Nice and fat.

There is always the temptation to listen to that little voice inside that constantly critizes me, but I've found that I don't want to listen to that vioce. I mean, who WANTS to listen to a voice that puts you down all day? Especially when you figure out that you have a choice. You don't have to listen to that crap.
Thats what the Jesus voice tells me anyways. I have found that listening to that positive voice makes my life more enjoyable. After I had Raya, I was fat. I mean, I gained 80 pounds with her. To go from a size 7 to a size 18 has the potential to do alot of harm to a persons self esteem.

I found it a little hard to get used to last summer, right after I had her. I was seriously huge. hahaha  Before I had her, I remember ther feeling of walking down the street and seeing out of the corner of my eyes, peoples heads turning everywhere. It felt good, most of the time. To feel like I had the acceptance of those around me becasue of my good looks and nice body. Sometimes though, it got to be too much and I remember sometimes not wanting all that kind of attention, and so I'd waer incredibly baggy hoodies, and old, worn out flare legged jeans. Well, last summer I did not have to worry about that happening.


I was close to 200 pounds, and wearing big glasses again(something I havn't done for many years), and I felt so unattractive. The funny thing is, there were only some brief moments when I'd feel ugly, and fat, and that was usually when I was with my friend Bex, who had the most georgouse, right out of the magazine body I have ever seen in real life. Walking down the street beside her, I felt so insecure. I'll admit, it felt awful. Espsecially to see that she was getting the kind of looks I used to get.

But as the summer went on, it got easier. I started seeing qualities in myself that I really liked. Iam a very funny person, and enjoy making people laugh. Iam also very stylish, and get compliments on my make-up, and hair and  clothes all the time! Iam also a really caring person, and its really hard to be self -centered when your time is filled up loving other people. So as the summer went on, I became more comfortable with myself, and my hugeness. It also helped that I lived in a houseful of women who really loved me, and supported me, and accepted me for who I was. None of them had ever seen me skinny. They met me when I checked into rehab, when I was 6 months pregnant, so they all had only known me as a larger woman. Cool!

I love who Iam now. I have found a new self esteem, where Iam not judging myself on how I look. Sure, I hope that oneday I will be back into a size 7, but in the meantime, who cares? I  do not have to impress anyone. Iam a real woman, who has a million babies, and nobody really cares how much I weigh, do they? If you do, speak now, or forever hold your piece! haw!haw!haw!

Iam nice and fat. There. I said it.

Why'd she have to be so pretty?

I just found out that my exboyfriend's NEW girlfriend is pretty. Like, really pretty. She has perfect teeth and a really nice body, and is tall and slim.YUCK!

This is the girl that he broke up with me for.  For a long time I couldn't figure it out. I had had alot of conversations with her over emails and facebook and stuff like that, and she was always so insecure over me, thinking I was gonna steal him away from her. So I always assumed she was ugly. LOL  Well, now, 3 years later I can tell you, that is not the case.

We happen to have a couple mutal friends on our facebook list that I didn't know of and I came across her name by chance one day. Curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on her picture and wouldn't you know it, a whole bunch of her photo's popped up. I couldn't help myself from going through every single picture with my jaw dropped to the ground. This was the girl who was jelouse of ME? OMG She's downright beautiful. Maybe a little trashy looking....hehe...but she WAS beautiful.

I don't know why, even after all these years, that it really affected me. I guess it was easier to process getting dumped when I thought she was probably a dog. I'm so glad I didn't know at the time. Sheesh. Serves me right for creeping on her photo's. Lesson learned.