Failing University

O.k. Maybe this is the doubts I"M not supposed to have. I don't feel like I can share my doubts with many people, so I'll blog about it instead.

School is rough. Last term was a bit challenging, but this term is way worse. I am afraid of math. Like, deathly afraid. My career goal used to be to become a school teacher. I fit the profile perfectly. I aimed my post secondary schooling towards getting into an educational degree in University, that is until I had to upgrade my math. It was so hard. I had to drop to a lower level of math because I couldn't cut it in the higher levels. I ended up having to change my career goal, because I couldn't get the level of math I needed. So here I am, in Business school.

Now it's my second term, and I have to take the 2 classes I was hoping to avoid. Financial Math, and Accounting. It is SO hard. And University goes so so fast. I am having a hard time keeping up, and keeping track of my assignments and homework, and even though I always have homework to be done during the weekend, I simply cannot get any homework done with the baby around. I am starting to get really freaked out. I cannot fail. I can't. It would be too embarrassing, and it would total wreck any kind of self- worth and accomplishment that I have managed to build up in the past few years. I can feel myself sinking. I have high hopes for tomorrow, because it's my day off classes, so I am going to go to school anyways and try and get caught up.

Failing is NOT an option. I cannot go back to working for 13-15 dollars an hour. I cannot go back to doing something I don't enjoy. The whole reason for going to school is to be able to do something I will enjoy and get paid well for. I have so many dreams riding on the fact that I will be graduating with diploma's and certificates. I  love the way my life is going. For the first time ever I  have allowed myself to dream and hope for better things. I want to provide for my family, without depending on a man. I want to be able to apply for a mortgage, and buy a house. I want to be able to put my kids in music lessons. I want to be able to get lasik eye surgery so I don't have to wear ugly glasses for the rest of my life. I want so much out of life, and this is the first time I have actually done something to reach these kinds of goals.

I have come through so much so much in my life and I want to keep going. I have beat addiction, and homelessness and helplessness, and want to find out what life is like being NORMAL. I can't stand the thought of living my life out in poverty again. Living in poverty is AWFUL. It sucks not to have enough money to go for a nice haircut, or go on a trip. It sucks to not be able to buy the things you need for your house. I want so much but I am afraid I don't have what it takes to do good in school.

I guess this serves as my reality check. I really need to find a way to get through this term, and succeed. I need to remember why I am doing this, and most of all, I got to remember that I am a lot smarter than I give myself credit for. Tomorrow is the start of a brand new day, and I am going to go after this with all of my heart.