I started smoking again... :(

I started smoking again. About 4 months ago. It feels like 4 years. I don't know why I even started again. I guess it was the stress of school, but one day, I found myself at the 7-11, buying a pack of John Players. It was like I had never quit. The taste and the feel of smoking appealed to me immediaetly. The only thing I really noticed that it made my clothes and hair stink. At first I only smoked at school, but then I started craving cigarettes at home. So I started smoking beside my open livingroom window, always making sure to blow outside, and then spray febreeze all over my living room, to remove any traces the smoke left in my once fresh smelling appartment. 

Now I just dont care. I smoke all the time. In fact, I'm sucking one back right now. And the thing is, I feel super guilty, but I just can't stop. 

I just needed to get that off my chest. 

Addiction from the Other Side

It's so weird. These past few months I have been experiencing addiction from the other side. When you are in that life-style, you are not thinking of those who love you. Your family, your REAL friends, your kids. I know this because I myself used to be an addict. 

My life was totally self-centered, and I was completely self absorbed. All that mattered was me, me ,me. I never took a moment to think about my behavior affected those around me....or those I pushed away and out of my life. 

Since recovering I have had to deal with issues like trust, and I have had to make a huge effort to mend relationships with those people I hurt. Especially the relationship I had with my children. They didn't understand why I had left. They still don't understand the power addiction had over me, and in their mind, I simply abandoned them, because I didn't love them. I struggle on a regular basis, trying to get their trust back, and it hurts. During a fight one time, one of my sons yelled at me, "Ya well, you abandoned us!" and I was stopped dead in my tracks.  I HAD abandoned them. They were so little and innocent, and I left them. Never for one second thinking of how that made them feel. All they knew was that Mommy had left. And that breaks my heart.

I guess I have been having these revelations lately because my own dad is caught up in addiction. This past year I have really bonded with him, and have been delighted to see my little baby girl bonding with her Grandpa. Well, the middle of this summer my dad fell off the wagon and started drinking again. He returned to the streets, and returned to sleeping outside. My dad lives in my area of the city, so these past few months have been hard on me. I would see him, walking down the street with his shopping cart, and see that he was drunk. It broke my heart. I would run into him in the alley from time to time, and he'd be so wasted that I couldn't even talk to him. My baby would want to go see Grandpa, but he was too smashed to pick her up or remember her name. 

He would buzz on my buzzer asking for "change". I had to turn him away and finally, I had to forbid to come to my place, because he was always drunk and begging for money. 

It was really hard for me understand at first. Why would he want to return to the streets when he had a daughter and granddaughter that counted on him? Were we not good enough to stay sober for? Didn't he like the life we had together? And then it got me thinking to how self-centered I used to be. And it made me sad.

Addiction is a horrible disease, and it blinds a person. I know my dad isn't intentionally trying to hurt me. I known that he is looking for an escape from a life that holds no joy for him. I know there were issues at his home that he couldn't seem to resolve. And sometimes running away can seem like a pretty good idea. But the truth is, you have to come back to the real world sometime, and set things right. 

Just like I am trying to do with my sons. I love them so much, and I am so sorry for what I have put them through, and I don't expect them to "forgive and forget". But I am willing to do whatever it takes to let them see the real me. 

I love my dad, and I guess the silver lining in the cloud is the fact that I am seeing it from the other side now. It does hurt to see him hurting himself. It does worry me when I see him on the streets. But thank the Lord, I got a call from daddy a short time ago, and he has returned to his home and is safe and sound tonight. 

I also know that I would never want to put anyone through that again. I am SO aware of how my actions affect others, and I feel confident that the life I left behind is behind me for good. I can't stand the thought of hurting and disappointing the important people in my life again. I am really happy that I got this chance at a normal life and that it's working out good for me. 

My first "Grown Up" job.

Alas, another new chapter in my life has finally begun. I have recently been employed at, what I fondly refer to, as a "grown-up" job. It's actually a career opportunity. Which is exciting. 

After a grueling term at University, in classes that I dreaded completely, I decided to take a nice long break from school, and work my butt off to pay back the rather large student loan I have acquired. I started applying for office jobs, which I have been trained for. Lo and behold, after putting my resume on-line, I started receiving the job offers. 

I told myself that I was going to be picky, and set a price in my head that I wouldn't budge from. I headed off to interviews, telling my would-be employers that I would not work for anything less than $16/hour. On the third day of interviews, I headed to one that I had no idea even what the job entailed. My interview went smashing. At the end, they asked me straight out what my expected salary was, and in a very firm voice I said, "I will work for no less that $16 an hour." They looked at each other and told me what starting salary was, and I was shocked. Wow. When can I start?!

Needless to say, I accepted the position and have been there for a week so far! It's a great job. So much better than what I was expecting! For so much more than I have ever made before! I should have my loan paid off in no time, and then I can start saving for a down payment on a house! Life just keeps getting better and better!

I still drive to work in the morning with a huge and silly grin on my face! I am a grown up now! I have a grown up job, and grown up dreams! And I even dress like a grown up now for work! (because of the super strict dress code!) I just feel like life is really starting for me, and I couldn't be happier! 

Years ago, I never would have thought that I could get the kind of life I have always dreamed about. Really. I have always had dreams of owning my own house and my own car, and vacationing in cool places. I never dared to allow myself to dream. It just seemed like there were too many obstacles in my life, and most of all, I never believed a girl like me deserved a good kind of life. Things have changed so much over the past few years. The way I see myself is different. My outlook on life has changed. And I can see myself reaching my goals very easily now. Its no longer a matter of "Can I?", but now it's a matter of "When am I...?" 

No matter how bad my life used to be, I wouldn't change it for the world. I lived through alot of heartbreak, and abuse, and generally, the tough life, but now that I am finally experiencing good things, it just makes me all the more grateful for the good and simple things in my life. Like driving. Like working. Like having opportunities to give people hope and encouragement. Grateful. Grateful. Grateful. That's what I am. I thank the Lord above EVERY SINGLE DAY for my life. I really do. 

I am looking forward to seeing where life is going to take me next. For now though, I'm gonna relax on my couch, and just enjoy this moment. I have a good life. AMEN!

I was homeless 3 years ago.

It's sometimes hard to believe that 3 years ago, I was suffering from alcoholism and extreme depression. I still remember it well. I am so grateful for the past 3 years. I have been given time to heal, and to get to know who I really am. I successfully completed a 2 year rehab program, and finished my high school upgrading. I joined the workforce for a short time and excelled in my position. I then went on to University studies. The first term I kicked ass in, and this last term, I was faced the reality of my own abilities. I found out the hard way that you should never follow dreams others may have for you. I know that I was trying to get my business diploma for all the wrong reasons, and it turned out that I failed.

I learned that failing is ok and that it's not the end of the world. It simply means that business is not what I was meant to do. It may have been an expensive mistake, but again, it's not the end of the world.

Now that school is almost over I have gone to back to work. For now I'm working at my old job, but as of August, I will be working a new, high paying job in an office environment. I will get to wear suits to work, and have full benefits. I really am so so happy that I am finally on the road I have dreamed about being on for most of my adult life.

I have come such a long ways, and I am so happy to see my life choices paying off for me finally. There was a time in my life when I believed I was worth nothing. I never used to dream for myself. I remember when even driving a car seemed like a far fetched dream. And look at me now.

I am happy, and hopeful for the future. I am going to start realizing what life is like being financially stable. I'm going to travel. I'm going to own my very own home with my very own money. I am going to be able to build up savings for me and my children's futures.

All in all, I strongly believe that my belief in my higher power has given me the strength to make changes in my life. I wanted to change for a really long time. I remember so badly wanting to have a normal life, back when I was dating a pretty normal guy. I just didn't fit into his normal world though, and it, of course, didn't work out. But I remember first getting a taste of the normal life, and it was then that the first seeds of hope for a future started to take root. I tried, on my own for a year after that, and got nowhere. I just couldn't stop myself from drinking and self destructing. It was like a more powerful force was in control of me.

The moment I cried out loud, to God, and asked HIM to take control of my life, that everything started changing. My outlook on life. My addictions. My ability to care for myself. EVERYTHING changed. It has been a wonderful 3 years. I am so happy right now, and super excited to see where God takes me next! Yay!

The Stress of .....life

Mid-terms sucked. I did pass math with a surprising 70%, but failed bitterly at accounting with only a 35%. I skipped school for 2 weeks after mid-terms, convinced that I was utter failure and hid in my appartment, watching daytime t.v, and stuffing my face.
Every night I went to bed, dissappointed and ashamed of myself. It was awful. Then last week I decided I couldn't handle myself anymore, and I went back to school. It kind of felt of good to get back, even though I had no idea what the teachers were teaching. But at least I am not giving up completely. 
So what if I am not going to be an accountant? So what if I can't do math? So what if I fail these courses. At least I had the nerve to try something new. 
I need a break from the books. I have started applying for office work. I am excited about finally making some money again. Student funding is not really enough to live on anymore, considering I have a new car and insurance payments. I just need a break, and need to get back to real life again.
On the bright side, I have been able to visit family and friends all over, since I got my car! I even went down to my dad's rez and meet my real family. A brother I didn't know about, and aunts and uncles. 
This last month of school is going to tough. I have no desire to even go, but when I say I am going to do something, I do it. 
So here I go, off to school. 
BLEH.

Dear Me,

Dear Me,


I know your starting to give in to doubt. I know that your not sure if you are doing the right thing in school. I know it's hard. I know that you are wishing that you never started. But don't. Don't give up. Keep on going! Yes, it's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. Even if you just make it to the end if this term, you can be proud to know that you did it! 


You need to remember that God is in control and He will never let you down. Even if you are going down the wrong path, He can turn it around for you. Good for you for at least going forward! There is a calling on your life. You are going to do some pretty cool things with your life. This is just the beginning. Don't quit and don't give up. I beg you not to give up and be all that God wants you to be. 


Don't give in to fear or doubt. Don't sell yourself short. 


You only have a month and a half left. You are already half ways through! You can do it. Spend more time in prayer. Ask for what you need. If you need strength, ask God for it! If you need dicipline, then yes, ask for that too. If you need more direction, THEN simply ask. 


Take more moments to look back on your life and marvel in how far you have come in such a short time. You know that your God is responsible for that, and you know that He is not going to suddenly disown you. He will be your God forever. No matter what. You are His beloved child, and you have absolutely nothing to fear. 


Keep going. You CAN do it.


Love you.


From Me

Death Trip

So, I headed out to Athabasca this past weekend. It's mostly highway driving so I was going around 110 most of the way there. About halfways there, my steering became wobbly. So not cool. I am a new driver and it scared the heck out of me! When I finally got there I phoned up my mechanic friend to tell him about the steering, and he told me it was unsafe to drive like that! 


I was already there, so then I got really scared about the drive back. That night I had a hard time falling asleep. I kept wondering if I was really going to die the next day. I found my camera, and took some pictures of me and my little daughter, just in case we DID die, and people would be able to see how much I adored her. I know I shouldn't have let my mind stay focused on such morbid thoughts, but I couldn't help myself.


I had nearly died 2or 3 times already during my life, when I was into a wilder lifestyle. One of those times I was stabbed. Those times were quite by surprise, and as I contemplated my life this time, I was a little surprised at how at peace I was with the thought. At least I know where I am going after I die, and that took the edge off. But I didn't want to die and leave a baby behind that might not remember how much I adored her. 


Same with my other kids. I would want to live for a little while longer, just so they know how much I adore them too. They are pre teen boys though, and the love of their mother isn't high on the list of priorities. 


I started to imagine my funeral. My little sister, of course, would give a tear-wrenching eulogy. She is such a talented writer, that I know she would have the whole funeral chapel in tears. I would expect that my closest friends would also want to get up there and tell people about the kind of person I am. I wonder if my funeral would be posted as an event on Facebook, so all my family and friends could attend? 


I do have life insurance so I know it would be a lovely funeral, and my kids would be taken care of. Baby would have to go live in Montreal and become a french girl. I hope my friends and family will let her know how much I adored her. 


My mind just kept going and going until finally I was tired of the wondering and waiting. I decided that whatever was going to happen would happen, and that God had everything under control. 


Then I went to sleep.

The Voice of God

Mid terms again. Oh boy. I am still struggling in Financial Math BUT I stayed up till midnight last night working on my assignments. Your allowed to do them over 3 times and the teacher will give you credit for the highest mark. So there I sat, calculating and sweating, only to find out that everytime I did the assignment I got exactly the same mark. Oh well. At least I tried, and at least I passed. 

I did have a "EUREKA!" moment though. At midnight, as I sat in front of my text book and bawled, a thought suddenly entered my head. I tried. I tried really really hard. Now that I am living my life FOR God, my whole way of thinking has changed. I am going to school to be able get the skills I need to one day run a place that will help people get out of life situations that are not good. Homelessnesss, addiction, abuse. If God is the one who has placed this dream into my soul, the He will help me get there. I realized at midnight last night, that God is in control of my life. Because I have given Him permission to lead me in everything I do. My God has not failed me once yet. That same voice that I heard last night telling me it's ok because  at least tried, is the same voice that told me to leave my old world behind 3 years ago. That voice has directed my life since then. It whispered to my soul that I should go to rehab. It encouraged me to go to school. It directed me to be wise with my money, and even opened doors for me to recieve grants and bursaries and scholorships, that I have been getting ever since I started my educational journey. 

That same gentle loving voice was there when I had my baby. When I was going through labour in the hospital room alone, I knew I was NOT alone, because I could hear that voice telling me to breath, and to push. That voice was the same one that told me to go call my Nanny and Papa that day I was sitting in the alley, with nowhere to sleep. That little voice has been with me through thick and thin these past few years and has never let me down. 

That voice encourages me throughout the day, in whatever I am doing. And that voice sometimes brings certain people to my mind so I can pray for them. It's amazing just how much God will come and be a part of your life, if you give Him permission to do so. In my case, I have given my heart, and my mind, and my life, and if you know me and follow my posts, you can see for yourself, that my life does nothing but improve for the better. 

Anyways, enough chat for now. The voice is telling me I need to work on some school work! 

Good things Are Worth the Wait.

It still seems so surreal, being able to drive. I went and picked up my sons this weekend, for the first time, in my car. They, of course, being the little smart alec's they are, made fun of my poor beater, but as we started driving, they started complimenting me. "Wow, she's not as bad as I thought she'd be." said my one son. "Actually, she's pretty good." my other son replied. I felt a warm surge of pride in my heart, as my boys discussed my driving from the back seat. 


We had a great weekend together, and I took them shopping and on sunday, to church. I drove them to go out for lunch, and then finally, I drove them home. Their dad came out to check out my new whells, and of course, did the guy thing, and looked under the hood. He instructed me on oil and brake fluid and sent me off to walmart to pick up supplies for the car, and then filled everything up for me. He even tried to fix my poor glove compartment, which hangs down, wide open, all the time. He stuck it back with duct tape, and offered to help me anytime I need maintenance with my beater. It was a great day.


Now that I have been driving for a few days, I'm starting to feel a little more comfortable. The car is a good car, except a few minor problems. The seat bealts don't work, and the seat doesn't adjust. Plus it's just all rickety in side. My real mechanic has offered to do a trade in for my car and give me one that's good to go. It's not as pretty as my current car, but it's all fixed up. So in 2 weeks I'll say goodbye to intrepid, and hello to a new Taurus. The taurus should last me a few years, and in the meanwhile I can save my money for any kind of car I really want. 


This whole driving experience has really brought my life to a new level. I can't really explain how much more responsible and grown -up I feel. Up until now, it's like I've skipped a rite of passage that most young people do in their late teens and early 20's. Getting their own car. Now, at 33 years I am have finally reached that rite of passage and I feel so blessed and happy, and excited. 


Good things are worth waiting for. 


Next on the list : A Husband.

And then He smiled at me...

This morning, at school, I was so incredibly nervous and stressed out. I am behind in all my classes (yet again) and had my driving test this afternoon. Although I did take driving lessons I was still so nervous because ever since my last lesson, almost 3 weeks ago, I havn't even touched a car. So anyhoo...


I went in for my test today, and had to drive my instructors car, because mine isn't insured yet. It was an older, Mercedes Benz, and the gears and parking brakes and controls were vastly different from the car that I did my drivers training in. I was sweating bullets. Thank goodness that my instructor was easy going and made some nice small talk before we started the test, so I wasn't AS nervous when the test began. I pulled out and got a feeling for the car. The Benz has a really soft gas pedal so I had to find that sweet spot where your gassing and braking in a fluid like style. At first it was hard to find, and I lurched out onto the main road like a newbie, but quickly recovered at the next turn, and redeemed myself by making a totally smooth, right hand turn. Only 3 minutes into the test I was asked to do a parallel park, and my days of driving with my instructor came back to me like a warm flood. Step by step, I correctly and expertly eased his car perfectly behind a Gray minivan, and parked. My instructor praised me with a hearty, "Well Done!" and I tried not to let the compliment get to my head.


The rest of the driving test went really good and I was only warned once when I accidentally put on my right signal to pull out of a park, instead of my left. Oooopsie.


As we pulled back into the parking lot, my heart was racing. I parked his car, and watched him making marks on a clipboard. He finally looked over at me with a smile and simply said, "Yes."


"What?! Yes? You mean I passed?" I asked him excitedly.


"Yes. You passed!" he replied.


I lifted up my fists and shook them in the air in a victory arm shake, and whooped! "YES! $700 worth of driving lessons has paid off! YES!" And my instructor just laughed and then showed me my mistakes.


After I recieved my lisence, I started making my way towards the bus stop, and as I was walking, on this gray and rainy day, I remembered to thank my God for helping me reach this goal. I had spent the whole morning praying and asking Him to help me remember the rules of the road, and to guide me in my decisions, and I was amazed and happy that He came through for me. As I was walking I couldn't take the smile off of my face, and I looked up into the sky, where I always imagine God to be, and I whispered, "Thank you God. Thank you for helping do this." As I kept walking I could almost feel His presence with me, and I got a thought in the back of my mind.


I remembered the days when I first really started to believe in God, and would ask for things like rain for a farmer's field, or that I would catch a fish. Juvenile things I would ask for, just to see if God would answer. And the funny thing is, He would! I don't know why, but as you start growing in your Christian walk, asking for redicilous things doesn't occur to you anymore. For some reason you start thinking it's too childish to ask God to do silly things, just for you. But today, I caught myself wishing for God to make the sunshine peek out of from under all the gray clouds, just to let ME know that He's smiling at me. As soon as the childish thought entered my conscience, I quickly tried to push it out of my head, but right at that moment, guess what? The sun suddenly appeared, for a few brief moments, and shone down on me, like I was the only person here on earth. I immediately started crying tears of joy, as I knew in my own heart that THAT WAS GOD< smiling down on me PERSONALLY. I knew it was God. I knew He had me in His sights today. I know my God is real and alive.


I thank Him for moments like this when He makes you feel like you are the only person in the world and that He loves YOU. Amen and Praise the Lord.


What a fantastic day.