The End of the Single Months

As I was saying in my previous post, the single life agreed with me alot. I was used to the idea of being single for awhile. But then things got ugly fast. Me and my son had a big blowout and he ran away. I should say that he didn't run very far. He ran upstairs, to be more specific. 

Our upstairs neighbor and my son had struck up a rather inappropriate "friendship". She was a young single mother/ pothead who would text and message my young son on a daily basis with invites for him to go get high everyday, with her, in the backyard garage. I was NOT happy about this relationship and my son knew it. She did too but still showed no respect and kept doing it. 

Well, that day we had the fight my son disappeared. He wasn't home when I got home from work so I gave it a week then called up his social worker. About 2 weeks later I suddenly got a call from Child Protective Services saying "someone" had called in and was scared for my children's safety in our home, and that they had heard that I had been evicted from my home. 

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I calmly explained that no, I had not gotten evicted and that the information they had received was incorrect. I explained that I had a bad upstairs neighbor who was doing drugs with my teenage son, and that I had asked my landlords to let me out of my lease early and that they agreed. The social worker then asked me about my job, and blah blah blah. By the end of the conversation she said she had good idea of what had happened and then told me that it was our upstairs neighbor who had called in and made the complaint. I was pretty angry and upset but continued to look for a new place, determined as ever to get out of there and away from my neighbor.

Even looking back, I just have to shake my head. This immature girl. I just don't understand people like that. Well, around this time I got the news that my ex had been evicted from our old place. He had gotten into a drunken fight with his brother and the police had been called. I was looking on-line everyday looking for places that I could afford as a fabulous single person, but unfortunately, my single budget didn't go very far when I was looking for 2-3 bedroom rentals. 

As my ex started cleaning out our old house and bringing stuff over to my place, we decided to try and make it work again. For the sake of the kids, and mostly for the sake our budgets. Reality stinks. These days we all need all the help we can get financially, and even though I worked 2 jobs, there wasn't much I could afford on my own and still be able to pay all my other bills. So here we were again, house hunting. 

I was determined that we were NOT going to repeat history again with the drinking, so I laid it all out on the table. If there was ANY drinking, he would have to move out immediately. We would find a 3 bedroom home this time and if things went back to the way they were with the drinking, at least I could rent out 1 of the bedrooms if he moved out. So it was agreed. And I started setting up viewings. 

We went and looked at quite a few that we could easily afford. Filled out a few applications and bam, within a week and a half we had signed a new lease with a new landlord, and started packing up. At this time, I was getting calls from my sons school saying he wasn't showing up for school, and I thought to myself, "Of course he's not, He's in the garage smoking pot with his drug sugar mama upstairs until midnight every night." So, finally fed up with the situation, I emailed her from work one day. Telling her I knew he was there with her and to send him home. She replied that she would but that I better watch out if I ever thought about calling the cops on her. Again, I shook my head and just left it at that. I myself, had considered calling social services on her, because she had this baby that she would leave in the bathtub and leave alone upstairs while she was out getting high, but then I would think to myself, no. It's not like the baby will die from being alone. And it's none of my business. 

Anyways, we started packing everything up and I started to looking forward to being in a new home where I could just live peacefully. 

The Single Months

Well, I moved out into my own place mid-December and took my 2 kids with me. I had found a very cheap basement suite right in "the hood" that had 2 bedrooms and shared utilities. It wasn't very far from where I had shared a place with "S"- my ex, so it was easy access when we shuttled our daughter back and forth.

I actually really enjoyed the quiet. That's one of the first things I noticed, was the quiet. The silence. There was no iPhone blaring music or funny cat video's every morning and late at night.

I enjoyed the peace. I enjoyed coming home from work without big knots in my stomach wondering what kid of drama would follow into the evening. I would come home and put on the tv and start cooking supper. I would sit and chat with my kids and see how their day was. I would watch whatever I wanted and when I turned the tv off at 8:30 pm the house would be QUIET. It was wonderful.

I enjoyed the baths. My new suite had a jetted tub. There was a timer on the wall so you could set the timer and hop in the tub and enjoy the feeling of string jetted water caressing your body. I swear to God that if I ever buy a house, I will insist that a jetted tub be installed. Most wonderful invention I have ever experienced. Seriously.

In the first few months that I lived on my own in the new place, me and my teenage son worked out a pretty good system. If he wanted spending money, he could clean a room, and I mean COMPLETELY clean a room, floors, surfaces everything, for $10/room. My place stayed very clean and my son stayed pretty happy with spending money. It was a win-win situation.

Me and my young daughter shared the big bedroom and it was wonderful as well. We had a great bedtime routine. At 8:30pm the big TV in the living room went off. Then we would go get our p.j's on together, (she would laugh at my big belly or bum bum), and then we would crawl up onto the big bed together and read a book together. Sometimes I would play "Mrs. Mommy" with her where she would pretend to be a student and I would pretend to be teacher and I would instruct her to write down certain letters and words and praise her when she did it correctly. It became a favorite game with us and I think it helped her in her letter recognition in Kindergarten as well.

After our reading time, I would put the tv on quietly and watch my fat shows with the volume turned down. I really liked "My 600 Pound Life" and although she was supposed to be trying to go sleep sometimes I would hear "Whoa Mommy! Look at that! Why he so big?" and I would tell her its because he ate too much and not to call people fat because it's not nice.

For 4 months, I lived this new life. I enjoyed it a lot. Being single really agreed with me and I was pretty content. I was still in touch with the ex, because he was still taking our daughter a couple times a week while I worked my second job. Unfortunately, though, he still did not quit drinking. There were a few times where I had to cancel shifts because he was drunk and couldn't take care of her. It made me angry but I started to realize it really was a disease. I talked to my parents about it very honestly one day as I went over to their place for coffee. I knew they really liked him, but I felt I needed to explain to them why I had to move out and break off the engagement.

I heard them talking about it when I went to use the bathroom.
Dad: "Well, it's too bad he can't get help or something. He is SUCH a nice guy"
Mom "Well dear, he can't be too nice if he'd doing all of that."

I came out of the bathroom slightly amused but thinking, "Ya, how nice was he really though...?"

I was ok with being single.I felt free and happy. No worries. Yes, there were times that I got lonely but I had my best friends. And a bonus, I now had kid free time thanks to the days where he would want to take Raya for overnights because he missed her. I actually went out and hung out with the ladies. I didn't attempt dating or anything because to be honest I was enjoying ME time. And I wasn't ready to date and open myself up for a relationship.

I enjoyed the single life for 5 sweet months. And then it all came crashing down.

My Man's Been Drinking Again

My Man’s been a drinking again.

Sent me a text saying “I’m going out with my friends”

Oh, damn, my man’s a drinking again.

I hope he doesn’t come home tonight

Cus I’m so tired of having the same ‘ol fight

My man’s been drinking again

This damn damn man, I don’t what to do

He’s out and drinking while I’m here feeling blue

Been feeling lonely for a month or two

That man’s been drinking again.

Well now it’s time for me to get up and go

It’s time for me to let that man go.

I’ve got better things in life to do

Than sitting around feeling so blue.

That man’s been drinking again.

Oh well.

He’s drinking again.

Oh well.

He came home drunk as a skunk. :(

So tonight my fiance (perhaps ex-fiance) came home incredibly drunk. My stomach has been in knots since he texted me this afternoon saying he was `going out for a drink`. He tends to turn into an asshole when he`s had too many.

So, yes when he got back it started. Slurred speech. Yelling. Trying to pick a fight. Its heartbreaking and it makes me mad and embarrassed. I thought this was over.

We had a big blowout about his drinking about a month and half ago. We had a discussion about our future and it was decided that we don`t have one if the drinking continues. Well, it has.
I need to blog about this because I know there will days when I miss him and our home together and yes, even our relationship. And I need something to back on to remember that things were not always as good as we made them out to be.
When sober, Stacey is a very nice guy. Its true that we never had any kind of deep conversations, or a passionate love for each other. But we were comfortable. It was nice having help with bills, and having someone to come home to at the end of a hards day work. But there was alot of silence. Alot of lonliness. I spend many a night laying in our room alone, watching tv alone, wishing for someone to just come and hold me and cuddle. But it didnt happen.
Its true that he did serve me coffee every morning and at one time he'd kiss me goodnight every night and goodbye every morning. But that stopped months ago, and I guess I did notice, but I never questioned why. Passion started dwindling. And I didn't ask myself why. I just assumed things were fine.
About 2 and a half months ago Stacey was flirting with one of his "friends". He has a very large amount of female friends which I've always been uncomfortable with but he's always assured me that he's trustworthy, so I gave my unconditional trust. Silly silly me. I found a message in his facebook where he was hitting on this "friend" telling her that he thins she's sexy and he loves her boobies, etc. On that same day he sent these messages he was sending ME messages with little hearts and cats kissing. I just dont understand. I feel betrayed and when I asked him why he did that, he said he felt "trapped" and that I get mad when he goes out with his friends. Which is true. I hated him going out with his friends because all they do is drink.
I never intended to fall in love with an alcoholic. I thought he could love his life with me and our daughter more than drinking and partying, but I was very wrong.
I have now found a new place to live and will start moving on Wednesday. I know I shall look on this entry in the future and need to remember why I left.
The stress of having to track down my boyfriend on a constant basis. The stress of having to be around someone abusive everytime he got drunk. The stress of not being able to count on him even coming home. Putting up with someone who would ignore phonecalls and texts from me. Someone who felt trapped by being my partner.
I pray that my heart will heal quickly. I pray that my next boyfriend is kind, and doesnt drink. In fact, that will now be a pre-requisite. I pray that Stace Jacknife will find whatever it is he is looking for. I'm hurt and heartbroken but I've been through alot worse. I'm looking forward to settling into my new place and being free from all this drama.

I'm afraid to be Loved.

I was reading through my friends status updates today when something caught my eye. It was a post by my friend, that said this year she was going to tell herself a positive word for each day, in order to retrain her mind, and ultimately, her self image.

I too, have been thinking of that recently. Although I have made some huge strides in my own self-worth, there is still alot of work to be done. I know that in the past few years I have proven to myself that I am an over-comer, and achiever of a great many things, but there are places in me I have not tried to heal yet.

I am afraid. I am afraid that I am not worthy of being loved. Yikes. That sounds so bad to say out loud, but I am afraid it's true. In order to be loved you must first love yourself. And I am afraid I'm not there yet. Oh, I believe that God loves me. For me, that's easy to believe. But as far as another human being, or more specifically, a hu-MAN, I'm afraid that I will not find somebody for me. 

I've been very happy so far, being single, but lately I've been thinking it would be nice to have a special someone. Someone who knows the difference between a Klingon and a Cardissaian. Someone who's as into Sci-Fi as I am. Someone who truly believes in God. Someone who's idea of a good time is sitting at home, drinking slurpee's and watching T.V. And most of all, someone who thinks I'm the shiz-nit, and would never be tempted to leave me for someone else. *sigh*

This year I really need to work on myself. I need to work on loving myself, and looking in the mirror, and saying "Hey. Your beautiful, and smart and funny, and there is a man out there who would so so lucky to have you." So I am going to TRY. I am going to put effort back into loving me. I don't want someone to like me for what I look like, but for who I really am. 

Here's hoping!

New Years Resolutions 2013

So it's time again to go over last years resolutions and see what I have accomplished (or havn't)!

2012 Resolutions

1. Get Driver's Lisence ( yep! Bought and paid for Driver's Ed and passed my driver's test the 1st time! plus I bought a car and insurance! SCORE!)
2. Pay off tickets (yep! It took 2 installments of $120 each but they are paid off!)
3. Join Writer's Guild (no. :( I didn't put this one down as a priority, but there's always 2013!)
4. Get down to a size 9 (LOL! Umm, not even close. I'm still a chubby bunny but there's always 2013!)
5. Graduate with a 3.8. ( nope again. Business was very difficult for me and I dropped out. )
6. Furnish rest of appartment. (kind of. I still need bed frames.)
7. Start Volunteering. (yes. I volunteered at a soup kitchen I used to frequent when I was homeless.)
8. Memorize 12 scriptures. ( no, I'm dissappointed that this wasn't done.)
9. Go to Montreal.( Unfortunatly no, it was simply too darn expensive now that baby counts as whole person now.)
10. Make a new friend.(Yes! I have made a couple new friends actually! So yay!)
11. Get a new tattoo. (Yes, I now have "Life Eternal" scrawled across my right shoulder blade. Its very pretty and doesn't give that "BUTCH" effect, at all)

So now that 2012 is done and over with, I do feel accomplished, it's time for 2013!

2013 New Years Resolutions

1. Start writing my life story, in a book, for myself, and for those who love me.
2. Get in shape. I'm not going to give myself a peticular size to try and reach, but as long as don't get mistaken for a pregnant woman this year, I'll be happy!
3. Read my bible on a regular basis.
4. Pay off half of my student loan.
5. Get a newer vehicle.
6. Make a thoughtful decision on my dream career.
7. Learn to save instead of spend.

There. Now I shall put these goals on my wall, so I dont forget them. Here's hoping to another sucessful year of being me.

I started smoking again... :(

I started smoking again. About 4 months ago. It feels like 4 years. I don't know why I even started again. I guess it was the stress of school, but one day, I found myself at the 7-11, buying a pack of John Players. It was like I had never quit. The taste and the feel of smoking appealed to me immediaetly. The only thing I really noticed that it made my clothes and hair stink. At first I only smoked at school, but then I started craving cigarettes at home. So I started smoking beside my open livingroom window, always making sure to blow outside, and then spray febreeze all over my living room, to remove any traces the smoke left in my once fresh smelling appartment. 

Now I just dont care. I smoke all the time. In fact, I'm sucking one back right now. And the thing is, I feel super guilty, but I just can't stop. 

I just needed to get that off my chest. 

Addiction from the Other Side

It's so weird. These past few months I have been experiencing addiction from the other side. When you are in that life-style, you are not thinking of those who love you. Your family, your REAL friends, your kids. I know this because I myself used to be an addict. 

My life was totally self-centered, and I was completely self absorbed. All that mattered was me, me ,me. I never took a moment to think about my behavior affected those around me....or those I pushed away and out of my life. 

Since recovering I have had to deal with issues like trust, and I have had to make a huge effort to mend relationships with those people I hurt. Especially the relationship I had with my children. They didn't understand why I had left. They still don't understand the power addiction had over me, and in their mind, I simply abandoned them, because I didn't love them. I struggle on a regular basis, trying to get their trust back, and it hurts. During a fight one time, one of my sons yelled at me, "Ya well, you abandoned us!" and I was stopped dead in my tracks.  I HAD abandoned them. They were so little and innocent, and I left them. Never for one second thinking of how that made them feel. All they knew was that Mommy had left. And that breaks my heart.

I guess I have been having these revelations lately because my own dad is caught up in addiction. This past year I have really bonded with him, and have been delighted to see my little baby girl bonding with her Grandpa. Well, the middle of this summer my dad fell off the wagon and started drinking again. He returned to the streets, and returned to sleeping outside. My dad lives in my area of the city, so these past few months have been hard on me. I would see him, walking down the street with his shopping cart, and see that he was drunk. It broke my heart. I would run into him in the alley from time to time, and he'd be so wasted that I couldn't even talk to him. My baby would want to go see Grandpa, but he was too smashed to pick her up or remember her name. 

He would buzz on my buzzer asking for "change". I had to turn him away and finally, I had to forbid to come to my place, because he was always drunk and begging for money. 

It was really hard for me understand at first. Why would he want to return to the streets when he had a daughter and granddaughter that counted on him? Were we not good enough to stay sober for? Didn't he like the life we had together? And then it got me thinking to how self-centered I used to be. And it made me sad.

Addiction is a horrible disease, and it blinds a person. I know my dad isn't intentionally trying to hurt me. I known that he is looking for an escape from a life that holds no joy for him. I know there were issues at his home that he couldn't seem to resolve. And sometimes running away can seem like a pretty good idea. But the truth is, you have to come back to the real world sometime, and set things right. 

Just like I am trying to do with my sons. I love them so much, and I am so sorry for what I have put them through, and I don't expect them to "forgive and forget". But I am willing to do whatever it takes to let them see the real me. 

I love my dad, and I guess the silver lining in the cloud is the fact that I am seeing it from the other side now. It does hurt to see him hurting himself. It does worry me when I see him on the streets. But thank the Lord, I got a call from daddy a short time ago, and he has returned to his home and is safe and sound tonight. 

I also know that I would never want to put anyone through that again. I am SO aware of how my actions affect others, and I feel confident that the life I left behind is behind me for good. I can't stand the thought of hurting and disappointing the important people in my life again. I am really happy that I got this chance at a normal life and that it's working out good for me. 

My first "Grown Up" job.

Alas, another new chapter in my life has finally begun. I have recently been employed at, what I fondly refer to, as a "grown-up" job. It's actually a career opportunity. Which is exciting. 

After a grueling term at University, in classes that I dreaded completely, I decided to take a nice long break from school, and work my butt off to pay back the rather large student loan I have acquired. I started applying for office jobs, which I have been trained for. Lo and behold, after putting my resume on-line, I started receiving the job offers. 

I told myself that I was going to be picky, and set a price in my head that I wouldn't budge from. I headed off to interviews, telling my would-be employers that I would not work for anything less than $16/hour. On the third day of interviews, I headed to one that I had no idea even what the job entailed. My interview went smashing. At the end, they asked me straight out what my expected salary was, and in a very firm voice I said, "I will work for no less that $16 an hour." They looked at each other and told me what starting salary was, and I was shocked. Wow. When can I start?!

Needless to say, I accepted the position and have been there for a week so far! It's a great job. So much better than what I was expecting! For so much more than I have ever made before! I should have my loan paid off in no time, and then I can start saving for a down payment on a house! Life just keeps getting better and better!

I still drive to work in the morning with a huge and silly grin on my face! I am a grown up now! I have a grown up job, and grown up dreams! And I even dress like a grown up now for work! (because of the super strict dress code!) I just feel like life is really starting for me, and I couldn't be happier! 

Years ago, I never would have thought that I could get the kind of life I have always dreamed about. Really. I have always had dreams of owning my own house and my own car, and vacationing in cool places. I never dared to allow myself to dream. It just seemed like there were too many obstacles in my life, and most of all, I never believed a girl like me deserved a good kind of life. Things have changed so much over the past few years. The way I see myself is different. My outlook on life has changed. And I can see myself reaching my goals very easily now. Its no longer a matter of "Can I?", but now it's a matter of "When am I...?" 

No matter how bad my life used to be, I wouldn't change it for the world. I lived through alot of heartbreak, and abuse, and generally, the tough life, but now that I am finally experiencing good things, it just makes me all the more grateful for the good and simple things in my life. Like driving. Like working. Like having opportunities to give people hope and encouragement. Grateful. Grateful. Grateful. That's what I am. I thank the Lord above EVERY SINGLE DAY for my life. I really do. 

I am looking forward to seeing where life is going to take me next. For now though, I'm gonna relax on my couch, and just enjoy this moment. I have a good life. AMEN!

I was homeless 3 years ago.

It's sometimes hard to believe that 3 years ago, I was suffering from alcoholism and extreme depression. I still remember it well. I am so grateful for the past 3 years. I have been given time to heal, and to get to know who I really am. I successfully completed a 2 year rehab program, and finished my high school upgrading. I joined the workforce for a short time and excelled in my position. I then went on to University studies. The first term I kicked ass in, and this last term, I was faced the reality of my own abilities. I found out the hard way that you should never follow dreams others may have for you. I know that I was trying to get my business diploma for all the wrong reasons, and it turned out that I failed.

I learned that failing is ok and that it's not the end of the world. It simply means that business is not what I was meant to do. It may have been an expensive mistake, but again, it's not the end of the world.

Now that school is almost over I have gone to back to work. For now I'm working at my old job, but as of August, I will be working a new, high paying job in an office environment. I will get to wear suits to work, and have full benefits. I really am so so happy that I am finally on the road I have dreamed about being on for most of my adult life.

I have come such a long ways, and I am so happy to see my life choices paying off for me finally. There was a time in my life when I believed I was worth nothing. I never used to dream for myself. I remember when even driving a car seemed like a far fetched dream. And look at me now.

I am happy, and hopeful for the future. I am going to start realizing what life is like being financially stable. I'm going to travel. I'm going to own my very own home with my very own money. I am going to be able to build up savings for me and my children's futures.

All in all, I strongly believe that my belief in my higher power has given me the strength to make changes in my life. I wanted to change for a really long time. I remember so badly wanting to have a normal life, back when I was dating a pretty normal guy. I just didn't fit into his normal world though, and it, of course, didn't work out. But I remember first getting a taste of the normal life, and it was then that the first seeds of hope for a future started to take root. I tried, on my own for a year after that, and got nowhere. I just couldn't stop myself from drinking and self destructing. It was like a more powerful force was in control of me.

The moment I cried out loud, to God, and asked HIM to take control of my life, that everything started changing. My outlook on life. My addictions. My ability to care for myself. EVERYTHING changed. It has been a wonderful 3 years. I am so happy right now, and super excited to see where God takes me next! Yay!