When I first got to Ponoka Mental Institution I was put a room by myself. By the end of the first week I had a roommate. Although I cannot remember her name, I can tell you something very strange about her. This is actually so weird, that I have a hard time wrapping my head around it even now.
At the time this happened, I was living in Wainwright, Alberta, with my boyfriend, and his uncle John. We lived in John's trailer, with their 4 dogs. John's two dog's names were Buster and Otis. And so when I net my new roommate, she seemed very nice, and I couldn't figure out why she was there.
She was very kind and generous. And she talked often of her friend John. Apparently they had come to visit her often, since she came there, and he brought her candy, and pop, and other treats that none of us had. She shared a pepsi with me the first time she met me. Then she started telling me about how he had broght Buster with him the last visit, and Buster was his dog. I couldn't believe it! John and Buster had come to visit her!! And not me!! I was so angry!
I found out shortly, that this was a different John and Buster, because they really did come to visit her, and I saw them with my own eyes. It was not "my" John and Buster. But it was still strange.
Anyways, we shared a room for about two days. I found out that yes, she was crazier than I was, and I had to ask to be moved. I was afraid of her. The first night we had to sleep in the same room I had a dream I will never forget. I sonetimes still wonder if I was really dreaming, or if I somehow accidentally saw the real reality. In my "dream", I had woken up, because something was flahing brightly in my eyes. Like a tiny spotlight shining directly into my closed eyeballs. I opened my eyes, and through the blur, my eyes started to focus, and I saw a machine, about the same size as my hand, directly in front of my face. It was as though it was staring me in the face, watching me. It just hung there in the air, so close to my face that it was almost touching. When my mind began to realize that this was odd, i was starlted back into "our" reality, and found myself, laying in the hospital bed, with my heart pounding in my ears. It was then that I hear some rustling beside me, and there was my roommate, crouched onto the floor, helping invisible beings build something on the floor of our hospital room. "Hey!" I called out to her. But she couldn't hear me. I saw her twisting an invisible steering wheel in front of her, as she was crouched on her knee's on the floor, and I saw her heave an invisible pipe upwards, into the hands of an invisible person. It freaked me out so badly, as I just sat and stared, watching her and a crowd of invisible people building an invisible machine, or city, right in front of my eyes. I ran out of the room and called a nurse, and a nurse came and stopped the building at once, and put my roommate to bed.
I was pretty shook up, and requested a little white pill to help me go back to sleep. The next day I was transferred down the hallway, and got a new roommate who was there because she was suicidal. She had cuts all over her arms, and she stayed in her bed most of the days,unless she was smoking in the smoke room with us, which was rare. She was very nice, and quiet, and I felt safe as I fell asleep at night, and so I stayed in that room.
There was a small group of us who were in the good patients club. If you ask me, most of the people in this club were not crazy. Some maybe were a little touched, but for the most part we were a good bunch. There was one girl who was increadibly beautiful, and she reminded me of a sexy cartoon character, with long black hair, bright green eyes, and full, lucious red lips that curled up when she smiled. She thought she was a very powerful witch, and that her powers had gotten sooo great that "they" had locked her up in there, so she couldn't use her powers. She seemed nice until one day, she said something off hand to me, and I took a swing at her, and we had a mini-cat fight in front of the nurses station. We ignored each other after that.
And then there was my buddy, whats-her-name. She was a very nice girl also, who really, really liked being my friend. We sometimes sat together for meals, and chatted, and we smoked together too. She was part of the good patients club, and when they took us on an outting one day, to the movies, we sat together. I really enjoyed having a friend on the unit. She didn't like leaving the unit however, and so I managed to have a private life besides the time that I shared with her, on the unit.
One day, as I came back to the unit, to eat supper, I noticed there were a couple of new faces on our unit. I didn't bother trying to meet everyone, or even trying to befriend everybody. I mostly kept to myself. But one of the new men asked me in the line up, "What's your name?" I answered him, "Starla. My name is Starla." and he laughed at me, and said, "No it's not!" Confused, I repeated that yes, my name was Starla. And again he laughed, and looked at me like I was crazy, and said,"No it isn't. That's Starla over there." And he pointed across the room at my buddy, who had her short dark hair fashioned into two small braids. " My name is Starla, and I'm a native" I heard her telling one of the other new people. She had assummed my identity, and was introducing herself as me, Starla. So much for my non-crazy friend.
About a week and a half before my 30 days were up, I had another dream that I'm not sure if it was real or not. In my dream, I was being rolled in my hospital bed through the hallways. I could feel the bed rolling along the smooth linolium, and I could hear a baby crying. I tried opening my eyes, but they were blurry with sleep, and I managed to catch a glimpse of who was crying. It was a toddler, but it wasn't a human toddler. It was some sort of species that I've never seen before, and it was standing against a wall with it's mom. The mom was "shushh"ing it, but it continued crying. We were going through some sort of waiting room, and I was being wheeled past a massive, hairy looking spider on a hospital bed like mine. I tried to move my arm from hanging over the edge, afraid that the spider would bite me if my hand brushed against it, and sure enough, as we passed the spider close by, it twitched, and stung me like a scorpian on my left hand, right where the skin stretches between my thumb and forfinger. I still have the scar. ( I woke up with a blood mark the next morning, after this dream) We wheeled into a room, where a strange, human-like man was standing, sneering at me. He was catoonishly fat, and looked more cartoony than real. He seemed to hate me, and I didn't know why. I was stood up to my feet, and the oxygen was sucked outta the room, and I began to float. At first it was quite fun, floating up to the celing, bouncing off the walls, until I noticed that there were strange beings filimng into the room around me, all laughing at jeering at me, and then the trial began.
The strange human'like man with the big bottom started telling the crowd about my sketchy past. Things that I have never addmitted to another human being were coming out of his mouth, and the starge beings were reacting to hearing my wrong deeds. There were things that fat man wre saying that even made me cry, and in my head I was thinking, "How did he know that?" It scared to crap outta me, and I felt embarassed, ashamed and very, very naked. The end of the trial finally came, and the fat thing held up a shiny pair of keys.
"For your brand New car!" he jeered at me. I stopped for a moment, thought about it, and my pride took over. "I don't want your stupid keys, or a stupid car. Just leave me alone." I said defiantly, coming close to tears. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I just wanted to get otta there, and so I was strapped back to the bed, and whelled back to my room. I skipped breakfast that day. And din't get outta bad till noon. I was filled with misery, and shame, and didn't feel like leaving my room.
I noticed my hand hurt, and when I looked down at it, I saw where the spider had bit me. There was a fresh blood scar on it, and I said nothing. I can still see the scar today, and everytime I catch a glimpse of it, I remember this dream as clearly as I have shared it with you. Gone are the feeling of shame and embarrassment. At the time, I needed to feel those things. These days, I have made my peace with my past, and have moved onto better things. I pray I have learning something from my mistakes, and know that Ponoka is far in my past.
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