. For the first time ever I have allowed myself to dream and hope for better things. I want to provide for my family, without depending on a man. I want to be able to apply for a mortgage, and buy a house. I want to be able to put my kids in music lessons. I want to be able to get lasik eye surgery so I don't have to wear ugly glasses for the rest of my life. I want so much out of life, and this is the first time I have actually done something to reach these kinds of goals.
I have come through so much so much in my life and I want to keep going. I have beat addiction, and homelessness and helplessness, and want to find out what life is like being NORMAL. I can't stand the thought of living my life out in poverty again. Living in poverty is AWFUL. It sucks not to have enough money to go for a nice haircut, or go on a trip. It sucks to not be able to buy the things you need for your house. I want so much but I am afraid I don't have what it takes to do good in school.
I guess this serves as my reality check. I really need to find a way to get through this term, and succeed. I need to remember why I am doing this, and most of all, I got to remember that I am a lot smarter than I give myself credit for. Tomorrow is the start of a brand new day, and I am going to go after this with all of my heart.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Success can be measured
Oh my gosh. How exciting. I was just reading through old posts and felt the need to update my status! I started driving lessons this month. It was really expensive but so worth the time and money. I will be taking my drivers test in a couple of weeks, and then be getting my car insured! I will finally be a GOOD driver. Driving lessons were kind of funny. My dad is a very agressive driver, and unfortuntaly I must have picked up on a couple of his bad habits, like gunning the gas when I see an orange light. My instructor chastised me for my agressive driving enough times now, that I am very aware of speeding. I can paraleel park like a pro, and have actually practiced driving in full-on rush hour too! I am so so excited to start driving next month, and just hope I can put a cap on my spending so I have enough money for my first insurance payment!
I already have my first road trip planned and I can't wait to start driving out to Athabasca and Barrhead to visit my family more often. Since I moved to the city I only see them 4 or 5 times a year, which is rediculous seeing as how they only live an hour and a half away. And driving to school is going to be HEAVEN. Right now I am having to be up by 5AM, so I can have me and Ray out the door by 6:30am, and at school by 8. With my lisence, it will only take 20 minutes to drive to school!! SO SO EXCITED!
This really has been a life long goal for me, driving. It feels like I am still a child in so many ways, not having a lisence. For my city family functions, they always have to make arrangements to come pick me up or drop me off and it makes me feel like such a loser. I am really really proud of myself for going after this dream with everything I got, and being almost there. It's an exciting time in my life.
As for school, this term is going a bit better than last term. I am taking much harder courses, but I have way more time to work on them. I spend all day at school, in the library, actually doing my home work. I have a really freat Financial Math teacher who gives free tutoring, so I am actually thinking, I just might be able to graduate with a high mark. As I approached this term, I knew that I wanted to do things better. Last term, near the end, I totally started slacking off, but thankfully, it didn't affect my marks.
During this last school break, I didn't work. I stayed home. Took Rayz to daycare, and enjoyed cleaning my house, and doing NOTHING! It was the best thing I had ever done, and by the time school started again, I felt refreshed.
Anyhoo, better go get my baby. I miss her chubby face.
I already have my first road trip planned and I can't wait to start driving out to Athabasca and Barrhead to visit my family more often. Since I moved to the city I only see them 4 or 5 times a year, which is rediculous seeing as how they only live an hour and a half away. And driving to school is going to be HEAVEN. Right now I am having to be up by 5AM, so I can have me and Ray out the door by 6:30am, and at school by 8. With my lisence, it will only take 20 minutes to drive to school!! SO SO EXCITED!
This really has been a life long goal for me, driving. It feels like I am still a child in so many ways, not having a lisence. For my city family functions, they always have to make arrangements to come pick me up or drop me off and it makes me feel like such a loser. I am really really proud of myself for going after this dream with everything I got, and being almost there. It's an exciting time in my life.
As for school, this term is going a bit better than last term. I am taking much harder courses, but I have way more time to work on them. I spend all day at school, in the library, actually doing my home work. I have a really freat Financial Math teacher who gives free tutoring, so I am actually thinking, I just might be able to graduate with a high mark. As I approached this term, I knew that I wanted to do things better. Last term, near the end, I totally started slacking off, but thankfully, it didn't affect my marks.
During this last school break, I didn't work. I stayed home. Took Rayz to daycare, and enjoyed cleaning my house, and doing NOTHING! It was the best thing I had ever done, and by the time school started again, I felt refreshed.
Anyhoo, better go get my baby. I miss her chubby face.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Booze Be Gone
I am so sick of this sea-saw. I am so mad, and disappointed, and sad all at the same time. My parents need help.
Alcoholism has been part of the family since even before I was born. My mom and dad are self proclaimed alcoholics. I had just gotten used to it, not really expecting anything to ever change. That was the way they were and that was it. I loved them any ways. No matter what. To tell you truth, I had never spent too much time with either of them when they were sober. Back in 2006 my mom was doing quite well, with her own appartment and furnishings. Her and her "ol man" at the time had finally moved out of the dive hotel they were living in, and had gotten themselves a nice place on the west end. Both of them had kind of calmed down, and wern't drinking heavily. Probably because there wasn't alot of extra money left after rent was paid, and bills were paid, but it was nice. I remember going to mom's house and drinking coffee, and smoking cigarettes, as we would take turns playing her old school Nintendo. I was wild back then and would always be out drinking with my friends and come home to pass out on her couch.
When my mom was sober, she was quieter than her usual bellering self. She was kind of nice. She was constantly cleaning and cooking and teasing her boyfriend. It was the best I had ever seen her. But eventually, the drive to drink and party starting coming back and fucking up her life. And down she fell. Rock bottom.
That was a long time ago, and now that she's living out of the city, I never see her. But I do her, when she calls. Although the phone calls have become less and less, I still cringe when I pick up a call from "Gamma". She's always drunk. Sometimes only a little bit, and sometimes rip roaring drunk. Swearing and crying. Oh boy.
As for my dad, I never expected him to change at all. My dad's been an alcoholic for all his life, and seem's quite happy. He's homeless, more times than not, and is the most popular guy in the inner city. A kind of skid-row celebrity. He's forever making jokes about anything and everything, and when he was on the street, he always had a crowd of friends following him where ever he went. I love my daddy dearly. When I got to rehab a couple years ago, I started thinking about him, wondering where he was. I had heard that a homeless man was found dead in a bus stop down town, and had a total panic attack. I was crying, and weeping, and praying and pleading with God to please not let it be daddy. It turned out to be a close friend of my fathers. His best friend. That experience shook me to the core, and I started praying for my dad regularly. It must have shook him to the core too, because shortly after that, my dad checked into a rehab centre, and stayed out there for a time. I found out when I saw his girlfriend one day, walking by my rehab centre. I asked her how my dad was doing and if she knew where he was. She gave me the number to where he was and a few months later, my dad was living down the street from where I was living.
Because I am a believer, I don't believe in accidents. I fully believe that there was a higher power at work here, and that God answered my prayers. For the first time in my life I got to know my REAL dad. I found out he was gentle, and still funny, and very caring. My dad was still a great guy when he was drinking, but I love love love the sober side of him way more. I have had the awesome experience of having dinner with him, and having normal conversations with him. We have taken the kids to the park together and he comes over for coffee all the time. He has even become Raya's very favourite babysitter, and really, the only male father figure in her life. I adore my dad. He's been sober for 2 years now, but falls off the wagon every now and then.
Today was one of those days. It makes me so sad to see him drunk now. It's like my sober daddy is gone, and replaced with this sloppy mess of a man. He's a shell. I hate it. I know he'll be ok, but it's just frustrating that he goes back to that bottle every time. Last time he slipped off the wagon, he ended up breaking his ribs and falling asleep in my dumpster. I accidentally found him when I went to take my garbage out and threw it on him.
I am praying for both my parents tonight. I used to be a fall down drunk too. I really was. There was a time when I thought if I died, I had better at least be drunk and happy when I passed. And then it almost really happened, and my perspective started to change. I called out to God to save me from myself and He listened. This time I am making that same call, on behalf of my parents.
Alcoholism has been part of the family since even before I was born. My mom and dad are self proclaimed alcoholics. I had just gotten used to it, not really expecting anything to ever change. That was the way they were and that was it. I loved them any ways. No matter what. To tell you truth, I had never spent too much time with either of them when they were sober. Back in 2006 my mom was doing quite well, with her own appartment and furnishings. Her and her "ol man" at the time had finally moved out of the dive hotel they were living in, and had gotten themselves a nice place on the west end. Both of them had kind of calmed down, and wern't drinking heavily. Probably because there wasn't alot of extra money left after rent was paid, and bills were paid, but it was nice. I remember going to mom's house and drinking coffee, and smoking cigarettes, as we would take turns playing her old school Nintendo. I was wild back then and would always be out drinking with my friends and come home to pass out on her couch.
When my mom was sober, she was quieter than her usual bellering self. She was kind of nice. She was constantly cleaning and cooking and teasing her boyfriend. It was the best I had ever seen her. But eventually, the drive to drink and party starting coming back and fucking up her life. And down she fell. Rock bottom.
That was a long time ago, and now that she's living out of the city, I never see her. But I do her, when she calls. Although the phone calls have become less and less, I still cringe when I pick up a call from "Gamma". She's always drunk. Sometimes only a little bit, and sometimes rip roaring drunk. Swearing and crying. Oh boy.
As for my dad, I never expected him to change at all. My dad's been an alcoholic for all his life, and seem's quite happy. He's homeless, more times than not, and is the most popular guy in the inner city. A kind of skid-row celebrity. He's forever making jokes about anything and everything, and when he was on the street, he always had a crowd of friends following him where ever he went. I love my daddy dearly. When I got to rehab a couple years ago, I started thinking about him, wondering where he was. I had heard that a homeless man was found dead in a bus stop down town, and had a total panic attack. I was crying, and weeping, and praying and pleading with God to please not let it be daddy. It turned out to be a close friend of my fathers. His best friend. That experience shook me to the core, and I started praying for my dad regularly. It must have shook him to the core too, because shortly after that, my dad checked into a rehab centre, and stayed out there for a time. I found out when I saw his girlfriend one day, walking by my rehab centre. I asked her how my dad was doing and if she knew where he was. She gave me the number to where he was and a few months later, my dad was living down the street from where I was living.
Because I am a believer, I don't believe in accidents. I fully believe that there was a higher power at work here, and that God answered my prayers. For the first time in my life I got to know my REAL dad. I found out he was gentle, and still funny, and very caring. My dad was still a great guy when he was drinking, but I love love love the sober side of him way more. I have had the awesome experience of having dinner with him, and having normal conversations with him. We have taken the kids to the park together and he comes over for coffee all the time. He has even become Raya's very favourite babysitter, and really, the only male father figure in her life. I adore my dad. He's been sober for 2 years now, but falls off the wagon every now and then.
Today was one of those days. It makes me so sad to see him drunk now. It's like my sober daddy is gone, and replaced with this sloppy mess of a man. He's a shell. I hate it. I know he'll be ok, but it's just frustrating that he goes back to that bottle every time. Last time he slipped off the wagon, he ended up breaking his ribs and falling asleep in my dumpster. I accidentally found him when I went to take my garbage out and threw it on him.
I am praying for both my parents tonight. I used to be a fall down drunk too. I really was. There was a time when I thought if I died, I had better at least be drunk and happy when I passed. And then it almost really happened, and my perspective started to change. I called out to God to save me from myself and He listened. This time I am making that same call, on behalf of my parents.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Spring Cleaning
I should have taken my girl to daycare today. I wanted so badly to get things done around the house, and she makes it next to impossible to do anything. Ah well. It's too late now. Even as I write this I am eyeballing my kitchen shelves, knowing that when I'm done, I will have a garbage bag full of old "treasures" to throw away. I wouldn't call myself a hoarder, but I sometimes wonder why I keep every single piece of junk that someone gives me. It's like my baby's blankets. Before and right after I had her, people started showering me with baby blankets and stuffed animals, so now, when it time to de-clutter my linen closets and toyboxes, I still have a ton left over, because I feel guilty for giving away peoples presents.
It's funny that when your just starting out, like I was back in September, people give you the oddest things. Little ornaments, and fake plants, etc. Things I normally would never have bought myself suddenly have become these weird "treasures" in my home. Well, I live in a very tiny appartment and there is absolutly no room for extra treasures anymore. I am starting to feel calastraphobic in my own home, and I must do something before next term begins. I found that this last semester I was easily distracted from my studies to clean and organize constantly. I envy those minimilast homes where there is no clutter anywhere. Never do you see piles of papers, and mail strewn across the clean glass table tops, or hundreds of my little pony's peeking out of every couch cushion.
I still have boxes that havn't been unpacked in my bedroom closet, and I'm starting to wonder if I really need anything in those boxes. I don't seem to have needed anything in them yet, and I have living here for a good 8 months. I can't wait to get started. It will be like a boulder being lifted off my shoulders to get my place in order. In between school, and working, I havn't had the time or energy to get this imporatnt task done yet.
Oh, by the way. I totally rocked my Management final exam. 93%. Surprised even myself.
It's funny that when your just starting out, like I was back in September, people give you the oddest things. Little ornaments, and fake plants, etc. Things I normally would never have bought myself suddenly have become these weird "treasures" in my home. Well, I live in a very tiny appartment and there is absolutly no room for extra treasures anymore. I am starting to feel calastraphobic in my own home, and I must do something before next term begins. I found that this last semester I was easily distracted from my studies to clean and organize constantly. I envy those minimilast homes where there is no clutter anywhere. Never do you see piles of papers, and mail strewn across the clean glass table tops, or hundreds of my little pony's peeking out of every couch cushion.
I still have boxes that havn't been unpacked in my bedroom closet, and I'm starting to wonder if I really need anything in those boxes. I don't seem to have needed anything in them yet, and I have living here for a good 8 months. I can't wait to get started. It will be like a boulder being lifted off my shoulders to get my place in order. In between school, and working, I havn't had the time or energy to get this imporatnt task done yet.
Oh, by the way. I totally rocked my Management final exam. 93%. Surprised even myself.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
The Real Test
So, as you all know, I have been going to University since Jamuary. This term is almost over and I couldn't be happier. Although I do feel very blessed to have second chance at an education, and I am extremely grateful to my community for supporting me financially, I will admit to you that school is probably the hardest, and tortuous experience I have had. It's hard.
The next two weeks, I will be measured on just how much I have actually learned, and find out how I measure up. I am not afraid. Just relieved to find out, once and for all, if school is my thing. I would LOVE to be able to start working in my chosen feild and skip the whole school thing, but unfortualtly I need a little piece of paper to get the good jobs.
I pray that I do well in my exams and that the desire to learn would once again fill me up, and motivate me to become competitive in the classroom again. I just feel so burnt out right now. Like my energy level is not enough to get my butt to school.
First Final is tomorrow. Computers. I know I am going to ace it. I am a computer wizard. Always have been.
Thursday is my Management Final. I'm a little nervous but feel confident I will pass. Oh Lord. I can't for this to be over. Can;'t wait to have some time off to recooperate, and relax. I have had a very busy 2 1/2 years already, and I'm ready for a break.
The next two weeks, I will be measured on just how much I have actually learned, and find out how I measure up. I am not afraid. Just relieved to find out, once and for all, if school is my thing. I would LOVE to be able to start working in my chosen feild and skip the whole school thing, but unfortualtly I need a little piece of paper to get the good jobs.
I pray that I do well in my exams and that the desire to learn would once again fill me up, and motivate me to become competitive in the classroom again. I just feel so burnt out right now. Like my energy level is not enough to get my butt to school.
First Final is tomorrow. Computers. I know I am going to ace it. I am a computer wizard. Always have been.
Thursday is my Management Final. I'm a little nervous but feel confident I will pass. Oh Lord. I can't for this to be over. Can;'t wait to have some time off to recooperate, and relax. I have had a very busy 2 1/2 years already, and I'm ready for a break.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Letters to Raya
Some of my life's greatest joys are when I hear stories of what I was like when I was little. My Nanny is the greatest at theses stories. I love hearing about the things I have forgotten about, and the things I remember. I enjoy hearing her first memory of us when we first came into her life. About how I was so protective of my little sister, and always made sure she was served first, before me. These are the kind of memories that make me go, "Awww...really? I was so cute wasn't I?"
I have been thinking for the past few months some dreadfully morbid thought. I don't know why. Perhaps because in this past year, both my Grandparents have died, and my step-father, and maybe death is on the brain. Anyways, I've been thinking that I want Raya to have those same kind of stories about herself, so today I started a folder, in my red laptop, named "Letters to Raya". As often as I think about it, I will fill this folder up with little stories, describing to Raya what she was like when she was 2. When she gets older I will give her a flash drive full of these letters, that she can read, and know just how important she was and still is to be.
My dad likes to tell me stories about myself too, but my dad was a full fledged alcoholic when I was a baby, and although it's cute., he tells me the same stories over and over again. The time I beat the little white girl up. The time we went to radway for christmas and I helped him chop wood. The time he kidnapped me and took me to the rez, and his relatives did "Indian Medicine" on me, the time I ran away on my tricycle and I was found peddling my way to barrhead, on the highway. Even though I've heard these stories time and time again, I still love the sparkle my dad gets in his eye, when he tells me these stories. Its like he remembers them like they were yesterday. Praise the Lord my dad is sober now and we can make new memories.
This morning Raya taught me a good lesson in parenting. As I ran around my apartment like chicken with my head cut off, she came up to be and demanded that I pick her up. Then, she snuggled into my chest and started slurping on her fingers and didn't move for 20 minutes. I'll admit that first few minutes I had my eye on the clock, but then it slowly started to dawn on me that she NEEDED to feel loved by me. So I sat, silently, and rocked her back and forth. She just laid there on my chest, so content. We did that close to half an hour, until she was ready to be put down. When she was ready, I called a cab and took her to daycare. It was worth it.
I wrote her a letter, thanking her for making me into a better person. She does this daily. She truly has been such a changing force in my life, and I hardly recognize myself, from who I used to be.
How can it be, that such an angry, hard, and insecure individual has changed into this shining, bright, motivated, successful human being? How is possible? Only through the grace of God Himself, can this happen. One of His greatest gifts to me has been our little Raya. He knew who she was before He sent her to me, and I am amazed at how such a tiny little person has changed who I thought I was. Amazing.
I have been thinking for the past few months some dreadfully morbid thought. I don't know why. Perhaps because in this past year, both my Grandparents have died, and my step-father, and maybe death is on the brain. Anyways, I've been thinking that I want Raya to have those same kind of stories about herself, so today I started a folder, in my red laptop, named "Letters to Raya". As often as I think about it, I will fill this folder up with little stories, describing to Raya what she was like when she was 2. When she gets older I will give her a flash drive full of these letters, that she can read, and know just how important she was and still is to be.
My dad likes to tell me stories about myself too, but my dad was a full fledged alcoholic when I was a baby, and although it's cute., he tells me the same stories over and over again. The time I beat the little white girl up. The time we went to radway for christmas and I helped him chop wood. The time he kidnapped me and took me to the rez, and his relatives did "Indian Medicine" on me, the time I ran away on my tricycle and I was found peddling my way to barrhead, on the highway. Even though I've heard these stories time and time again, I still love the sparkle my dad gets in his eye, when he tells me these stories. Its like he remembers them like they were yesterday. Praise the Lord my dad is sober now and we can make new memories.
This morning Raya taught me a good lesson in parenting. As I ran around my apartment like chicken with my head cut off, she came up to be and demanded that I pick her up. Then, she snuggled into my chest and started slurping on her fingers and didn't move for 20 minutes. I'll admit that first few minutes I had my eye on the clock, but then it slowly started to dawn on me that she NEEDED to feel loved by me. So I sat, silently, and rocked her back and forth. She just laid there on my chest, so content. We did that close to half an hour, until she was ready to be put down. When she was ready, I called a cab and took her to daycare. It was worth it.
I wrote her a letter, thanking her for making me into a better person. She does this daily. She truly has been such a changing force in my life, and I hardly recognize myself, from who I used to be.
How can it be, that such an angry, hard, and insecure individual has changed into this shining, bright, motivated, successful human being? How is possible? Only through the grace of God Himself, can this happen. One of His greatest gifts to me has been our little Raya. He knew who she was before He sent her to me, and I am amazed at how such a tiny little person has changed who I thought I was. Amazing.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Life Direction
Something weird happened when I started going to school. Suddenly I started dreaming about possible future careers and actually started thinking that I could manage University. It's been a rewarding experience, but also so confusing. I have, many times, been stuck between doing things I feel like I SHOULD do, and between things I know I WANT to do.
Also, my reasons for doing certain courses have been...different. If I am allowing myself to be completly honest with myself, during this blog, my first admission will be that I am in the Management Program because *cringe* I wanna be the boss. I want to be the one in charge, one day. *cringe again* I want to be prepared to take charge of whereever I end up working, and want to be prepared for my upcoming promotions. Phew! Now that that's outta the way...
Management is very, very dry, but I do feel better prepared to take on managerial jobs should the position ever come up. Oh my gosh, I am just laughing in my head right now, as I think about myself sometime in the future, reading back on all my thoughts, and remembering how very sure I am that I will, in fact get promoted, whereever I go. Hmm..
As for my real passion in life, I just want to help people. I have had a very "interesting" life, and have had to depend on people in the Human Services feild, quite often, and have probably had more bad experiences with social workers, that good ones. When I think of a social worker, I think of those old, worn out ladies in the welfare office, who have a checklist in front of them, and sit there, with permanent frowns on their faces and go down the list. Why do you need help. Why can't you work. Where is your government issued picture I.D. Where is your signed rent report? They always make you feel like you shoudn't even be there, askihg for help. They secretly jidge and condemn you the moment you step into cubicle. I've never wanted to be one of them. I probably won't be one of them. Please God, don't make me one of them.
But as for helping people, I read the career description for Social Work, and knew that that's where I want to be. I want to be able to point people in the right direction when they are looking for help, and life changes. I want to be able to help them find food, and housing and other basic needs. I also want to help epople start realizing their true potential and open the doors to help people strt dreaming again.
I know whats it like to feel stuck. I know what it's like to feel like the whole world has given up on you. I know what it feels like to not have any control over your actions. I know what it feels like to be in an abusive relationship. I know what it's like to WANT to get help, but have no idea where to turn. I have so much life experience that I think social work is what I was meant to be.
As my confidence grows in my life direction, the pressure to perform slowly starts to fade away. I am doing this for ME. Not to impress others with a mighty title. I am doing this because I need to do something with my life, that matters. I need to get out there and share my experiences with people, so that they know that it is possible to change. It is possible to grow. It is possible to become one of those annoyingly happy, and successful people that you see on the news every now and then, sharing their incredible success story. It is possible.
I am still working on my success story. I do have quite alot in my story already. I have alot of people rooting for me, nd supporting me, and believeing in me, and I canb't tell you what a difference that makes in my life. A HIGE difference. I am excited to start doing some of those same things for others.
With God by my side, and faith that He will do the leading in my life, even the best scenerio I can think of won't even to compare to the life He has in store for me. Its a very exciting time to be me.
Also, my reasons for doing certain courses have been...different. If I am allowing myself to be completly honest with myself, during this blog, my first admission will be that I am in the Management Program because *cringe* I wanna be the boss. I want to be the one in charge, one day. *cringe again* I want to be prepared to take charge of whereever I end up working, and want to be prepared for my upcoming promotions. Phew! Now that that's outta the way...
Management is very, very dry, but I do feel better prepared to take on managerial jobs should the position ever come up. Oh my gosh, I am just laughing in my head right now, as I think about myself sometime in the future, reading back on all my thoughts, and remembering how very sure I am that I will, in fact get promoted, whereever I go. Hmm..
As for my real passion in life, I just want to help people. I have had a very "interesting" life, and have had to depend on people in the Human Services feild, quite often, and have probably had more bad experiences with social workers, that good ones. When I think of a social worker, I think of those old, worn out ladies in the welfare office, who have a checklist in front of them, and sit there, with permanent frowns on their faces and go down the list. Why do you need help. Why can't you work. Where is your government issued picture I.D. Where is your signed rent report? They always make you feel like you shoudn't even be there, askihg for help. They secretly jidge and condemn you the moment you step into cubicle. I've never wanted to be one of them. I probably won't be one of them. Please God, don't make me one of them.
But as for helping people, I read the career description for Social Work, and knew that that's where I want to be. I want to be able to point people in the right direction when they are looking for help, and life changes. I want to be able to help them find food, and housing and other basic needs. I also want to help epople start realizing their true potential and open the doors to help people strt dreaming again.
I know whats it like to feel stuck. I know what it's like to feel like the whole world has given up on you. I know what it feels like to not have any control over your actions. I know what it feels like to be in an abusive relationship. I know what it's like to WANT to get help, but have no idea where to turn. I have so much life experience that I think social work is what I was meant to be.
As my confidence grows in my life direction, the pressure to perform slowly starts to fade away. I am doing this for ME. Not to impress others with a mighty title. I am doing this because I need to do something with my life, that matters. I need to get out there and share my experiences with people, so that they know that it is possible to change. It is possible to grow. It is possible to become one of those annoyingly happy, and successful people that you see on the news every now and then, sharing their incredible success story. It is possible.
I am still working on my success story. I do have quite alot in my story already. I have alot of people rooting for me, nd supporting me, and believeing in me, and I canb't tell you what a difference that makes in my life. A HIGE difference. I am excited to start doing some of those same things for others.
With God by my side, and faith that He will do the leading in my life, even the best scenerio I can think of won't even to compare to the life He has in store for me. Its a very exciting time to be me.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Baggy Pants?
My smallest pair of jeans are getting really baggy! So exciting! I have also started to make some healthier lifestyle changes, so I feel I am, in fact, coming closer and closer to reaching my goal! Fitness and eating right. Paying off? Yes. Yes, I think it is!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
In a School Daze
So, just to make it clear, University Studies is nothing like upgrading. There is alot self teaching in University. There is tons of homework. And there is alot riding on me passing. I have to pass all these courses befor I can begin next term. Oh why! Oh why! Did I get so behind?! And why?Oh why? Am I having a hard time staying interested in this?
I know I dont have many options. I HAVE to finish what I started. Not only is school my only source of income right now, but I know if I quit I will sent tumbling into a spiral of shame and self doubt, and I will have ahard time believeing in myself again. This is such a challenging time of my life.
I seriously need a good slap in the face.
I am not allowing myself to think the worst. It goes against my religion.
I had better just get to school everyday from now on, no matter how comfy and warm my bed is. It's not like I ever really get to sleep in anyways. Not with Ray waking up automatically by 8am everyday. And then it's not enough that she's up, she HAS to crawl into my bed and sit on my head, to make sure I get up with her so I can watch her color and throw balls around the livingroom, and unravel rolls of toliet paper around my used to be clean appartment. With all this snowfall we've had, I am tired even before I walk out the door, knowing I'll have to navigate her HUGE ASS stroller through the snow and ice just to get to daycare, and then have to tranfer to 3 different busses to get to school because I havn't been able to afford to take driving lessons yet, and I am already a 33 year old woman.
But then, when I finally DO arrive at school, I love it there. I sit in the front row of each class, and volunteer my answers to my teachers. And I chill in the library with my new red laptop, and catch up on homework, or look for interesting DVD's to check out, or update my facebook status to something real nerdy. I wave at all the people that I pass by, who are in my classes, and pretend I know their names(which I don't. I'm terrible with names) and I stop by the store to see if there is anything else I could possibly buy that has the name of my school on it.
One day, I will look back on these school days, as THEE DAYS. Just like when I finally moved out of Rehab. While I was there it seemed so boring. But now, looking back, I'm a thinking ..wow. That was awesome. Just had so much time to relax, and chill, and work on myself, and only myself. Had so much time to make scripture cards. Had so much time to read my bible, and take part in bible studies. I miss those days. Thoses were the days, man. Now I feel like I am being pulled in every direction, not sure exactly where I am going, or what I am doing. Not sure where my furture is gonna lead. Not sure if I chose the right carreer. In fact, really thinking I chose wrong. Hoping it's right. But thinking it's wrong. Hoping God can turn this mistake into another miracle, like He always seems to do. Hoping, hoping, hoping.
Real life sucks man. This is way harder than drinking my life away. Way harder. I know it's gonna be worth it in the end though. It has to be.
I know I dont have many options. I HAVE to finish what I started. Not only is school my only source of income right now, but I know if I quit I will sent tumbling into a spiral of shame and self doubt, and I will have ahard time believeing in myself again. This is such a challenging time of my life.
I seriously need a good slap in the face.
I am not allowing myself to think the worst. It goes against my religion.
I had better just get to school everyday from now on, no matter how comfy and warm my bed is. It's not like I ever really get to sleep in anyways. Not with Ray waking up automatically by 8am everyday. And then it's not enough that she's up, she HAS to crawl into my bed and sit on my head, to make sure I get up with her so I can watch her color and throw balls around the livingroom, and unravel rolls of toliet paper around my used to be clean appartment. With all this snowfall we've had, I am tired even before I walk out the door, knowing I'll have to navigate her HUGE ASS stroller through the snow and ice just to get to daycare, and then have to tranfer to 3 different busses to get to school because I havn't been able to afford to take driving lessons yet, and I am already a 33 year old woman.
But then, when I finally DO arrive at school, I love it there. I sit in the front row of each class, and volunteer my answers to my teachers. And I chill in the library with my new red laptop, and catch up on homework, or look for interesting DVD's to check out, or update my facebook status to something real nerdy. I wave at all the people that I pass by, who are in my classes, and pretend I know their names(which I don't. I'm terrible with names) and I stop by the store to see if there is anything else I could possibly buy that has the name of my school on it.
One day, I will look back on these school days, as THEE DAYS. Just like when I finally moved out of Rehab. While I was there it seemed so boring. But now, looking back, I'm a thinking ..wow. That was awesome. Just had so much time to relax, and chill, and work on myself, and only myself. Had so much time to make scripture cards. Had so much time to read my bible, and take part in bible studies. I miss those days. Thoses were the days, man. Now I feel like I am being pulled in every direction, not sure exactly where I am going, or what I am doing. Not sure where my furture is gonna lead. Not sure if I chose the right carreer. In fact, really thinking I chose wrong. Hoping it's right. But thinking it's wrong. Hoping God can turn this mistake into another miracle, like He always seems to do. Hoping, hoping, hoping.
Real life sucks man. This is way harder than drinking my life away. Way harder. I know it's gonna be worth it in the end though. It has to be.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
My 5 minute presentation on Homelessness
Hi! My name is Chris Gail and Iam a 33 year old student here, in the Business Program. As some of you may know, one of my goals when I finish this program is to be able to run a homeless shelter. It's not because I am this great person, who can be compared to Mother Theresa. It's not because I have extremely high morals and that I want to save the world either. The truth of the matter is that I want to help the homeless because, I, myself, was once there.
Back in 2009, my life was quite different from what it is today. The summer of 2009, you would have found me in the downtown core, trying to survive. My life had lost meaning and purpose, and I found myself on the streets, here in this city. You would be surprised at the kind of people I met down there. People like me. Just normal human beings who had gone through different struggles in life, and had found themselves homeless. They wern't born homeless.
Among those that I met was a man in his 50's. His wife had divorced him due to his alcohol problem, and had kicked him out. He was a nice man. I always felt like he didn't belone out there. He was too nice, and was taken advantage of too many times. He had a nice house on the northside that was bought and paid for, and his wife lived there. He, however, slept on an old matress, in the back alley, covered up with an old piece of carpet.
Another man I met I met out there had been on the streets for years. It was like he was used to it. Same ol, same ol. He was terminally ill, and knew he was dying. He had a great sense of humor and was always willing to share what little he had, wherther that be smokes, food or beer. He visited his sick wife in the hospital everyday, and even though he tried to put up a brave front, I remember a few times when he would sit in that back alley, with a far away look in his eyes, and you could just tell that his heart was breaking a little bit more. Even if she did get better, they didn't have anywhere to go. The streets WAS home.
As the summer started to come to an end, and september approached, it started to get really really cold outside. The wind started blowing right through us, and staying outside all day was no longer an option. It was just too cold. Luckily there were a few organizations downtown that opened their doors to the homeless, so we could warm up. Anyways, that was a turning point in my life. I just couldn't do it anymore. I was worn out, and worn down, and tired of that life.
Fortunately for me, I had family to turn to. I hadn't talked to them for years because I didn't want to make them worry, but that day, I knew they would be my way out. And so I made that life changing call home.
Thats the day I left homeless life behind me. These last 3 years have been wonderful. I have been so fortunate to start experienceing a new quality of life!I am now a mother. I have an adorable 2 year old girl. I am a successful student. I have doing studeis for 2 years now! I now live in a 2 bedroom appartment complete with a memory foam pillow top matress! I have come a long ways. No matter how many good things I've experienced since that time in my life, living on the streets in an experience I can never forget. It changed my perspective and it's one of those thigs that some people never escape!
I am blessed that I got out. Now that my life is on the right track, I feel the need to try and help. My life used to mean nothing and I know how those people feel. I've felt the defeat, and hopelessness. I know what it feels like to believe your worthless. Its not a nice feeling. And it's not true. Nobody is worthless. Every human being has value. I would like to be involved in a place where hope can be introduced or even restored, to those who have lost it, or may have never experienced hope before. I am hoping that by the time I finish my diploma in Business I will have the skills and confidence to run a place that gives homeless people a new start in life. I was lucky to have my Nickel family. They supported me (financially, spiritually and emotionally) and encouraged me to try something new. I would like to have that opportunity to help others the way I was helped.
For now, I must remain focused on my studies, but I am taking all donations of blankets for the homeless. Like I said, it's cold out there. I am currently volunteering at a place that helps the less fortunate because it remains a cause that is close to my heart. I have seen old friends and family members down there and they need blankets. So please, if you have an extra blanket sitting around at home, bring it in and give it to me, so I can make sure that someone who needs it, gets it!
Homeless people are human beings. And the reson I shared my story with you is because I want you to remember , the next time you see someone less fortunate, is that they are someones sister, someones dad, they are someone's husband or wife. Who know's why they are there? Could be addiction, depression, or maybe it's just their way of life. Whatever the reson may be, bottom line is that thay are a human being. Just like me. Thank you for listening.
Back in 2009, my life was quite different from what it is today. The summer of 2009, you would have found me in the downtown core, trying to survive. My life had lost meaning and purpose, and I found myself on the streets, here in this city. You would be surprised at the kind of people I met down there. People like me. Just normal human beings who had gone through different struggles in life, and had found themselves homeless. They wern't born homeless.
Among those that I met was a man in his 50's. His wife had divorced him due to his alcohol problem, and had kicked him out. He was a nice man. I always felt like he didn't belone out there. He was too nice, and was taken advantage of too many times. He had a nice house on the northside that was bought and paid for, and his wife lived there. He, however, slept on an old matress, in the back alley, covered up with an old piece of carpet.
Another man I met I met out there had been on the streets for years. It was like he was used to it. Same ol, same ol. He was terminally ill, and knew he was dying. He had a great sense of humor and was always willing to share what little he had, wherther that be smokes, food or beer. He visited his sick wife in the hospital everyday, and even though he tried to put up a brave front, I remember a few times when he would sit in that back alley, with a far away look in his eyes, and you could just tell that his heart was breaking a little bit more. Even if she did get better, they didn't have anywhere to go. The streets WAS home.
As the summer started to come to an end, and september approached, it started to get really really cold outside. The wind started blowing right through us, and staying outside all day was no longer an option. It was just too cold. Luckily there were a few organizations downtown that opened their doors to the homeless, so we could warm up. Anyways, that was a turning point in my life. I just couldn't do it anymore. I was worn out, and worn down, and tired of that life.
Fortunately for me, I had family to turn to. I hadn't talked to them for years because I didn't want to make them worry, but that day, I knew they would be my way out. And so I made that life changing call home.
Thats the day I left homeless life behind me. These last 3 years have been wonderful. I have been so fortunate to start experienceing a new quality of life!I am now a mother. I have an adorable 2 year old girl. I am a successful student. I have doing studeis for 2 years now! I now live in a 2 bedroom appartment complete with a memory foam pillow top matress! I have come a long ways. No matter how many good things I've experienced since that time in my life, living on the streets in an experience I can never forget. It changed my perspective and it's one of those thigs that some people never escape!
I am blessed that I got out. Now that my life is on the right track, I feel the need to try and help. My life used to mean nothing and I know how those people feel. I've felt the defeat, and hopelessness. I know what it feels like to believe your worthless. Its not a nice feeling. And it's not true. Nobody is worthless. Every human being has value. I would like to be involved in a place where hope can be introduced or even restored, to those who have lost it, or may have never experienced hope before. I am hoping that by the time I finish my diploma in Business I will have the skills and confidence to run a place that gives homeless people a new start in life. I was lucky to have my Nickel family. They supported me (financially, spiritually and emotionally) and encouraged me to try something new. I would like to have that opportunity to help others the way I was helped.
For now, I must remain focused on my studies, but I am taking all donations of blankets for the homeless. Like I said, it's cold out there. I am currently volunteering at a place that helps the less fortunate because it remains a cause that is close to my heart. I have seen old friends and family members down there and they need blankets. So please, if you have an extra blanket sitting around at home, bring it in and give it to me, so I can make sure that someone who needs it, gets it!
Homeless people are human beings. And the reson I shared my story with you is because I want you to remember , the next time you see someone less fortunate, is that they are someones sister, someones dad, they are someone's husband or wife. Who know's why they are there? Could be addiction, depression, or maybe it's just their way of life. Whatever the reson may be, bottom line is that thay are a human being. Just like me. Thank you for listening.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Mommy Dearest
You know what? I'm kinda scared for my mom. You see, my dad just died, and now she's alone. I know she's feeling lonely, cuz she has called me and told me that she is lonely. I feel bad for her, because I don't know how she's going to find someone who loves her as much as my dad loved her. She is difficult to be around. She is sometimes mean. She is bossy. She is demanding. But dad didn't care. He loved her with all his heart, no matter what. I don't know if she'll find someone with an unconditional love for her again.
I love my mom. I really do. So I am praying for her, and hoping for the best. I know for a fact that God can do anything He chooses to do, and so I will continue to pray and never lose hope that her life will continually get better.
I love my mom. I really do. So I am praying for her, and hoping for the best. I know for a fact that God can do anything He chooses to do, and so I will continue to pray and never lose hope that her life will continually get better.
Day Two of Fitness
There is sweat pouring down my face right now. My body is emulating off enough heat to warm a small tent. I have just finished level 1 of the 30-Day Shred. There was a war going in my mind all day today. Around noon, when I put Raya down for her nap, was when the war began. "You should do a quick workout while Raya's sleeping!" an excited voice in my head said. "Well, let's just check how SIMS is doing. I need to make some more money real quick first." the other voice replied. An hour and a half later, I have made some clever remarks on facebook, and now Raya is crying to get out of bed. Hmmm, well, the workout will have to wait.
It wasn't until about half an hour ago, when I was bored of watching repeats on HGTV, that I decided that 20 minutes wouldn't be all that bad. Plus, I wouldn't be able to brag about working out again! hahaha
Anyways, I feel great. I feel like change is coming. I feel hopeful. Oh ya, and I feel sticky and sweaty.
I'd better go shower.
Night y'all!
It wasn't until about half an hour ago, when I was bored of watching repeats on HGTV, that I decided that 20 minutes wouldn't be all that bad. Plus, I wouldn't be able to brag about working out again! hahaha
Anyways, I feel great. I feel like change is coming. I feel hopeful. Oh ya, and I feel sticky and sweaty.
I'd better go shower.
Night y'all!
No Pain, No Gain.
So, I am very proud of myself for working out yesterday. I completed level 1 of Jillian Micheal's 30- Day Shred. I have made a promise to myself to make and effort to get back into shape this year. I know I deserve to be looking my best, because this is truly, the best I have ever felt, in my life. It has taken me a long time to get here. To get to the point where I accept myself, and accept who I am, and feel confident that I can improve my life. This next year is all about goal reaching and planning for the future.
This blog will serve as an inspiration to me in the future. I can look back and see my drive, and remember the thought I have having.
Right now, I feel really proud of myself. My body aches in weird places but it's a good hurt. I know that if I keep it up, my body will start changing drastically. I have good genes. My father is naturally slim and muscular, and in the past, I have been able to build muscle very quickly. Faster than most people, so I am bound and determined to take advantage of my genetics.
The Jillian Michael's workout is only a 20 minute workout, and when I was doing it yesterday, there came a time, in the middle of the workout, where I suddenly felt that I could not go on. So I took a quick breather and joined to workout again. Before I knew it, the workout was over, and I felt sooo good. I felt like I had gotten over the hump, and thought to myself, "Man, that went by quickly. I COULD do this once a day. I should do this once a day. Why not?"
This whole fitness thing IS important to me. I am young, and single, and love to be active. I also love clothes shopping, but for the past 2 years shopping has been an awful experience. I see clothes that I really love, but they don't look good on me. When your bigger, clothes don't fit the way you want them too. There are too many factors you have to consider. Clothes that are too snug show off the rolls. But clothes that are too loose look like tents. I have made a decision to stop buying clothes until I lose a few sizes. Buying size 14 clothes now, will only give me an excuse to stay the way I am. I have told myself that when my jeans start falling off my body, I will be allowed to go shopping for new clothes, which is pretty exciting! It gives me something to look forward to.
So welcome to my fitness blog. Come on this new journey with me!
This blog will serve as an inspiration to me in the future. I can look back and see my drive, and remember the thought I have having.
Right now, I feel really proud of myself. My body aches in weird places but it's a good hurt. I know that if I keep it up, my body will start changing drastically. I have good genes. My father is naturally slim and muscular, and in the past, I have been able to build muscle very quickly. Faster than most people, so I am bound and determined to take advantage of my genetics.
The Jillian Michael's workout is only a 20 minute workout, and when I was doing it yesterday, there came a time, in the middle of the workout, where I suddenly felt that I could not go on. So I took a quick breather and joined to workout again. Before I knew it, the workout was over, and I felt sooo good. I felt like I had gotten over the hump, and thought to myself, "Man, that went by quickly. I COULD do this once a day. I should do this once a day. Why not?"
This whole fitness thing IS important to me. I am young, and single, and love to be active. I also love clothes shopping, but for the past 2 years shopping has been an awful experience. I see clothes that I really love, but they don't look good on me. When your bigger, clothes don't fit the way you want them too. There are too many factors you have to consider. Clothes that are too snug show off the rolls. But clothes that are too loose look like tents. I have made a decision to stop buying clothes until I lose a few sizes. Buying size 14 clothes now, will only give me an excuse to stay the way I am. I have told myself that when my jeans start falling off my body, I will be allowed to go shopping for new clothes, which is pretty exciting! It gives me something to look forward to.
So welcome to my fitness blog. Come on this new journey with me!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Writing on the Wall
One of the most awesome things about being single and on my own, is that I live alone, with a baby. Therefore, I have the complete freedom to put anything I want up on my wall. When I was in the Dream Centre, I found that when I put up special scriptures on my wall, I would find myself meditating on them often, and it helped me through the hardest 2 years of my life. Those scriptures brought me peace and comfort.
Now that I am in my own appartment, I have carried on that tradition in my new home, and have various scriptures hanging on my walls, in many different places. I have also found the secret of goal acheivment, and that is to have a list of goals upon my wall, so that I am constantly reminded of my own personal "to-do" lists.
Well, tonight I have this test to write. It's for school, and to be honest, I have been having a hard time getting into the my school cycle. I am finding University to be very chanllenging. The most challenging is doing all the homework and keeping up. I find that when I am at home, all I want to do is clean, and facebook, and watch rediculous shows that I normally, never watch. It's so strange.
So as I am avioding a test tonight (which is in an hour) I have so many thoughts running through my head. Why am I doing this? How imporatant is this to me? Should I be rethinking my plans for my future? Is business really my thing? I decided to write down WHY I am doing this, and put it on my wall. My wall now reads:
MY GOALS: TO OBTAIN THE SKILLS NEEDED TO RUN OR MANAGE A SUCESSFUL BUSINESS; BE IT FOR-PROFIT OR NON-PROFIT.
That is what I want for my life. I don't just want to be in an entry level position forever. I want to be able to take more responsibility at work and in life. I want to be able to help a business acheieve its goals and ultametiatly, help people. I still have dreams of running a recovery centre or a halfway house or something like that. My heart is with the homeless and God knows how bad I want to help.
Anyhoo, I had better get ready for this test. Corporate Social Responsibility and Ethics!!
Now that I am in my own appartment, I have carried on that tradition in my new home, and have various scriptures hanging on my walls, in many different places. I have also found the secret of goal acheivment, and that is to have a list of goals upon my wall, so that I am constantly reminded of my own personal "to-do" lists.
Well, tonight I have this test to write. It's for school, and to be honest, I have been having a hard time getting into the my school cycle. I am finding University to be very chanllenging. The most challenging is doing all the homework and keeping up. I find that when I am at home, all I want to do is clean, and facebook, and watch rediculous shows that I normally, never watch. It's so strange.
So as I am avioding a test tonight (which is in an hour) I have so many thoughts running through my head. Why am I doing this? How imporatant is this to me? Should I be rethinking my plans for my future? Is business really my thing? I decided to write down WHY I am doing this, and put it on my wall. My wall now reads:
MY GOALS: TO OBTAIN THE SKILLS NEEDED TO RUN OR MANAGE A SUCESSFUL BUSINESS; BE IT FOR-PROFIT OR NON-PROFIT.
That is what I want for my life. I don't just want to be in an entry level position forever. I want to be able to take more responsibility at work and in life. I want to be able to help a business acheieve its goals and ultametiatly, help people. I still have dreams of running a recovery centre or a halfway house or something like that. My heart is with the homeless and God knows how bad I want to help.
Anyhoo, I had better get ready for this test. Corporate Social Responsibility and Ethics!!
I'm a BIG OL NERD!
Oh my gosh! The entire cast from Star Trek: The Next Generation is coming to Calgary in April. That was the serios that made me fall in love with Star Trek. I really really really want to go! Its a once in a life time opportunity and I HAVE to take it! Gotta save up enough money for that weekend. Need to bus to Calgary, sleep over and go to two days of the Expo! Oh my gosh. I can't wait!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Sister Memories
Here are a few of my favorite memories with my sister, Tanya.
1. Playing outside in the front lawn at the blue house, and playing WWF. She kicks me really hard in the crotch and runs away. I fall to the ground and realize that crotch kicking hurts girls too.
2. Deciding to run away one evening, me and Tanya make a sheet rope, and tie one end to my bed, and thrown it out my bedroom window. We shimmy down the sheet rope with birthday candles and cheese sandwitches for supplies. We make it to the back shed, and sit in there till it gets dark. After about 40 minutes we decide to go back home, about 300 meters away.
3. Tanya is the first to get her drivers lisence, and decides it's high time that I learn how to drive. She drives out to edge of the city in her friends little red firefly, and makes me get into the drivers seat. She then instructs me on how to drive stick shift. I stall the car repeatedly, but she keeps encouraging me to keep trying, and before I know it, I am driving AND changing gears! Success!
4. Its playtime, upstairs at Nanny and Papa's house. Me and Tanya have made up a game called "Dandy". It's a game that basically consists of me giving Tanya various "rides". Her favorite one is where she stands up on the edge of the couch, and I come and put my head between her legs and lift her off the couch. I then take her to the middle of the room and start spinning. When I start to feel tired, I walk her back to the couch and put her down, until I hear her little voice say, "Dandy!" again.
5. We have just been adopted, and there is a park down the street from our new house. We decide to walk across the back yards to get to the park one day, and find that one back yard has a very steep hill covered in long, smooth grass. We find out that it makes a perfect slide and spend some time sliding down it. We make the mistake of bringing friends there with us, later on, and the old lady that lives there, yells at us to stop playing there. We sneak back occassionally anyways.
6. At our new house in Lacombe, our backyard faces the country. Theres a fenced off farmers feild at the bottom of the hill, and us kids go under the barbed wire fence often, to play in the trees. One summer, we find that the neighbourhood boys have made a cool tree house in the tree's and are always down there. One day, the boys aren't down there and so we take the opportunity to check out their tree fort. We find playboy magazines in there and are shocked. We tell our friends in the neighbourhood, and the friends that visit, and take them down to see the magazines. Every friend we showed still remember that treehouse and those magazines.
1. Playing outside in the front lawn at the blue house, and playing WWF. She kicks me really hard in the crotch and runs away. I fall to the ground and realize that crotch kicking hurts girls too.
2. Deciding to run away one evening, me and Tanya make a sheet rope, and tie one end to my bed, and thrown it out my bedroom window. We shimmy down the sheet rope with birthday candles and cheese sandwitches for supplies. We make it to the back shed, and sit in there till it gets dark. After about 40 minutes we decide to go back home, about 300 meters away.
3. Tanya is the first to get her drivers lisence, and decides it's high time that I learn how to drive. She drives out to edge of the city in her friends little red firefly, and makes me get into the drivers seat. She then instructs me on how to drive stick shift. I stall the car repeatedly, but she keeps encouraging me to keep trying, and before I know it, I am driving AND changing gears! Success!
4. Its playtime, upstairs at Nanny and Papa's house. Me and Tanya have made up a game called "Dandy". It's a game that basically consists of me giving Tanya various "rides". Her favorite one is where she stands up on the edge of the couch, and I come and put my head between her legs and lift her off the couch. I then take her to the middle of the room and start spinning. When I start to feel tired, I walk her back to the couch and put her down, until I hear her little voice say, "Dandy!" again.
5. We have just been adopted, and there is a park down the street from our new house. We decide to walk across the back yards to get to the park one day, and find that one back yard has a very steep hill covered in long, smooth grass. We find out that it makes a perfect slide and spend some time sliding down it. We make the mistake of bringing friends there with us, later on, and the old lady that lives there, yells at us to stop playing there. We sneak back occassionally anyways.
6. At our new house in Lacombe, our backyard faces the country. Theres a fenced off farmers feild at the bottom of the hill, and us kids go under the barbed wire fence often, to play in the trees. One summer, we find that the neighbourhood boys have made a cool tree house in the tree's and are always down there. One day, the boys aren't down there and so we take the opportunity to check out their tree fort. We find playboy magazines in there and are shocked. We tell our friends in the neighbourhood, and the friends that visit, and take them down to see the magazines. Every friend we showed still remember that treehouse and those magazines.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Goal Setting....again
http://chrisgail-baringitall.blogspot.com/2011_02_01_archive.html
On the above link, is my first blog from last year. On that blog I listed some goals I wanted to acheive by the New Year. Let's see how I did.
1. Get my drivers lisence. (nope, not yet. Put back on the new list)
2. Pay off my jay-walking ticket. (Paid off $200, got $100 more to go!)
3. Write a book. ( Still working on it!)
4. Join the Writers Guild. (Oops, forgot about that one!)
5. Get down to a size 12. ( Almost there. I'm a very close size 13)
6. Get honors in English. ( I graduated with a 79%)
7. Build up a savings account. ( yep, got some savings)
8. Finish my scrapbook. ( Not even close)
9. Sing a solo in church. ( Nope, didn't do it yet)
10. Buy green contact lenses. ( Bought clear ones. My eyes are too bad for colored ones :()
I would also like to share one of my goals from the year before last year. And that was that my Mom Rindelle, my dad Peter Cardinal, and dad Jim Disterheft and Victor would all get to know Jesus and be saved.
Well halleliuah, and praise the Lord, I can cross one of those names off the list. My step-dad Jim, left this world last week, a saved man. Thank you Jesus.
This year I would like to again, make a list of goals and look again next year and see how far I've come. Let's start:
1. Get my Driver's Lisence.
2. Pay off my jaywalking ticket.
3. Join the Writers Guild of Alberta.
4. Get down to a size 9.
5. Graduate my first year of University with a GPA of 3.6
6. Get the rest of my house furnished.
7. Start Volunteering downtown.
8. Go to Montreal.
9. Memorize 12 different scriptures, one for each month.
10. Make a new friend.
11. Get a new tattoo.
Ok, well here's the new list. I think a mistake I made last time was that I wrote my list and never looked at it again until today. This time I am going to be smarter and I am going to take this list, and hang it on my wall. That way, I won't forget what my goals are and they will be in the front of my mind all the time! Jesus, I commit this list to you, and know with your help, I can acheieve more than I have ever acheived before. My life is yours.
On the above link, is my first blog from last year. On that blog I listed some goals I wanted to acheive by the New Year. Let's see how I did.
1. Get my drivers lisence. (nope, not yet. Put back on the new list)
2. Pay off my jay-walking ticket. (Paid off $200, got $100 more to go!)
3. Write a book. ( Still working on it!)
4. Join the Writers Guild. (Oops, forgot about that one!)
5. Get down to a size 12. ( Almost there. I'm a very close size 13)
6. Get honors in English. ( I graduated with a 79%)
7. Build up a savings account. ( yep, got some savings)
8. Finish my scrapbook. ( Not even close)
9. Sing a solo in church. ( Nope, didn't do it yet)
10. Buy green contact lenses. ( Bought clear ones. My eyes are too bad for colored ones :()
I would also like to share one of my goals from the year before last year. And that was that my Mom Rindelle, my dad Peter Cardinal, and dad Jim Disterheft and Victor would all get to know Jesus and be saved.
Well halleliuah, and praise the Lord, I can cross one of those names off the list. My step-dad Jim, left this world last week, a saved man. Thank you Jesus.
This year I would like to again, make a list of goals and look again next year and see how far I've come. Let's start:
1. Get my Driver's Lisence.
2. Pay off my jaywalking ticket.
3. Join the Writers Guild of Alberta.
4. Get down to a size 9.
5. Graduate my first year of University with a GPA of 3.6
6. Get the rest of my house furnished.
7. Start Volunteering downtown.
8. Go to Montreal.
9. Memorize 12 different scriptures, one for each month.
10. Make a new friend.
11. Get a new tattoo.
Ok, well here's the new list. I think a mistake I made last time was that I wrote my list and never looked at it again until today. This time I am going to be smarter and I am going to take this list, and hang it on my wall. That way, I won't forget what my goals are and they will be in the front of my mind all the time! Jesus, I commit this list to you, and know with your help, I can acheieve more than I have ever acheived before. My life is yours.
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