Addiction from the Other Side

It's so weird. These past few months I have been experiencing addiction from the other side. When you are in that life-style, you are not thinking of those who love you. Your family, your REAL friends, your kids. I know this because I myself used to be an addict. 

My life was totally self-centered, and I was completely self absorbed. All that mattered was me, me ,me. I never took a moment to think about my behavior affected those around me....or those I pushed away and out of my life. 

Since recovering I have had to deal with issues like trust, and I have had to make a huge effort to mend relationships with those people I hurt. Especially the relationship I had with my children. They didn't understand why I had left. They still don't understand the power addiction had over me, and in their mind, I simply abandoned them, because I didn't love them. I struggle on a regular basis, trying to get their trust back, and it hurts. During a fight one time, one of my sons yelled at me, "Ya well, you abandoned us!" and I was stopped dead in my tracks.  I HAD abandoned them. They were so little and innocent, and I left them. Never for one second thinking of how that made them feel. All they knew was that Mommy had left. And that breaks my heart.

I guess I have been having these revelations lately because my own dad is caught up in addiction. This past year I have really bonded with him, and have been delighted to see my little baby girl bonding with her Grandpa. Well, the middle of this summer my dad fell off the wagon and started drinking again. He returned to the streets, and returned to sleeping outside. My dad lives in my area of the city, so these past few months have been hard on me. I would see him, walking down the street with his shopping cart, and see that he was drunk. It broke my heart. I would run into him in the alley from time to time, and he'd be so wasted that I couldn't even talk to him. My baby would want to go see Grandpa, but he was too smashed to pick her up or remember her name. 

He would buzz on my buzzer asking for "change". I had to turn him away and finally, I had to forbid to come to my place, because he was always drunk and begging for money. 

It was really hard for me understand at first. Why would he want to return to the streets when he had a daughter and granddaughter that counted on him? Were we not good enough to stay sober for? Didn't he like the life we had together? And then it got me thinking to how self-centered I used to be. And it made me sad.

Addiction is a horrible disease, and it blinds a person. I know my dad isn't intentionally trying to hurt me. I known that he is looking for an escape from a life that holds no joy for him. I know there were issues at his home that he couldn't seem to resolve. And sometimes running away can seem like a pretty good idea. But the truth is, you have to come back to the real world sometime, and set things right. 

Just like I am trying to do with my sons. I love them so much, and I am so sorry for what I have put them through, and I don't expect them to "forgive and forget". But I am willing to do whatever it takes to let them see the real me. 

I love my dad, and I guess the silver lining in the cloud is the fact that I am seeing it from the other side now. It does hurt to see him hurting himself. It does worry me when I see him on the streets. But thank the Lord, I got a call from daddy a short time ago, and he has returned to his home and is safe and sound tonight. 

I also know that I would never want to put anyone through that again. I am SO aware of how my actions affect others, and I feel confident that the life I left behind is behind me for good. I can't stand the thought of hurting and disappointing the important people in my life again. I am really happy that I got this chance at a normal life and that it's working out good for me.