Death Trip

So, I headed out to Athabasca this past weekend. It's mostly highway driving so I was going around 110 most of the way there. About halfways there, my steering became wobbly. So not cool. I am a new driver and it scared the heck out of me! When I finally got there I phoned up my mechanic friend to tell him about the steering, and he told me it was unsafe to drive like that! 


I was already there, so then I got really scared about the drive back. That night I had a hard time falling asleep. I kept wondering if I was really going to die the next day. I found my camera, and took some pictures of me and my little daughter, just in case we DID die, and people would be able to see how much I adored her. I know I shouldn't have let my mind stay focused on such morbid thoughts, but I couldn't help myself.


I had nearly died 2or 3 times already during my life, when I was into a wilder lifestyle. One of those times I was stabbed. Those times were quite by surprise, and as I contemplated my life this time, I was a little surprised at how at peace I was with the thought. At least I know where I am going after I die, and that took the edge off. But I didn't want to die and leave a baby behind that might not remember how much I adored her. 


Same with my other kids. I would want to live for a little while longer, just so they know how much I adore them too. They are pre teen boys though, and the love of their mother isn't high on the list of priorities. 


I started to imagine my funeral. My little sister, of course, would give a tear-wrenching eulogy. She is such a talented writer, that I know she would have the whole funeral chapel in tears. I would expect that my closest friends would also want to get up there and tell people about the kind of person I am. I wonder if my funeral would be posted as an event on Facebook, so all my family and friends could attend? 


I do have life insurance so I know it would be a lovely funeral, and my kids would be taken care of. Baby would have to go live in Montreal and become a french girl. I hope my friends and family will let her know how much I adored her. 


My mind just kept going and going until finally I was tired of the wondering and waiting. I decided that whatever was going to happen would happen, and that God had everything under control. 


Then I went to sleep.