One of the most awesome things about being single and on my own, is that I live alone, with a baby. Therefore, I have the complete freedom to put anything I want up on my wall. When I was in the Dream Centre, I found that when I put up special scriptures on my wall, I would find myself meditating on them often, and it helped me through the hardest 2 years of my life. Those scriptures brought me peace and comfort.
Now that I am in my own appartment, I have carried on that tradition in my new home, and have various scriptures hanging on my walls, in many different places. I have also found the secret of goal acheivment, and that is to have a list of goals upon my wall, so that I am constantly reminded of my own personal "to-do" lists.
Well, tonight I have this test to write. It's for school, and to be honest, I have been having a hard time getting into the my school cycle. I am finding University to be very chanllenging. The most challenging is doing all the homework and keeping up. I find that when I am at home, all I want to do is clean, and facebook, and watch rediculous shows that I normally, never watch. It's so strange.
So as I am avioding a test tonight (which is in an hour) I have so many thoughts running through my head. Why am I doing this? How imporatant is this to me? Should I be rethinking my plans for my future? Is business really my thing? I decided to write down WHY I am doing this, and put it on my wall. My wall now reads:
MY GOALS: TO OBTAIN THE SKILLS NEEDED TO RUN OR MANAGE A SUCESSFUL BUSINESS; BE IT FOR-PROFIT OR NON-PROFIT.
That is what I want for my life. I don't just want to be in an entry level position forever. I want to be able to take more responsibility at work and in life. I want to be able to help a business acheieve its goals and ultametiatly, help people. I still have dreams of running a recovery centre or a halfway house or something like that. My heart is with the homeless and God knows how bad I want to help.
Anyhoo, I had better get ready for this test. Corporate Social Responsibility and Ethics!!
Monday, January 30, 2012
I'm a BIG OL NERD!
Oh my gosh! The entire cast from Star Trek: The Next Generation is coming to Calgary in April. That was the serios that made me fall in love with Star Trek. I really really really want to go! Its a once in a life time opportunity and I HAVE to take it! Gotta save up enough money for that weekend. Need to bus to Calgary, sleep over and go to two days of the Expo! Oh my gosh. I can't wait!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Sister Memories
Here are a few of my favorite memories with my sister, Tanya.
1. Playing outside in the front lawn at the blue house, and playing WWF. She kicks me really hard in the crotch and runs away. I fall to the ground and realize that crotch kicking hurts girls too.
2. Deciding to run away one evening, me and Tanya make a sheet rope, and tie one end to my bed, and thrown it out my bedroom window. We shimmy down the sheet rope with birthday candles and cheese sandwitches for supplies. We make it to the back shed, and sit in there till it gets dark. After about 40 minutes we decide to go back home, about 300 meters away.
3. Tanya is the first to get her drivers lisence, and decides it's high time that I learn how to drive. She drives out to edge of the city in her friends little red firefly, and makes me get into the drivers seat. She then instructs me on how to drive stick shift. I stall the car repeatedly, but she keeps encouraging me to keep trying, and before I know it, I am driving AND changing gears! Success!
4. Its playtime, upstairs at Nanny and Papa's house. Me and Tanya have made up a game called "Dandy". It's a game that basically consists of me giving Tanya various "rides". Her favorite one is where she stands up on the edge of the couch, and I come and put my head between her legs and lift her off the couch. I then take her to the middle of the room and start spinning. When I start to feel tired, I walk her back to the couch and put her down, until I hear her little voice say, "Dandy!" again.
5. We have just been adopted, and there is a park down the street from our new house. We decide to walk across the back yards to get to the park one day, and find that one back yard has a very steep hill covered in long, smooth grass. We find out that it makes a perfect slide and spend some time sliding down it. We make the mistake of bringing friends there with us, later on, and the old lady that lives there, yells at us to stop playing there. We sneak back occassionally anyways.
6. At our new house in Lacombe, our backyard faces the country. Theres a fenced off farmers feild at the bottom of the hill, and us kids go under the barbed wire fence often, to play in the trees. One summer, we find that the neighbourhood boys have made a cool tree house in the tree's and are always down there. One day, the boys aren't down there and so we take the opportunity to check out their tree fort. We find playboy magazines in there and are shocked. We tell our friends in the neighbourhood, and the friends that visit, and take them down to see the magazines. Every friend we showed still remember that treehouse and those magazines.
1. Playing outside in the front lawn at the blue house, and playing WWF. She kicks me really hard in the crotch and runs away. I fall to the ground and realize that crotch kicking hurts girls too.
2. Deciding to run away one evening, me and Tanya make a sheet rope, and tie one end to my bed, and thrown it out my bedroom window. We shimmy down the sheet rope with birthday candles and cheese sandwitches for supplies. We make it to the back shed, and sit in there till it gets dark. After about 40 minutes we decide to go back home, about 300 meters away.
3. Tanya is the first to get her drivers lisence, and decides it's high time that I learn how to drive. She drives out to edge of the city in her friends little red firefly, and makes me get into the drivers seat. She then instructs me on how to drive stick shift. I stall the car repeatedly, but she keeps encouraging me to keep trying, and before I know it, I am driving AND changing gears! Success!
4. Its playtime, upstairs at Nanny and Papa's house. Me and Tanya have made up a game called "Dandy". It's a game that basically consists of me giving Tanya various "rides". Her favorite one is where she stands up on the edge of the couch, and I come and put my head between her legs and lift her off the couch. I then take her to the middle of the room and start spinning. When I start to feel tired, I walk her back to the couch and put her down, until I hear her little voice say, "Dandy!" again.
5. We have just been adopted, and there is a park down the street from our new house. We decide to walk across the back yards to get to the park one day, and find that one back yard has a very steep hill covered in long, smooth grass. We find out that it makes a perfect slide and spend some time sliding down it. We make the mistake of bringing friends there with us, later on, and the old lady that lives there, yells at us to stop playing there. We sneak back occassionally anyways.
6. At our new house in Lacombe, our backyard faces the country. Theres a fenced off farmers feild at the bottom of the hill, and us kids go under the barbed wire fence often, to play in the trees. One summer, we find that the neighbourhood boys have made a cool tree house in the tree's and are always down there. One day, the boys aren't down there and so we take the opportunity to check out their tree fort. We find playboy magazines in there and are shocked. We tell our friends in the neighbourhood, and the friends that visit, and take them down to see the magazines. Every friend we showed still remember that treehouse and those magazines.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Goal Setting....again
http://chrisgail-baringitall.blogspot.com/2011_02_01_archive.html
On the above link, is my first blog from last year. On that blog I listed some goals I wanted to acheive by the New Year. Let's see how I did.
1. Get my drivers lisence. (nope, not yet. Put back on the new list)
2. Pay off my jay-walking ticket. (Paid off $200, got $100 more to go!)
3. Write a book. ( Still working on it!)
4. Join the Writers Guild. (Oops, forgot about that one!)
5. Get down to a size 12. ( Almost there. I'm a very close size 13)
6. Get honors in English. ( I graduated with a 79%)
7. Build up a savings account. ( yep, got some savings)
8. Finish my scrapbook. ( Not even close)
9. Sing a solo in church. ( Nope, didn't do it yet)
10. Buy green contact lenses. ( Bought clear ones. My eyes are too bad for colored ones :()
I would also like to share one of my goals from the year before last year. And that was that my Mom Rindelle, my dad Peter Cardinal, and dad Jim Disterheft and Victor would all get to know Jesus and be saved.
Well halleliuah, and praise the Lord, I can cross one of those names off the list. My step-dad Jim, left this world last week, a saved man. Thank you Jesus.
This year I would like to again, make a list of goals and look again next year and see how far I've come. Let's start:
1. Get my Driver's Lisence.
2. Pay off my jaywalking ticket.
3. Join the Writers Guild of Alberta.
4. Get down to a size 9.
5. Graduate my first year of University with a GPA of 3.6
6. Get the rest of my house furnished.
7. Start Volunteering downtown.
8. Go to Montreal.
9. Memorize 12 different scriptures, one for each month.
10. Make a new friend.
11. Get a new tattoo.
Ok, well here's the new list. I think a mistake I made last time was that I wrote my list and never looked at it again until today. This time I am going to be smarter and I am going to take this list, and hang it on my wall. That way, I won't forget what my goals are and they will be in the front of my mind all the time! Jesus, I commit this list to you, and know with your help, I can acheieve more than I have ever acheived before. My life is yours.
On the above link, is my first blog from last year. On that blog I listed some goals I wanted to acheive by the New Year. Let's see how I did.
1. Get my drivers lisence. (nope, not yet. Put back on the new list)
2. Pay off my jay-walking ticket. (Paid off $200, got $100 more to go!)
3. Write a book. ( Still working on it!)
4. Join the Writers Guild. (Oops, forgot about that one!)
5. Get down to a size 12. ( Almost there. I'm a very close size 13)
6. Get honors in English. ( I graduated with a 79%)
7. Build up a savings account. ( yep, got some savings)
8. Finish my scrapbook. ( Not even close)
9. Sing a solo in church. ( Nope, didn't do it yet)
10. Buy green contact lenses. ( Bought clear ones. My eyes are too bad for colored ones :()
I would also like to share one of my goals from the year before last year. And that was that my Mom Rindelle, my dad Peter Cardinal, and dad Jim Disterheft and Victor would all get to know Jesus and be saved.
Well halleliuah, and praise the Lord, I can cross one of those names off the list. My step-dad Jim, left this world last week, a saved man. Thank you Jesus.
This year I would like to again, make a list of goals and look again next year and see how far I've come. Let's start:
1. Get my Driver's Lisence.
2. Pay off my jaywalking ticket.
3. Join the Writers Guild of Alberta.
4. Get down to a size 9.
5. Graduate my first year of University with a GPA of 3.6
6. Get the rest of my house furnished.
7. Start Volunteering downtown.
8. Go to Montreal.
9. Memorize 12 different scriptures, one for each month.
10. Make a new friend.
11. Get a new tattoo.
Ok, well here's the new list. I think a mistake I made last time was that I wrote my list and never looked at it again until today. This time I am going to be smarter and I am going to take this list, and hang it on my wall. That way, I won't forget what my goals are and they will be in the front of my mind all the time! Jesus, I commit this list to you, and know with your help, I can acheieve more than I have ever acheived before. My life is yours.
Dirty Dancing
If you grew up sometime in the 80's then you know all about the movie, "Dirty Dancing". If your a GIRL who grew up in the 80's, then you may have the entire movie memorized. "Nobody puts Baby in the corner!" hahaha
I remember that back in those days, I was just newly adopted by my new white family. They were super strict Christians and in order to listen to the latest music, or see the hottest movies, I had to go over a friends house and do it there. I remember when I first heard of New Kids On The Block. My friend Del, called them NKOTB, and I was like, "What's NKOTB?" She looked at me in unbelief and immediatly shoved a Teen Beat Magazine into my hands, ( http://xaxor.com/female/17306-funny-covers-of-teen-magazines-from-the-80s.html ) and opened it up on a group shot of The New Kids. She was my music guru of the 80's, showing me the wonders of Madonna, Debbie Gibson, C & C Music Factory, and of course, Tifanny.
My parents did not allow "worldly" or "secular" music into the house. The word "secular" always reminded of me of SATAN, I guess because thats what my parents portrayed. Anyhoo...
When Dirty Dancing came out it was the event of the 80's! Everyone was talking about at school, and everyone loved it. I couldn't wait to see it, so the next time our new mom took us to the video store I eagerly grabbed the box that said "Dirty Dancing" on it, and on the cover you could see Patrick Swazy and Jennifer Gray dancing. Well, when we got up to the counter, my mother collected all the video's and had a look over them. She always did this, so as not to get anything "unappropriate". Sure as shit, she got to the Dirty Dancing Movie Cover, took one look at the title, and scolded me for bringing up to the counter. "No way!" she said, and told me to go put it back. I was so embarassed that she would do that me in public, and so mad that she was so old fashioned. I remember this being a common theme as I grew up. I hated it.
A couple week later, I went to spend the weekend at my best friends house in the country. Her mom and dad were so, so cool. Since her mom worked alot, as a nurse, and did alot of shift work, I often slept over and me and my friend would spend the weekend, alone, in front of the t.v. So when my friends mom took us to the same video store on that friday, I excitedly ran to where "Dirty Dancing" was displayed, and grabbed the box. My friend squealed with delight, and we rented it, with no questions asked. I couldn't wait to get back to the farm and see it.
You know, as a Christian mom now, I get why my parents did what they did. I understand the intentions behind it. But unfortunatly, their "Christian Bubble" that they tried so hard to raise me in, just made me even more curious about the world. I was told about all the evils of the world, but at the same time, saw all my friends(and thats not an exaggeration) participating in the devils world, and saw that they seemed fine. I saw kids that learned to look after themselves since they were in grade 5, while my parents still hired a babysitter until I was 16 years old.(Totally embarrassing!) I saw my friends go to dances, while my parents promised me that dancing leads to sex on the dancefloor. Was I ever shocked when I snuck off to my first dance(in grade 10), and didn't see anyone having sex OR dirty dancing! I was so nerdy and geeky back then I couldn't get within 6 feet of a boy without getting embarassed and shy. And even at the highschool level, there were hardly any girls actually dancing with boys. There was a boy group here, and a girl group there, and so on and so forth. Real cheezy, and I thought, "Wow, I guess I havnt been missing much."
Now that I am a mother, and yes, a Christian, I wonder what kind of parent I am going to be. I really want to teach Ray from an early age HOW to make good decisions, and I want her to know that I trust her. I don't want to hold her back from feeling confident and be making all her little decions for her, but I DO want to protect her from the world. I think I'll be ok at doing this. Not only am I working NOW on earning her trust and respect, but I am willing to keep learning and about good parenting. And I have to say, that no, there will be no Rhianna albums in our house ever, and probably not any Katy Perry either. I want Raya to look up to women who respect themselves so in that respect I will put my foot down. However, I think I have enough life experience to make sure I'm not just "the Boss" and hope that Raya will understand that I will always listen to her, and if need be that a movie comes out with a similar title to "Dirty Dancing", that I will remember my childhood, and just download the darn movie, and pop some popcorn, and have a girls nite with my little love.
I remember that back in those days, I was just newly adopted by my new white family. They were super strict Christians and in order to listen to the latest music, or see the hottest movies, I had to go over a friends house and do it there. I remember when I first heard of New Kids On The Block. My friend Del, called them NKOTB, and I was like, "What's NKOTB?" She looked at me in unbelief and immediatly shoved a Teen Beat Magazine into my hands, ( http://xaxor.com/female/17306-funny-covers-of-teen-magazines-from-the-80s.html ) and opened it up on a group shot of The New Kids. She was my music guru of the 80's, showing me the wonders of Madonna, Debbie Gibson, C & C Music Factory, and of course, Tifanny.
My parents did not allow "worldly" or "secular" music into the house. The word "secular" always reminded of me of SATAN, I guess because thats what my parents portrayed. Anyhoo...
When Dirty Dancing came out it was the event of the 80's! Everyone was talking about at school, and everyone loved it. I couldn't wait to see it, so the next time our new mom took us to the video store I eagerly grabbed the box that said "Dirty Dancing" on it, and on the cover you could see Patrick Swazy and Jennifer Gray dancing. Well, when we got up to the counter, my mother collected all the video's and had a look over them. She always did this, so as not to get anything "unappropriate". Sure as shit, she got to the Dirty Dancing Movie Cover, took one look at the title, and scolded me for bringing up to the counter. "No way!" she said, and told me to go put it back. I was so embarassed that she would do that me in public, and so mad that she was so old fashioned. I remember this being a common theme as I grew up. I hated it.
A couple week later, I went to spend the weekend at my best friends house in the country. Her mom and dad were so, so cool. Since her mom worked alot, as a nurse, and did alot of shift work, I often slept over and me and my friend would spend the weekend, alone, in front of the t.v. So when my friends mom took us to the same video store on that friday, I excitedly ran to where "Dirty Dancing" was displayed, and grabbed the box. My friend squealed with delight, and we rented it, with no questions asked. I couldn't wait to get back to the farm and see it.
You know, as a Christian mom now, I get why my parents did what they did. I understand the intentions behind it. But unfortunatly, their "Christian Bubble" that they tried so hard to raise me in, just made me even more curious about the world. I was told about all the evils of the world, but at the same time, saw all my friends(and thats not an exaggeration) participating in the devils world, and saw that they seemed fine. I saw kids that learned to look after themselves since they were in grade 5, while my parents still hired a babysitter until I was 16 years old.(Totally embarrassing!) I saw my friends go to dances, while my parents promised me that dancing leads to sex on the dancefloor. Was I ever shocked when I snuck off to my first dance(in grade 10), and didn't see anyone having sex OR dirty dancing! I was so nerdy and geeky back then I couldn't get within 6 feet of a boy without getting embarassed and shy. And even at the highschool level, there were hardly any girls actually dancing with boys. There was a boy group here, and a girl group there, and so on and so forth. Real cheezy, and I thought, "Wow, I guess I havnt been missing much."
Now that I am a mother, and yes, a Christian, I wonder what kind of parent I am going to be. I really want to teach Ray from an early age HOW to make good decisions, and I want her to know that I trust her. I don't want to hold her back from feeling confident and be making all her little decions for her, but I DO want to protect her from the world. I think I'll be ok at doing this. Not only am I working NOW on earning her trust and respect, but I am willing to keep learning and about good parenting. And I have to say, that no, there will be no Rhianna albums in our house ever, and probably not any Katy Perry either. I want Raya to look up to women who respect themselves so in that respect I will put my foot down. However, I think I have enough life experience to make sure I'm not just "the Boss" and hope that Raya will understand that I will always listen to her, and if need be that a movie comes out with a similar title to "Dirty Dancing", that I will remember my childhood, and just download the darn movie, and pop some popcorn, and have a girls nite with my little love.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The Story of my Stabbing: Near Death Experience
Death has always facinated me. When I was younger, one of my dreams was to become an undertaker, and drain blood from bodies, and prepeare them for burial. I never followed that dream.(Phew!) Anyhoo, my step-dad, Jim died last night night. He was not afraid of dying, and so I wasn't sad for him. I knew that Jim was at peace with dying, and that kind of peace can only come from God alone. And when you are right with God, dying is when life REALLY starts. I know that my step daddy is in heaven, right now, with our Saviour Jesus, and it's beautiful there. He is in no pain, and nobody is mean to him there. He is surrounded with love, and God's glory. Lucky man.
I have had my own near-death experience and it was TERRIFYING! Truely. I had been at a drinking party, with a couple of my friends. There I sat, centre of attention, as always, slurping down the 'ol whiskey and coke, smirinoff ice and vodka, and bottled canadian beer. Having a great time. Now back when I was drinking I was one of those girls who thrived on male attention, and I always HAD to be centre of attention, telling jokes, being loud and obnoxious. The women around me were usually annoyed by me, or jelous of me, or maybe just plain unimpressed by me. Anyhoo, there was a girl at the party who didn't like me. That was nothing new to me, and I just ignored her. Usually ignoring somebody worked for me, but she was one of those tough girls who would NOT be ignored, and eventually we started fighting. Like, fist fighting.
I hated fist fighting. I was not very good at it, and usually ended up on the ground, in fetal position, screaming my head off. There were alot of people at this party and alot of them were locals, who I would see on an almost daily basis, and I did not want to get beat up in front of my peers, so I left.
Unbeknownst to me, she followed me over to my other friends house across the parking lot. She brought her mother with her, and as I was sitting at the kitchen table at my other friends house, she burst through the front doors with a paring knife, and started stabbing me.
Now, at the time, I was a really skinny indian, who couldn't see. I was suppossed to wear thick glasses, but didn't, because I thought I was way prettier without them, even though I walked around with a permanent squint. Anyhoo, I had no idea she had a knife, and thought that she was just kind of punching me on my back and shoulder. I was thinking, "Oh Geeze. This chick is wack! This doesn't even hurt. I could probably take her." The whole time I had a beer in my left hand, and as she was "hitting" me, I kept drinking, and tried to push her away with my right hand. After about a minute or two, she stopped, and walked away from me. I was confused as to why she had suddenly stopped "hitting" me until I saw her go over to the kitch sink with a bloody knife, and a bloddy hand. She ran the bloody knife under the kitchen tap very calmly and quietly, as I stood there totally confused.
It finally hit me, and I felt something warm and sticky running down my back. With my non-beer hand, I felt my back, and when I pulled my hand in front of me, I saw that my hand was covered in fresh blood. I couldn't believe it. I didn't feel anything?! I wasn't in pain or anything, so I asked her, "Did you just stab me?" I stood there dumbfounded. She relied, "Yes, and no one here is going to say anything about it." And she walked out the door.
I took a sip of my beer and took a few steps, and suddenly my chest felt like it was ripping apart. Suddenly, panic started to set in, as I wondered where she had stabbed me. How bad was it? Could I stay and finish up a couple of beers before I went to the hospital? Should I call 911? Was it just a scratch? Or was I totally over reaccting? I grabbed a couple of full cans of beer from my friend and told him I'd be back later. That I had to go. As I left the appartment, I realized that I was fatally woundned. Each step brought on more pain from my chest, and I found it was hard to draw a breath of air into my lungs. I knew I was starting to go into shock and all I could think of was my kids.
I hadn't seen them for 3 years. I was completly heartbroken, and found that by drinking I could cope with my broken heart. I didn't think of them as often if I was drunk. But at that moment, as I was walking out of that appartment building, they were all I could think of. I remeber the regret, and I remember the pure fear that shook me to the core. Was this how I was going to leave this earth? Was this going to be my story? Woman, 29, dies of fatal stab would. Would there be a little blurb in the Edmonton Journal, telling my children that their mother had died? Drinking WAS a factor? Oh God, pease, no! Please don't let me die! My soul cried out, out of fear, out of regret, out of shame. Out of the fact that I knew this was it, and that my life had been a total waste. Drinking? Was it really what I had devoted my life to? Really? FFS
As the shock started taking over my body, I started becoming delerious. I suddenly felt the presence of what I can only describe as an angel, or angels. I could hear a soft voice saying, "Just keep walking Starla. Come on. You can do it. Just breath slowly and keep walking." I remembered from my prenatal classes, the deep breathing excersizes I had mastered after birthing 4 kids, and I continued to breath in slowly and deeply. I made it to the front door of some nearby friends, and collasped. I could hear them screaming and crying around me, and could hear my friends shakey voice talking to 911. Although I don't remeber this, my friends later told me that when I collasped, I was praying, and telling God I was sorry, and that I didn't want to die. Yikes. I fell face down onto the floor, bleeding from everywhere. 911 arrived to find me passed out in a pool of my own blood.
I remember waking up in the ambulance with an oxygen mask strapped to my face. My chest felt like it was literally ripping apart everytime I breathed in. It hurt so much inside my chest and I didn't know what was going on. As soon as we arrived at the hospital, the doctor cut me open, and stuffed a large tube into chest cavity. I had been stabbed 4 times, and one of the wounds, in the middle of my back, had gone far enough in to puncture my lung. It scary to think that had the wound been 2 cm over, it would have gone into my spinal cord. The Lord was watching me.
The next 5 hours were torturous. I had to be hooked up to a machine that breathed for me, and it was very painful and scary. I stayed hooked up for 3 days, and was in pain the entire time. As I layed there, I had alot of time to think about the way I was living my life. I knew I was in trouble. I knew that drinking had a hold on me. I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to stop. I was so sad, but I remember when my parents came and brought me a slurppee, I acted tough, the result of so many years living the "street life". I acted like I was just fine, and like it was no big deal. I did care. I was completly terrified. I didn't want to go back to my old life. I just wanted someone to come and say, "Hey, everything is going to be ok." I think that was a turning point in my life.
5 months later, I made that life changing phone call to my Nanny. 5 months later I re-dedicated my life to Christ. 5 months later I found out that I was expecting a little girl.
I have had my own near-death experience and it was TERRIFYING! Truely. I had been at a drinking party, with a couple of my friends. There I sat, centre of attention, as always, slurping down the 'ol whiskey and coke, smirinoff ice and vodka, and bottled canadian beer. Having a great time. Now back when I was drinking I was one of those girls who thrived on male attention, and I always HAD to be centre of attention, telling jokes, being loud and obnoxious. The women around me were usually annoyed by me, or jelous of me, or maybe just plain unimpressed by me. Anyhoo, there was a girl at the party who didn't like me. That was nothing new to me, and I just ignored her. Usually ignoring somebody worked for me, but she was one of those tough girls who would NOT be ignored, and eventually we started fighting. Like, fist fighting.
I hated fist fighting. I was not very good at it, and usually ended up on the ground, in fetal position, screaming my head off. There were alot of people at this party and alot of them were locals, who I would see on an almost daily basis, and I did not want to get beat up in front of my peers, so I left.
Unbeknownst to me, she followed me over to my other friends house across the parking lot. She brought her mother with her, and as I was sitting at the kitchen table at my other friends house, she burst through the front doors with a paring knife, and started stabbing me.
Now, at the time, I was a really skinny indian, who couldn't see. I was suppossed to wear thick glasses, but didn't, because I thought I was way prettier without them, even though I walked around with a permanent squint. Anyhoo, I had no idea she had a knife, and thought that she was just kind of punching me on my back and shoulder. I was thinking, "Oh Geeze. This chick is wack! This doesn't even hurt. I could probably take her." The whole time I had a beer in my left hand, and as she was "hitting" me, I kept drinking, and tried to push her away with my right hand. After about a minute or two, she stopped, and walked away from me. I was confused as to why she had suddenly stopped "hitting" me until I saw her go over to the kitch sink with a bloody knife, and a bloddy hand. She ran the bloody knife under the kitchen tap very calmly and quietly, as I stood there totally confused.
It finally hit me, and I felt something warm and sticky running down my back. With my non-beer hand, I felt my back, and when I pulled my hand in front of me, I saw that my hand was covered in fresh blood. I couldn't believe it. I didn't feel anything?! I wasn't in pain or anything, so I asked her, "Did you just stab me?" I stood there dumbfounded. She relied, "Yes, and no one here is going to say anything about it." And she walked out the door.
I took a sip of my beer and took a few steps, and suddenly my chest felt like it was ripping apart. Suddenly, panic started to set in, as I wondered where she had stabbed me. How bad was it? Could I stay and finish up a couple of beers before I went to the hospital? Should I call 911? Was it just a scratch? Or was I totally over reaccting? I grabbed a couple of full cans of beer from my friend and told him I'd be back later. That I had to go. As I left the appartment, I realized that I was fatally woundned. Each step brought on more pain from my chest, and I found it was hard to draw a breath of air into my lungs. I knew I was starting to go into shock and all I could think of was my kids.
I hadn't seen them for 3 years. I was completly heartbroken, and found that by drinking I could cope with my broken heart. I didn't think of them as often if I was drunk. But at that moment, as I was walking out of that appartment building, they were all I could think of. I remeber the regret, and I remember the pure fear that shook me to the core. Was this how I was going to leave this earth? Was this going to be my story? Woman, 29, dies of fatal stab would. Would there be a little blurb in the Edmonton Journal, telling my children that their mother had died? Drinking WAS a factor? Oh God, pease, no! Please don't let me die! My soul cried out, out of fear, out of regret, out of shame. Out of the fact that I knew this was it, and that my life had been a total waste. Drinking? Was it really what I had devoted my life to? Really? FFS
As the shock started taking over my body, I started becoming delerious. I suddenly felt the presence of what I can only describe as an angel, or angels. I could hear a soft voice saying, "Just keep walking Starla. Come on. You can do it. Just breath slowly and keep walking." I remembered from my prenatal classes, the deep breathing excersizes I had mastered after birthing 4 kids, and I continued to breath in slowly and deeply. I made it to the front door of some nearby friends, and collasped. I could hear them screaming and crying around me, and could hear my friends shakey voice talking to 911. Although I don't remeber this, my friends later told me that when I collasped, I was praying, and telling God I was sorry, and that I didn't want to die. Yikes. I fell face down onto the floor, bleeding from everywhere. 911 arrived to find me passed out in a pool of my own blood.
I remember waking up in the ambulance with an oxygen mask strapped to my face. My chest felt like it was literally ripping apart everytime I breathed in. It hurt so much inside my chest and I didn't know what was going on. As soon as we arrived at the hospital, the doctor cut me open, and stuffed a large tube into chest cavity. I had been stabbed 4 times, and one of the wounds, in the middle of my back, had gone far enough in to puncture my lung. It scary to think that had the wound been 2 cm over, it would have gone into my spinal cord. The Lord was watching me.
The next 5 hours were torturous. I had to be hooked up to a machine that breathed for me, and it was very painful and scary. I stayed hooked up for 3 days, and was in pain the entire time. As I layed there, I had alot of time to think about the way I was living my life. I knew I was in trouble. I knew that drinking had a hold on me. I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to stop. I was so sad, but I remember when my parents came and brought me a slurppee, I acted tough, the result of so many years living the "street life". I acted like I was just fine, and like it was no big deal. I did care. I was completly terrified. I didn't want to go back to my old life. I just wanted someone to come and say, "Hey, everything is going to be ok." I think that was a turning point in my life.
5 months later, I made that life changing phone call to my Nanny. 5 months later I re-dedicated my life to Christ. 5 months later I found out that I was expecting a little girl.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
The Big Girl Panties
So, I took my little Ray Ray out shopping this evening for her very first pair of big girl panties. She has been ready for a couple weeks now, to try some out, but this is the first free moment I've had to take her out. Been so busy getting ready for school, and shopping for myself. She is so happy with her new Dora the Explorer undies, and she looks so cute in them! I just caught her posing in front of the full length mirror, admiring them.
My little pookies is growing up so darned fast. I sometimes wonder if I am doing the right thing by going to school full time and working part time. It seems I only have 2 days a week with her, to teach her things, and show her how much I care about her. I love the way she runs into my arms when I go to pick her up from her daycare and the huge smile that she gives me, when she hears my voice calling her. I am so in love with this 22 month old little girl.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little jelous of my friends and family who have husbands who look after them. I would love to have someone to share the financial responsibility with or simply say, "Darling, let me pay for everything!" hahaha But I am holding out for a marriage that God will arrange for me, where finances will not be the deciding factor for our relationship, but He will be. I want a man that I can pray with, and who will love Raya like his own.
Anyways, I have full faith that all my hard work will pay off for mine and Raya's future. I HAVE to believe. Belief is sometimes all that I have going for me. I am looking forward to the challenges and rewards of 2012, and am excited to blog all year long and one day read back to this day where I was hopeful and sure that God would be working on my behalf this year. I also look forward to the day when I read back and see that my faith in God in finding me a husband all worked out for my good.
Anyways, I'm gonna go watch a movie with my little big girl, and hope that she doesn't pee on me.
My little pookies is growing up so darned fast. I sometimes wonder if I am doing the right thing by going to school full time and working part time. It seems I only have 2 days a week with her, to teach her things, and show her how much I care about her. I love the way she runs into my arms when I go to pick her up from her daycare and the huge smile that she gives me, when she hears my voice calling her. I am so in love with this 22 month old little girl.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little jelous of my friends and family who have husbands who look after them. I would love to have someone to share the financial responsibility with or simply say, "Darling, let me pay for everything!" hahaha But I am holding out for a marriage that God will arrange for me, where finances will not be the deciding factor for our relationship, but He will be. I want a man that I can pray with, and who will love Raya like his own.
Anyways, I have full faith that all my hard work will pay off for mine and Raya's future. I HAVE to believe. Belief is sometimes all that I have going for me. I am looking forward to the challenges and rewards of 2012, and am excited to blog all year long and one day read back to this day where I was hopeful and sure that God would be working on my behalf this year. I also look forward to the day when I read back and see that my faith in God in finding me a husband all worked out for my good.
Anyways, I'm gonna go watch a movie with my little big girl, and hope that she doesn't pee on me.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
The New Year
So, I moved next door and its been fantastic. I was so unsure and afraid to move. But everything all worked together for good. Just like God promised. First, I found me a temporary job at a trade show production company. Its right by my house, and my boss was ok to let me work there until December. I found out that I had applied too late for Grant MacEwan and didnt make it into Fall semester. Thankfully, I DID get accepted into winter semester, which started 2 days ago. So far, so good.
I am actually really relieved because the courses I am taking are very similar to the courses I took for Office Admin. The Grant MacEwan South Campus is really small and nice. There is a gym, and a Tim Hortons and a Pizza 73! They also sell some great, cheap clothes in the school store and Iam looking forward to buying various sweat suits with Grant MacEwan University written all over them!
There is an abundance of young men that attend my school. Some are pretty cute, some are really young, and then the rest must have good personalities. haw!haw!haw! No, but really, there are some real cuties there. I have made a couple of friends so far, and am really looking forward to improving my leadership abilities and decision making skills. I think Iam going to make a great CEO someday.
Which reminds me about my job. So, basically I took this temporary job, just to make ends meet until I got back into school. I showed up everyday and worked very hard. Made tons of calls each day, and tried to keep in mind what the Bible says. It says that when you are working, you are to work as if you are working for the Lord, and He will bless you. So I did. And I was blessed. My boss really took notice of me, and pulled me aside to tell me how highly she thought of me, and that I have a permanent position within her company, iof I want it. She told me that my work ethics and my attitude and drive reminded me of her. OF HER? What a compliment! This is a very well known and successful business woman! I was super flattered, and just beaming after she had a talk with me. WOW! Who knows what I will become. Its looking like the possibilities are endless right now! WOW!
Iam finding that the more and more I try to live my life the way God instructs us to, the more my life changes for the better. There is nothing that God can't do. Anyhoo, its good to be blogging again.
Thanks MamaT, for being my number 1 fan!
I am actually really relieved because the courses I am taking are very similar to the courses I took for Office Admin. The Grant MacEwan South Campus is really small and nice. There is a gym, and a Tim Hortons and a Pizza 73! They also sell some great, cheap clothes in the school store and Iam looking forward to buying various sweat suits with Grant MacEwan University written all over them!
There is an abundance of young men that attend my school. Some are pretty cute, some are really young, and then the rest must have good personalities. haw!haw!haw! No, but really, there are some real cuties there. I have made a couple of friends so far, and am really looking forward to improving my leadership abilities and decision making skills. I think Iam going to make a great CEO someday.
Which reminds me about my job. So, basically I took this temporary job, just to make ends meet until I got back into school. I showed up everyday and worked very hard. Made tons of calls each day, and tried to keep in mind what the Bible says. It says that when you are working, you are to work as if you are working for the Lord, and He will bless you. So I did. And I was blessed. My boss really took notice of me, and pulled me aside to tell me how highly she thought of me, and that I have a permanent position within her company, iof I want it. She told me that my work ethics and my attitude and drive reminded me of her. OF HER? What a compliment! This is a very well known and successful business woman! I was super flattered, and just beaming after she had a talk with me. WOW! Who knows what I will become. Its looking like the possibilities are endless right now! WOW!
Iam finding that the more and more I try to live my life the way God instructs us to, the more my life changes for the better. There is nothing that God can't do. Anyhoo, its good to be blogging again.
Thanks MamaT, for being my number 1 fan!
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