Dear Me,

Dear Me,


I know your starting to give in to doubt. I know that your not sure if you are doing the right thing in school. I know it's hard. I know that you are wishing that you never started. But don't. Don't give up. Keep on going! Yes, it's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. Even if you just make it to the end if this term, you can be proud to know that you did it! 


You need to remember that God is in control and He will never let you down. Even if you are going down the wrong path, He can turn it around for you. Good for you for at least going forward! There is a calling on your life. You are going to do some pretty cool things with your life. This is just the beginning. Don't quit and don't give up. I beg you not to give up and be all that God wants you to be. 


Don't give in to fear or doubt. Don't sell yourself short. 


You only have a month and a half left. You are already half ways through! You can do it. Spend more time in prayer. Ask for what you need. If you need strength, ask God for it! If you need dicipline, then yes, ask for that too. If you need more direction, THEN simply ask. 


Take more moments to look back on your life and marvel in how far you have come in such a short time. You know that your God is responsible for that, and you know that He is not going to suddenly disown you. He will be your God forever. No matter what. You are His beloved child, and you have absolutely nothing to fear. 


Keep going. You CAN do it.


Love you.


From Me

Death Trip

So, I headed out to Athabasca this past weekend. It's mostly highway driving so I was going around 110 most of the way there. About halfways there, my steering became wobbly. So not cool. I am a new driver and it scared the heck out of me! When I finally got there I phoned up my mechanic friend to tell him about the steering, and he told me it was unsafe to drive like that! 


I was already there, so then I got really scared about the drive back. That night I had a hard time falling asleep. I kept wondering if I was really going to die the next day. I found my camera, and took some pictures of me and my little daughter, just in case we DID die, and people would be able to see how much I adored her. I know I shouldn't have let my mind stay focused on such morbid thoughts, but I couldn't help myself.


I had nearly died 2or 3 times already during my life, when I was into a wilder lifestyle. One of those times I was stabbed. Those times were quite by surprise, and as I contemplated my life this time, I was a little surprised at how at peace I was with the thought. At least I know where I am going after I die, and that took the edge off. But I didn't want to die and leave a baby behind that might not remember how much I adored her. 


Same with my other kids. I would want to live for a little while longer, just so they know how much I adore them too. They are pre teen boys though, and the love of their mother isn't high on the list of priorities. 


I started to imagine my funeral. My little sister, of course, would give a tear-wrenching eulogy. She is such a talented writer, that I know she would have the whole funeral chapel in tears. I would expect that my closest friends would also want to get up there and tell people about the kind of person I am. I wonder if my funeral would be posted as an event on Facebook, so all my family and friends could attend? 


I do have life insurance so I know it would be a lovely funeral, and my kids would be taken care of. Baby would have to go live in Montreal and become a french girl. I hope my friends and family will let her know how much I adored her. 


My mind just kept going and going until finally I was tired of the wondering and waiting. I decided that whatever was going to happen would happen, and that God had everything under control. 


Then I went to sleep.

The Voice of God

Mid terms again. Oh boy. I am still struggling in Financial Math BUT I stayed up till midnight last night working on my assignments. Your allowed to do them over 3 times and the teacher will give you credit for the highest mark. So there I sat, calculating and sweating, only to find out that everytime I did the assignment I got exactly the same mark. Oh well. At least I tried, and at least I passed. 

I did have a "EUREKA!" moment though. At midnight, as I sat in front of my text book and bawled, a thought suddenly entered my head. I tried. I tried really really hard. Now that I am living my life FOR God, my whole way of thinking has changed. I am going to school to be able get the skills I need to one day run a place that will help people get out of life situations that are not good. Homelessnesss, addiction, abuse. If God is the one who has placed this dream into my soul, the He will help me get there. I realized at midnight last night, that God is in control of my life. Because I have given Him permission to lead me in everything I do. My God has not failed me once yet. That same voice that I heard last night telling me it's ok because  at least tried, is the same voice that told me to leave my old world behind 3 years ago. That voice has directed my life since then. It whispered to my soul that I should go to rehab. It encouraged me to go to school. It directed me to be wise with my money, and even opened doors for me to recieve grants and bursaries and scholorships, that I have been getting ever since I started my educational journey. 

That same gentle loving voice was there when I had my baby. When I was going through labour in the hospital room alone, I knew I was NOT alone, because I could hear that voice telling me to breath, and to push. That voice was the same one that told me to go call my Nanny and Papa that day I was sitting in the alley, with nowhere to sleep. That little voice has been with me through thick and thin these past few years and has never let me down. 

That voice encourages me throughout the day, in whatever I am doing. And that voice sometimes brings certain people to my mind so I can pray for them. It's amazing just how much God will come and be a part of your life, if you give Him permission to do so. In my case, I have given my heart, and my mind, and my life, and if you know me and follow my posts, you can see for yourself, that my life does nothing but improve for the better. 

Anyways, enough chat for now. The voice is telling me I need to work on some school work! 

Good things Are Worth the Wait.

It still seems so surreal, being able to drive. I went and picked up my sons this weekend, for the first time, in my car. They, of course, being the little smart alec's they are, made fun of my poor beater, but as we started driving, they started complimenting me. "Wow, she's not as bad as I thought she'd be." said my one son. "Actually, she's pretty good." my other son replied. I felt a warm surge of pride in my heart, as my boys discussed my driving from the back seat. 


We had a great weekend together, and I took them shopping and on sunday, to church. I drove them to go out for lunch, and then finally, I drove them home. Their dad came out to check out my new whells, and of course, did the guy thing, and looked under the hood. He instructed me on oil and brake fluid and sent me off to walmart to pick up supplies for the car, and then filled everything up for me. He even tried to fix my poor glove compartment, which hangs down, wide open, all the time. He stuck it back with duct tape, and offered to help me anytime I need maintenance with my beater. It was a great day.


Now that I have been driving for a few days, I'm starting to feel a little more comfortable. The car is a good car, except a few minor problems. The seat bealts don't work, and the seat doesn't adjust. Plus it's just all rickety in side. My real mechanic has offered to do a trade in for my car and give me one that's good to go. It's not as pretty as my current car, but it's all fixed up. So in 2 weeks I'll say goodbye to intrepid, and hello to a new Taurus. The taurus should last me a few years, and in the meanwhile I can save my money for any kind of car I really want. 


This whole driving experience has really brought my life to a new level. I can't really explain how much more responsible and grown -up I feel. Up until now, it's like I've skipped a rite of passage that most young people do in their late teens and early 20's. Getting their own car. Now, at 33 years I am have finally reached that rite of passage and I feel so blessed and happy, and excited. 


Good things are worth waiting for. 


Next on the list : A Husband.

And then He smiled at me...

This morning, at school, I was so incredibly nervous and stressed out. I am behind in all my classes (yet again) and had my driving test this afternoon. Although I did take driving lessons I was still so nervous because ever since my last lesson, almost 3 weeks ago, I havn't even touched a car. So anyhoo...


I went in for my test today, and had to drive my instructors car, because mine isn't insured yet. It was an older, Mercedes Benz, and the gears and parking brakes and controls were vastly different from the car that I did my drivers training in. I was sweating bullets. Thank goodness that my instructor was easy going and made some nice small talk before we started the test, so I wasn't AS nervous when the test began. I pulled out and got a feeling for the car. The Benz has a really soft gas pedal so I had to find that sweet spot where your gassing and braking in a fluid like style. At first it was hard to find, and I lurched out onto the main road like a newbie, but quickly recovered at the next turn, and redeemed myself by making a totally smooth, right hand turn. Only 3 minutes into the test I was asked to do a parallel park, and my days of driving with my instructor came back to me like a warm flood. Step by step, I correctly and expertly eased his car perfectly behind a Gray minivan, and parked. My instructor praised me with a hearty, "Well Done!" and I tried not to let the compliment get to my head.


The rest of the driving test went really good and I was only warned once when I accidentally put on my right signal to pull out of a park, instead of my left. Oooopsie.


As we pulled back into the parking lot, my heart was racing. I parked his car, and watched him making marks on a clipboard. He finally looked over at me with a smile and simply said, "Yes."


"What?! Yes? You mean I passed?" I asked him excitedly.


"Yes. You passed!" he replied.


I lifted up my fists and shook them in the air in a victory arm shake, and whooped! "YES! $700 worth of driving lessons has paid off! YES!" And my instructor just laughed and then showed me my mistakes.


After I recieved my lisence, I started making my way towards the bus stop, and as I was walking, on this gray and rainy day, I remembered to thank my God for helping me reach this goal. I had spent the whole morning praying and asking Him to help me remember the rules of the road, and to guide me in my decisions, and I was amazed and happy that He came through for me. As I was walking I couldn't take the smile off of my face, and I looked up into the sky, where I always imagine God to be, and I whispered, "Thank you God. Thank you for helping do this." As I kept walking I could almost feel His presence with me, and I got a thought in the back of my mind.


I remembered the days when I first really started to believe in God, and would ask for things like rain for a farmer's field, or that I would catch a fish. Juvenile things I would ask for, just to see if God would answer. And the funny thing is, He would! I don't know why, but as you start growing in your Christian walk, asking for redicilous things doesn't occur to you anymore. For some reason you start thinking it's too childish to ask God to do silly things, just for you. But today, I caught myself wishing for God to make the sunshine peek out of from under all the gray clouds, just to let ME know that He's smiling at me. As soon as the childish thought entered my conscience, I quickly tried to push it out of my head, but right at that moment, guess what? The sun suddenly appeared, for a few brief moments, and shone down on me, like I was the only person here on earth. I immediately started crying tears of joy, as I knew in my own heart that THAT WAS GOD< smiling down on me PERSONALLY. I knew it was God. I knew He had me in His sights today. I know my God is real and alive.


I thank Him for moments like this when He makes you feel like you are the only person in the world and that He loves YOU. Amen and Praise the Lord.


What a fantastic day.

A Brand New Day!

Wow. Was I ever depressed last night. It was awful. Just allowing my head to get filled up with doubts and fears. I was seriously almost in tears imagining the very worst that could have happened. All I know is that after I wrote my last post I saw my fears and insecurities right in front of me, in black and white, and was able to acknowledge them. It was so helpful. So helpful.


I know that I am well known for being the positive voice, and in times when I'm not feeling very positive, I almost feel lost. Anyhoo, I know for a fact that a friend of mine was praying for me last night/this morning, and when I got up, I felt really good. I felt positive again. I later checked my fb and found a message from my friend saying she had been thinking about me and praying for me, and more specifically, for my school. She's a student mom too, and understands how hard our life is juggling school and home and kids. Anyways, it was like a big nod from God Himself, saying "Hello my child. I know your struggling and I am here for you. I will help you. I will strengthen you." That's the kind of God I serve.


I have been so delighted today, as I have been catching up in my homework. I realized that I am not as far behind as I thought I was, and that I havn't even missed many assignments yet. I am still in good standing! Such a relief.


It's crazy how fear can INFECT the mind. Fear had me dreading my future. Fear had me scared of failing. Fear had me thinking the worst senerios ever. And in reality, things were not that awful. Praise the Lord, that He is with me, and that He see's when I am struggling. I can't imagine living  a life all alone with no contact with God. I cannot imagine how lonely one must feel, to be all alone in the world. I don't ever want to go back to having no faith in anything.


These days are only doable because I KNOW I have a higher power leading me in different path. When I am lonely I pray. When I am scared, I pray. When I need help studying, I pray. When I need money, I pray. When I need work, I pray. When I need patience, I pray. I guess you could say I pray about everything. And my life shows it. This is the life of a praying woman who believes in God with all her heart. Only good things have come from praying.


Lovin' it.

Failing University

O.k. Maybe this is the doubts I"M not supposed to have. I don't feel like I can share my doubts with many people, so I'll blog about it instead.

School is rough. Last term was a bit challenging, but this term is way worse. I am afraid of math. Like, deathly afraid. My career goal used to be to become a school teacher. I fit the profile perfectly. I aimed my post secondary schooling towards getting into an educational degree in University, that is until I had to upgrade my math. It was so hard. I had to drop to a lower level of math because I couldn't cut it in the higher levels. I ended up having to change my career goal, because I couldn't get the level of math I needed. So here I am, in Business school.

Now it's my second term, and I have to take the 2 classes I was hoping to avoid. Financial Math, and Accounting. It is SO hard. And University goes so so fast. I am having a hard time keeping up, and keeping track of my assignments and homework, and even though I always have homework to be done during the weekend, I simply cannot get any homework done with the baby around. I am starting to get really freaked out. I cannot fail. I can't. It would be too embarrassing, and it would total wreck any kind of self- worth and accomplishment that I have managed to build up in the past few years. I can feel myself sinking. I have high hopes for tomorrow, because it's my day off classes, so I am going to go to school anyways and try and get caught up.

Failing is NOT an option. I cannot go back to working for 13-15 dollars an hour. I cannot go back to doing something I don't enjoy. The whole reason for going to school is to be able to do something I will enjoy and get paid well for. I have so many dreams riding on the fact that I will be graduating with diploma's and certificates. I  love the way my life is going. For the first time ever I  have allowed myself to dream and hope for better things. I want to provide for my family, without depending on a man. I want to be able to apply for a mortgage, and buy a house. I want to be able to put my kids in music lessons. I want to be able to get lasik eye surgery so I don't have to wear ugly glasses for the rest of my life. I want so much out of life, and this is the first time I have actually done something to reach these kinds of goals.

I have come through so much so much in my life and I want to keep going. I have beat addiction, and homelessness and helplessness, and want to find out what life is like being NORMAL. I can't stand the thought of living my life out in poverty again. Living in poverty is AWFUL. It sucks not to have enough money to go for a nice haircut, or go on a trip. It sucks to not be able to buy the things you need for your house. I want so much but I am afraid I don't have what it takes to do good in school.

I guess this serves as my reality check. I really need to find a way to get through this term, and succeed. I need to remember why I am doing this, and most of all, I got to remember that I am a lot smarter than I give myself credit for. Tomorrow is the start of a brand new day, and I am going to go after this with all of my heart.

Success can be measured

Oh my gosh. How exciting. I was just reading through old posts and felt the need to update my status! I started driving lessons this month. It was really expensive but so worth the time and money. I will be taking my drivers test in a couple of weeks, and then be getting my car insured! I will finally be a GOOD driver. Driving lessons were kind of funny. My dad is a very agressive driver, and unfortuntaly I must have picked up on a couple of his bad habits, like gunning the gas when I see an orange light. My instructor chastised me for my agressive driving enough times now, that I am very aware of speeding. I can paraleel park like a pro, and have actually practiced driving in full-on rush hour too! I am so so excited to start driving next month, and just hope I can put a cap on my spending so I have enough money for my first insurance payment!


I already have my first road trip planned and I can't wait to start driving out to Athabasca and Barrhead to visit my family more often. Since I moved to the city I only see them 4 or 5 times a year, which is rediculous seeing as how they only live an hour and a half away. And driving to school is going to be HEAVEN. Right now I am having to be up by 5AM, so I can have me and Ray out the door by 6:30am, and at school by 8. With my lisence, it will only take 20 minutes to drive to school!! SO SO EXCITED!


This really has been a life long goal for me, driving. It feels like I am still a child in so many ways, not having a lisence. For my city family functions, they always have to make arrangements to come pick me up or drop me off and it makes me feel like such a loser. I am really really proud of myself for going after this dream with everything I got, and being almost there. It's an exciting time in my life.


As for school, this term is going a bit better than last term. I am taking much harder courses, but I have way more time to work on them. I spend all day at school, in the library, actually doing my home work. I have a really freat Financial Math teacher who gives free tutoring, so I am actually thinking, I just might be able to graduate with a high mark. As I approached this term, I knew that I wanted to do things better. Last term, near the end, I totally started slacking off, but thankfully, it didn't affect my marks.


During this last school break, I didn't work. I stayed home. Took Rayz to daycare, and enjoyed cleaning my house, and doing NOTHING! It was the best thing I had ever done, and by the time school started again, I felt refreshed.


Anyhoo, better go get my baby. I miss her chubby face.

Booze Be Gone

I am so sick of this sea-saw. I am so mad, and disappointed, and sad all at the same time. My parents need help.
Alcoholism has been part of the family since even before I was born. My mom and dad are self proclaimed alcoholics. I had just gotten used to it, not really expecting anything to ever change. That was the way they were and that was it. I loved them any ways. No matter what. To tell you truth, I had never spent too much time with either of them when they were sober. Back in 2006 my mom was doing quite well, with her own appartment and furnishings. Her and her "ol man" at the time had finally moved out of the dive hotel they were living in, and had gotten themselves a nice place on the west end. Both of them had kind of calmed down, and wern't drinking heavily. Probably because there wasn't alot of extra money left after rent was paid, and bills were paid, but it was nice. I remember going to mom's house and drinking coffee, and smoking cigarettes, as we would take turns playing her old school Nintendo. I was wild back then and would always be out drinking with my friends and come home to pass out on her couch.

When my mom was sober, she was quieter than her usual bellering self. She was kind of nice. She was constantly cleaning and cooking and teasing her boyfriend. It was the best I had ever seen her. But eventually, the drive to drink and party starting coming back and fucking up her life. And down she fell. Rock bottom.

That was a long time ago, and now that she's living out of the city, I never see her. But I do her, when she calls. Although the phone calls have become less and less, I still cringe when I pick up a call from "Gamma". She's always drunk. Sometimes only a little bit, and sometimes rip roaring drunk. Swearing and crying. Oh boy.

As for my dad, I never expected him to change at all. My dad's been an alcoholic for all his life, and seem's quite happy. He's homeless, more times than not, and is the most popular guy in the inner city. A kind of skid-row celebrity. He's forever making jokes about anything and everything, and when he was on the street, he always had a crowd of friends following him where ever he went. I love my daddy dearly. When I got to rehab a couple years ago, I started thinking about him, wondering where he was. I had heard that a homeless man was found dead in a bus stop down town, and had a total panic attack. I was crying, and weeping, and praying and pleading with God to please not let it be daddy. It turned out to be a close friend of my fathers. His best friend. That experience shook me to the core, and I started praying for my dad regularly. It must have shook him to the core too, because shortly after that, my dad checked into a rehab centre, and stayed out there for a time. I found out when I saw his girlfriend one day, walking by my rehab centre. I asked her how my dad was doing and if she knew where he was. She gave me the number to where he was and a few months later, my dad was living down the street from where I was living.

Because I am a believer, I don't believe in accidents. I fully believe that there was a higher power at work here, and that God answered my prayers. For the first time in my life I got to know my REAL dad. I found out he was gentle, and still funny, and very caring. My dad was still a great guy when he was drinking, but I love love love the sober side of him way more. I have had the awesome experience of having dinner with him, and having normal conversations with him. We have taken the kids to the park together and he comes over for coffee all the time. He has even become Raya's very favourite babysitter, and really, the only male father figure in her life. I adore my dad. He's been sober for 2 years now, but falls off the wagon every now and then.

Today was one of those days. It makes me so sad to see him drunk now. It's like my sober daddy is gone, and replaced with this sloppy mess of a man. He's a shell. I hate it. I know he'll be ok, but it's just frustrating that he goes back to that bottle every time. Last time he slipped off the wagon, he ended up breaking his ribs and falling asleep in my dumpster. I accidentally found him when I went to take my garbage out and threw it on him.

I am praying for both my parents tonight. I used to be a fall down drunk too. I really was. There was a time when I thought if I died, I had better at least be drunk and happy when I passed. And then it almost really happened, and my perspective started to change. I called out to God to save me from myself and He listened. This time I am making that same call, on behalf of my parents.

Spring Cleaning

I should have taken my girl to daycare today. I wanted so badly to get things done around the house, and she makes it next to impossible to do anything. Ah well. It's too late now. Even as I write this I am eyeballing my kitchen shelves, knowing that when I'm done, I will have a garbage bag full of old "treasures" to throw away. I wouldn't call myself a hoarder, but I sometimes wonder why I keep every single piece of junk that someone gives me. It's like my baby's blankets. Before and right after I had her, people started showering me with baby blankets and stuffed animals, so now, when it time to de-clutter my linen closets and toyboxes, I still have a ton left over, because I feel guilty for giving away peoples presents. 


It's funny that when your just starting out, like I was back in September, people give you the oddest things. Little ornaments, and fake plants, etc. Things I normally would never have bought myself suddenly have become these weird "treasures" in my home. Well, I live in a very tiny appartment and there is absolutly no room for extra treasures anymore. I am starting to feel calastraphobic in my own home, and I must do something before next term begins. I found that this last semester I was easily distracted from my studies to clean and organize constantly. I envy those minimilast homes where there is no clutter anywhere. Never do you see piles of papers, and mail strewn across the clean glass table tops, or hundreds of my little pony's peeking out of every couch cushion. 


I still have boxes that havn't been unpacked in my bedroom closet, and I'm starting to wonder if I really need anything in those boxes. I don't seem to have needed anything in them yet, and I have living here for a good 8 months. I can't wait to get started. It will be like a boulder being lifted off my shoulders to get my place in order. In between school, and working, I havn't had the time or energy to get this imporatnt task done yet.


Oh, by the way. I totally rocked my Management final exam. 93%. Surprised even myself.