In a School Daze

So, just to make it clear, University Studies is nothing like upgrading. There is alot self teaching in University. There is tons of homework. And there is alot riding on me passing. I have to pass all these courses befor I can begin next term. Oh why! Oh why! Did I get so behind?! And why?Oh why? Am I having a hard time staying interested in this?


I know I dont have many options. I HAVE to finish what I started. Not only is school my only source of income right now, but I know if I quit I will sent tumbling into a spiral of shame and self doubt, and I will have ahard time believeing in myself again. This is such a challenging time of my life.


I seriously need a good slap in the face.


I am not allowing myself to think the worst. It goes against my religion.


I had better just get to school everyday from now on, no matter how comfy and warm my bed is. It's not like I ever really get to sleep in anyways. Not with Ray waking up automatically by 8am everyday. And then it's not enough that she's up, she HAS to crawl into my bed and sit on my head, to make sure I get up with her so I can watch her color and throw balls around the livingroom, and unravel rolls of toliet paper around my used to be clean appartment. With all this snowfall we've had, I am tired even before I walk out the door, knowing I'll have to navigate her HUGE ASS stroller through the snow and ice just to get to daycare, and then have to tranfer to 3 different busses to get to school because I havn't been able to afford to take driving lessons yet, and I am already a 33 year old woman.


But then, when I finally DO arrive at school, I love it there. I sit in the front row of each class, and volunteer my answers to my teachers. And I chill in the library with my new red laptop, and catch up on homework, or look for interesting DVD's to check out, or update my facebook status to something real nerdy. I wave at all the people that I pass by, who are in my classes, and pretend I know their names(which I don't. I'm terrible with names) and I stop by the store to see if there is anything else I could possibly buy that has the name of my school on it.


One day, I will look back on these school days, as THEE DAYS. Just like when I finally moved out of Rehab. While I was there it seemed so boring. But now, looking back, I'm a thinking ..wow. That was awesome. Just had so much time to relax, and chill, and work on myself, and only myself. Had so much time to make scripture cards. Had so much time to read my bible, and take part in bible studies. I miss those days. Thoses were the days, man. Now I feel like I am being pulled in every direction, not sure exactly where I am going, or what I am doing. Not sure where my furture is gonna lead. Not sure if I chose the right carreer. In fact, really thinking I chose wrong. Hoping it's right. But thinking it's wrong. Hoping God can turn this mistake into another miracle, like He always seems to do. Hoping, hoping, hoping.


Real life sucks man. This is way harder than drinking my life away. Way harder. I know it's gonna be worth it in the end though. It has to be.